Tag: Practical suggestions

Posted on

Back to school separation anxiety

School is starting! What an exciting and stressful time. You’re probably rushing around purchasing school supplies and wondering how your child will separate at the door. Or maybe school has already started and your child is in the throws of separation anxiety, completely freaking out when you leave. Be assured, the transition can and will go smoothly, it’s just a matter of time and technique.

Transitions are almost always challenging for young people and that goes for both large and small transitions. Moving from bath time to bed can produce a lot of upset, so it makes sense that starting back to school (or starting school for the first time) would also cause some emotional ripples.

First, know that you are not alone. When I taught preschool there were always a few children in every class who had a difficult time separating at the beginning of the year. But after several weeks, everyone was transitioning joyfully.

Now, I’ll give you the same information and advice I gave the parents in the classroom that helped to resolve the upset quickly and fairly easily.

The most important thing about a morning school separation is that it is QUICK and that the parent is calm, comfortable, and relaxed. The more you can leave your own feelings of sadness, upset, and anxiety at home, the better your child will do.

I don’t mean to imply that you won’t HAVE upsetting feelings, just that you’ll do your best to experience and work through those feelings AWAY from the door of your child’s classroom. So, when you’re at the door, you’re projecting calm confidence, trust, and warmth. This is HUGE.

Why quick? The more time you spend helping your child get his things into his locker, making sure he has his lunch, asking the teacher about the schedule for the day, and giving him multiple hugs and kisses, the more time he has to recognize that you are uncomfortable (or that he is). Also, when your child sees you in and around his classroom, he begins to wonder why you can’t just spend your day at school with him. After all, you are one of his favorite people in the whole world, so why wouldn’t he want you to stick around?

What your child may fail to realize is that school is an opportunity for her to branch out socially and become more independent. It’s a growth opportunity and having a parent present could actually undermine her motivation to reach out to new friends.

But, when new friends and teachers are the only choice available, you’d be surprised how quickly children can acclimate and enjoy the new environment. Often, the kids who have the greatest separation anxiety are the same children who bond to the teachers and other kids quickly. The classroom becomes a new base of operations and they easily rely on their new community for the help and support they need. This is a very important skill.

Do you remember a time from your own childhood when you felt unsure, afraid, and you wanted to cling to someone or something familiar? Giving your child a keepsake, a slap bracelet, a hand stamp, or some other reminder of you can be a great way for your child to remain connected to you, even as she stretches her wings socially. But don’t go too crazy, leaving elaborate notes in her lunch every day. Take your cue from your child, what does she ask for and need?

Acknowledging your child’s feelings can help too, but again, be brief. Something like, “Honey, I know you’re feeling worried and that’s OK. I think some other kids are feeling the same way. If you need help, you can ask your teacher. I bet you’ll have a great day. I love you and I’ll see you at 3:00,” should be sufficient. And you can always talk more after school.

Next, if your child is having a difficult time separating, talk to his teacher and ask about their policy on separation anxiety. Some schools will call you if your child is inconsolable for longer than half an hour or so. Or it may be OK for you to call to check in. I always loved giving worried parents the news that their child was happily playing and working just minutes after they had left the room.

You’ve chosen to put your child in preschool, private, or public school for a host of reasons, so take a moment to ground yourself and feel into those reasons. You know what is best for your child, now it’s time to trust, let go, and enjoy the ride.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

Posted on

Is Big picking on Little?

Siblings. They can play well together, enjoy one another, and be super sweet to each other, and then in an instant the tables can turn. Suddenly you’re rushing to the aid of one child, admonishing the other, and feeling frazzled and confused about what really happened.

A LOT can happen in an instant, and it’s unrealistic to think that you can be there in every moment. So, what can you do to foster a healthy sibling relationship and what is the appropriate response when things go haywire?

If your kids are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship the very first thing to do is to consider the big picture. What is the overall feeling between them? Does your younger child feel afraid of your older child? Does your older child seem to feel jealous of attention the younger child receives?

Once you’ve identified the overall tenor of the relationship, from your perspective, consider talking to your kids about their friendship. Ask them how THEY feel their sibling treats them. Really take their feedback into your overall image of what’s really going on.

Next, consider the past week or two. Can you identify the specific triggers to the behavior you don’t want? For instance, have you noticed that every time you’re reading a story to your younger child, your older child runs up and hits him? Or does your younger child tend to invade your older child’s space resulting in a conflict?

As you think about the conflicts of the past week or month, be sure to consider all sides. Avoid the temptation to blame all conflicts on the older child, just because she’s older. Sometimes, the behavior of a younger child can be the triggering event too. And, any time you find yourself thinking that one child is the culprit and the other is a completely innocent bystander, stop yourself.

Most often there’s a dynamic between the two (or three) that needs to shift and if your beloved child feels that you’re taking sides against her, she may feel hurt and betrayed. Instead, try to empathize with both parties.

Now that you’ve identified some specific triggers to behavior that doesn’t work for you, you’re well on your way to fostering a kind and caring relationship between siblings.

So, if you’re clear about what the triggers are you have a few choices.

You can: 1) Prevent and avoid the trigger altogether by

a) identifying and addressing the unmet needs of the aggressor or

b) letting go of unrealistic expectations and creating a more doable scenario

2) Offer an alternative to the negative behavior that is even more fun

3) Be a safe haven for a frustrated or fearful child

Here’s an example. Let’s say Ben is hitting his little sister Sally, whenever she comes near his action figures. You can prevent the conflict by realizing that when Ben plays with his action figures he’s needing space and safety, he wants to know that his sister isn’t going to mess up his game, so you can invite him to play in his room with the door closed, or give him a rug to indicate his play space and then help his sister respect his space.

If Sally isn’t able to respect his space when he’s in the shared living space, then putting a closed door between them is a great way to help her. Or, you could invite Ben to play at the kitchen table where Sally can’t reach his toys. Alternatively, you can invite both kids to dance and sing with you in the living room instead of playing with action figures, or maybe they’d like to play a dress up game and put on a play for you.

And lastly, if Ben knows that he can come to you when Sally interrupts his game, and you’ll actually help him figure out a way to continue his independent play, he’s more likely to call out to you or come and get you, rather than hitting Sally. One the other hand, if he knows he’ll get the half baked response, “Why don’t you just let your sister play?” then he feels he’s on his own and has to do whatever it takes to protect his game.

I’d better wrap this up for today, but I would love to hear about what’s happening for you and what works or doesn’t work at your house!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

Posted on

Nursing, co-sleeping, and having great sex

I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online lately about nursing and co-sleeping becoming a wedge between parents and negatively affecting their sex lives.  Sure, sleeping with a baby causes us to change the timing and sometimes the location of sex, but my husband and I have found a great way to keep romance alive while I’m nursing and co-sleeping with our daughter.  We like to call it “date nap”.

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is.  Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening.  Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage.  We absolutely love spending time just the two of us.  So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap.  Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids.   That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am.  So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter.  If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations.  It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids?  If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values?  I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids.  Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible.  Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

Posted on

Make your life easier, give kids their own drawer

When our daughter started to crawl we did what most parents do, we dashed around the house “baby proofing” everything in sight.  We moved dangerous things up or to cabinets that could be locked or secured.  I installed latches on cabinets containing cleaning products.  But as I looked around our home and imagined putting latches on every cabinet and drawer in the house, I got overwhelmed.

And then it hit me; maybe I didn’t actually have to install all those latches!  Of course, I realize that I might need to add a few as my daughter grows and gets into things more, but I came up with a solution that is working well and has caused the least work for everyone.  I gave my daughter her very own drawer.

As soon as she opened the bottom drawer in the kitchen for the very first time, I grabbed a bag, threw its original contents inside, and then tossed a few of her toys in the drawer.  I included some kitchen items like a metal spoon, a set of measuring spoons, and a plastic cup.  And voila!  She took to it like a bee to honey.

Now, whenever I’m cooking or we’re hanging out in the kitchen, she crawls right over, opens up her drawer and plays with her “kitchen toys.” She hardly even seems to notice that there are other cabinets and drawers nearby!

Office shelf

But I didn’t stop there, I gave her a drawer in the master bathroom and she occupies herself masterfully while my husband and I take our morning showers.

We have also designated the bottom two shelves of the living room bookcase to the little one, and in true Montessori form, I leave new and exciting toys on those shelves to encourage her exploration. She even has two shelves in my office that will have her “work” on them for years to come.

Sure, we also have a basket of toys in the kitchen, living room, and her bedroom too.  But she seems to enjoy her drawers even more, and I don’t have to look at the stuff inside when she’s finished, I just close the drawer!  Of course, the next step will be to teach her to close the drawers herself.  And after that, we’ll begin putting toys into the drawer and closing it when we’re about to leave the room.

Living room shelf

If you have an older child who doesn’t yet have any designated kid’s activity areas in the common rooms, I highly recommend you clear some space for your younger family members.  Then, stock their shelves and drawers with interesting activities that you’ll rotate when they lose their appeal.  And if you also provide a rug and/or a child sized desk or table that they can work at, you’ll be helping your child set up great work habits and helping yourself get some peace and quiet.  Because, when kids know where to look for an activity that they can explore on their own, they’ll go back to it again and again, and you’ll actually get some adult work done!

I would love to hear about your own solutions to support your child’s freedom and independence at home.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

Posted on

Building trust by telling the truth

As I listen to my daughter playing in her baby pool for the first time, with her Grammy watching over her, I feel so grateful for every experience we get have together.  And I can finally understand some parents’ almost pathological need to protect their children.

There are all sorts of dangers both seen and unseen in our world today and it can be overwhelming when we focus on what could go wrong.  A simple pool of water can become scary.  But sometimes we take the job of protecting our children too far.  By being honest with our kids, they may experience some pain, but they’re sure to fare better in life than they would otherwise.

When I talk with parents about being more honest with their children I hear all sorts of objections.  “Are you sure it’s appropriate to tell my child that?!” and “I don’t want to burden him with my feelings.”  But I think it’s a very slippery slope to withhold information from our children in order to “protect” them.  It actually seems to do just the opposite.  It hurts our kids when we don’t tell them the truth and they end up learning that they can’t count on us.

As a child, one of the things I admired most about my mom was how brutally, really, honest with me she was.  Granted, she didn’t offer a bunch of unsolicited information, but when I asked her a frank question, I knew I could count on her to answer honestly.

When I was five or six I asked my mom what the worst word in the world was.  And, after asking me to promise never to use it, she leaned down and whispered the “f word” into my ear.  I was shocked and in awe of my moms commitment to honesty.  And until I was a teenager, I never used it.  I was just curious, and I wanted to be prepared in case someone else used “bad words” in my presence.  Obviously it was a pivotal moment for me, considering I still remember it so vividly.

My mom was also very honest about sex, even when I was very young.  By the time I was 4 years old, I knew exactly where babies came from and I knew the scientific names of both male and female body parts.  As a teenager, talking to my mom about sex was easy because we’d already been talking about it for 10 years!  We had built a foundation of truth and trust that I knew I could rely on.

I’m so grateful for that foundation now, because as I got to know other girls and young women in my teens and twenties, I realized that my mom’s honesty was really quite rare.  Most of my friends’ moms had never talked with them about contraception or their monthly moon time, and as a result many of my friends were confused about the facts, unprepared to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy, and several of them ended up with unwanted pregnancies.

I want my daughter to be informed and well prepared for life on her own.  So I think I’ll take my mom’s approach and be truthful with my child about her body, sex, and even my own feelings.  I want her to have that same foundation of trust and a deeply ingrained knowledge that no matter what, she can count on me to be honest with her.

I can only hope that by talking with her about challenging topics now, when she’s young, it will make it that much easier for us to talk about the tough stuff when she’s a teenager and young adult.

I’m curious, what’s your experience with being brutally honest with your children.  Have you seen benefits from being committed to the truth?  Have you experienced the pain of disconnection when you weren’t honest?  Please leave me a comment and share your story below.

Have a fantastic and vulnerably revealing week, Shelly

Proudly powered by WordPress