Safety – Page 2 – Awake Parent

June 6, 2012June 6, 2012

“Back Off!” Empowering Young People to Claim Their Personal Space

Most of the stuff I write about is focused on peace, love, and compassion, but there’s a point where the best defense really is a good offense. Several weeks ago my daughter was at the library and a bigger kid ran over to her and pushed her down. His mother apologized profusely, Julia was dazed and confused, and I was left wondering, “How could I have prevented this?”

My daughter is often quiet and reserved, especially when she’s in a large group or if she’s feeling overwhelmed. And the library is usually teeming with both kids and adults when we go there for story time. So I thought about how I could empower her to stand up for herself in the face of a larger child intent on pushing, hitting, or biting her.

And then I remembered what we do when our dogs get into her face and she doesn’t like it. We say, “Back off Zoe!” or “Back off Jasper!” We had recently expanded to include our four chickens in this practice because Julia was getting scared of their pecking. So I taught her to move forward, put her hand out, and say “Back off chickens!” And it works! The animals really respond to her.

So I decided we would use this same phrasing with people who are moving toward us aggressively. When we feel afraid, we put out our hand and say “Back off!” Sure enough, after a couple of weeks of practice with the animals, my daughter was at the library with her Grammy when a larger child came toward her quickly with a puppet aimed at her face. Julia immediately put her hand out and forcefully said “Back off!” to the boy with the puppet. My mother-in-law said that all the adults were left with their mouths hanging open and the boy was just as surprised as everyone else was. He did back off and went to play elsewhere.

When I heard the story my heart swelled and I felt so proud. I am so happy to know that my daughter can protect herself from harm even though she’s not yet two years old. Although I hope she rarely has to use this skill, I think it’s an essential one for all children. To be empowered to protect oneself from harm could mean the difference between being bullied or victimized and not. Learning to powerfully say things like “Stop! No! Stay back! Don’t touch my body!” can alert others to a potential threat and often will cause predators to move on, rather than be noticed.

So how do you talk to your kids about personal space and protecting themselves from danger? Do they know what to say and do when they feel afraid? I would love to hear your story so please leave a comment below.
And have a wonderful day. Warm hugs, Shelly

April 4, 2012

My Frozen Baby Fantasy

I’ve worked for YEARS to grow as a person, to understand myself, my emotions, and my reactions to the things that happen to me. I know how to understand and express my emotions responsibly, resolve conflicts, and use positive redirection to help my child thrive. But that doesn’t make me perfect and it certainly doesn’t stop all the crazy thoughts my mind decides to think.

I think every parent fantasizes about harming his or her child at one point or another. If you say you haven’t, I don’t believe you for a minute. Maybe it’s just a fleeing thought of pinching them, or a long consideration about spanking them, “for their own good.” Perhaps it’s a thought about smothering their cries or a morbid image of tossing them out of a moving car. Of course we would never DO these things. But that doesn’t mean we don’t think about it.

When my daughter was just a few months old and I was deep in the thick of sleep deprivation I was trying to rock her to sleep one night and she was screaming her sweet little head off. She was dry and fed and swaddled comfortably but she was over tired and she couldn’t settle herself down. I was exhausted and drained and didn’t have another ounce of love to give, or so I thought.

I began to sing rock-a-bye baby. As I was singing I suddenly understood the appeal of the dark sentiment of the song. Imagining my screaming baby falling out of a tree was a way for me to focus the frustration forming in my mind without lashing out at the helpless little being I was holding.

So I took it one step further. I began to sing my own words, expressing a little bit of my angst by singing about how and why she should stop crying and go the f to sleep. And then it happened. I imagined getting up, walking out of the room, taking my little baby out the front door of our house, putting her into the snow and leaving her there. I thought about how long it would take for her cries to cease and I relished the imaginary peace of a frozen sleeping baby that would never awake and cry again.

And then I thought, “WHOA! I just imagined killing my baby. And I liked it. And now I’m sort of horrified. But I also understand that it was just the fantasy of a sleep-deprived mind.”

Before that moment there was no way I could understand how anyone could harm a baby. And I still can’t really. I would never harm my child. But I do understand the urge to shut her up one way or another, especially when I’m drained and sleep deprived myself.

It’s scary to write this and put it on the Internet for all to see. It feels like an incredibly vulnerable thing to admit. I’m worried that someone will take my words and twist them and try to take my baby away. But I also feel brave and I trust that most of you will understand. And I think there might be someone out there who was thinking that there are “perfect” parents who exist who never have hurtful thoughts or feelings toward their children. And I want that struggling single mom or that angry dad to know they’re not alone and NOBODY is a perfect parent. Even the best parents have dark thoughts and feelings sometimes.

I guess I wrote all this down just to remind you that we’re all human and we’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Sometimes we do things exactly the way we wanted to. Other times, the best we can do is to rock our sweet babies to sleep while imagining their demise.

Have you ever had the kinds of dark thoughts I’ve described here? I would love to know that I’m not the only one! Please share your story with us in the comments below.

And, if you have these kinds of dark thoughts frequently, please seek professional help. Postpartum depression can be a serious condition that can worsen over time without support. Asking for help is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your child if these kinds of hurtful or scary thoughts keep popping up and you’re not sure what to do about them. Just remember, you are not alone and it’s OK to ask for help. If you need immediate help, call 1-800-SUICIDE any time of day or night.

And have a good week. Love, Shelly

July 6, 2011July 6, 2011

Make your life easier, give kids their own drawer

When our daughter started to crawl we did what most parents do, we dashed around the house “baby proofing” everything in sight. We moved dangerous things up or to cabinets that could be locked or secured. I installed latches on cabinets containing cleaning products. But as I looked around our home and imagined putting latches on every cabinet and drawer in the house, I got overwhelmed.

And then it hit me; maybe I didn’t actually have to install all those latches! Of course, I realize that I might need to add a few as my daughter grows and gets into things more, but I came up with a solution that is working well and has caused the least work for everyone. I gave my daughter her very own drawer.

As soon as she opened the bottom drawer in the kitchen for the very first time, I grabbed a bag, threw its original contents inside, and then tossed a few of her toys in the drawer. I included some kitchen items like a metal spoon, a set of measuring spoons, and a plastic cup. And voila! She took to it like a bee to honey.

Now, whenever I’m cooking or we’re hanging out in the kitchen, she crawls right over, opens up her drawer and plays with her “kitchen toys.” She hardly even seems to notice that there are other cabinets and drawers nearby!

But I didn’t stop there, I gave her a drawer in the master bathroom and she occupies herself masterfully while my husband and I take our morning showers.

We have also designated the bottom two shelves of the living room bookcase to the little one, and in true Montessori form, I leave new and exciting toys on those shelves to encourage her exploration. She even has two shelves in my office that will have her “work” on them for years to come.

Sure, we also have a basket of toys in the kitchen, living room, and her bedroom too. But she seems to enjoy her drawers even more, and I don’t have to look at the stuff inside when she’s finished, I just close the drawer! Of course, the next step will be to teach her to close the drawers herself. And after that, we’ll begin putting toys into the drawer and closing it when we’re about to leave the room.

If you have an older child who doesn’t yet have any designated kid’s activity areas in the common rooms, I highly recommend you clear some space for your younger family members. Then, stock their shelves and drawers with interesting activities that you’ll rotate when they lose their appeal. And if you also provide a rug and/or a child sized desk or table that they can work at, you’ll be helping your child set up great work habits and helping yourself get some peace and quiet. Because, when kids know where to look for an activity that they can explore on their own, they’ll go back to it again and again, and you’ll actually get some adult work done!

I would love to hear about your own solutions to support your child’s freedom and independence at home. Please leave me a comment!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

March 12, 2009March 2, 2012

How can I keep my independent two-year-old safe?

My friend Mindy had a recent challenge with her two-year-old son. She wrote:

Shelly, We have a big challenge. I like to leave our doors open to the backyard, so Thomas and the animals (we have two dogs and a cat) can go in and out as they wish.

Today Thomas crawled under the automatic gate into the front yard!

Then he came around to the front door and played a game out of it. But I’m terrified he is going to go near the street or in it, or someone is going to snatch him. I really can’t watch him well enough now that I have Tabitha (3 mo.) to ensure he won’t do it again, and there is no way to alter the gate to prevent his tiny little body from going under it. What do I do?
Continue reading “How can I keep my independent two-year-old safe?”