Self-care – Page 4 – Awake Parent

June 16, 2010October 24, 2012

The Importance of Time Away From Your Kids

I know I’m usually sharing all sorts of ideas for activities with kids or ways to handle conflict lovingly, but today I want to talk about the importance of taking time AWAY from your kids.

We all need alone time but I hear from a lot of parents that they feel guilty when they take time away from their kids. Let me allay your fears. Yes, you are your child’s biggest influence and the people they most need to connect with, AND it’s absolutely healthy and good for them to develop relationships with other adults.

If you have a nanny, babysitter, aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves your children, please give them the opportunity to have a closer relationship with your kids by going away for the weekend, having a date night, or going to a yoga class. It’s good for you and it’s also really good for your kids.

When young people have the opportunity to develop strong bonds with people other than their parents, they become more well rounded, better able to adapt, and they’re exposed to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things. This all provides variety and learning that you can’t give to your kids otherwise.

A study recently came out showing that children who had two parents who participated in their upbringing, specifically, kids who had a relationship with their fathers as well as with their mothers had higher IQ’s than kids who only had a mother in their lives. In fact, researchers could tell who had had a father’s influence during childhood when they looked at the IQ scores of people in their 20’s!

What can we infer from this study? Well, I for one, think that if two parents are better than one parent, then even more caring adult influences are likely to benefit your child too.

Maybe I’m biased, because after my parents divorced and remarried, I ended up with four loving parents who cared for me, connected with me, and shared their world-views with me. I even spent a couple of school years going over to my grandparents’ house after school, so I had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with my grandma and grandpa.

As a kid, I loved getting new perspectives and ideas from the adults in my life and I often tried to emulate the best qualities I could find in each of them. As a result, I think I turned out to be a pretty great, well adjusted, and compassionate person. I also got the idea that I was a pretty lovable and likable person, because I had a bunch of wonderfully supportive adults who enjoyed my company.

OK, now that I’ve convinced you that it benefits your child to spend time away from you, what about the benefits to you?! When you get time away you’re able to look at things from a new perspective. You might get some new insights into a recurring dynamic at home, or you might just relax and enjoy yourself, allowing yourself to let go and stop being responsible for another human being for a moment. Ahhhh, that feels pretty good.

The other thing that happens when you take time and space from your kids, whether it’s a weekend away or a few hours every afternoon, is you actually miss them! And that’s a VERY good thing for you and for your kids. When you get the space you need and you find yourself longing for reconnection with your kids, I guarantee the quality of your interactions when you reconnect will be much better.

On the other hand, if you’d rather force yourself to spend all of your free time with your kids, feel guilty for even wanting some space, and then build castles of anger and resentment, I guess that’s a valid choice. It just seems like a lot less fun for everyone.

So, this week’s challenge is to foster your child’s relationship with another adult by taking time for yourself. Try really pampering yourself and see how much you can enjoy it. Really let go of any residual guilt you may have felt in the past and relish your alone time this week.

Have a wonderful week. Warm hugs, Shelly

June 9, 2010

Creating the culture of your home

kids_small It seems like just about the time we feel we’ve given all we can and we need some “me time” kids suddenly need even more from us. We can become frustrated and resentful and begin to give out of obligation or guilt, rather than giving from true generosity. If that’s what’s happening for you, my invitation for this week is to take a break, stop giving for a moment, and reset.

See, the adults in the household are the ones who create the culture of the home, and if you’re spewing out frustration, resentment, and irritation, then pretty soon, you’ll start to see those same sentiments emanating from your kids.

On the other hand, if you can take a step back for a moment and really consider what kind of culture you WANT to have in your home, you can absolutely create that for yourself and your family. With a little bit of foresight a strong commitment to consistency, you can have the kind of cooperation, kindness, care and generosity you most want to permeate your family.

But here’s the trick, YOU have to model for your kids exactly who and how you want them to be. Here are some steps to get you headed in the right direction:

Step 1- Take care of your self. Are there ways in which you’ve been neglecting yourself? Are you getting enough rest, nourishment, exercise, and alone time? If not, brainstorm with a friend or partner about what you can do differently so that you can take better care of yourself. When you’re well rested, nourished, and feeling great, you’re much more likely to be the example you want to be for your kids. Continue reading “Creating the culture of your home”

May 26, 2010September 27, 2017

Setting boundaries with kids

boy In my parenting coaching I get a lot of questions from parents about how to discipline effectively and what to do instead of time-outs, spanking, yelling and other common discipline tactics.

When I think about the word “discipline” I think it sets up a disconnecting power dynamic where I’m in charge all of the time and the kids in my life must do what I say, or “behave”, and submit to my dominance.

On the other hand, without any “discipline” I imagine complete chaos and no sense of leadership. So, instead of discipline, I like to talk about setting boundaries.

We all need boundaries whether with ourselves, our parents, children, employers or employees. It’s healthy to have and keep clear boundaries, but somehow, many of us have never learned to recognize, implement, and maintain healthy boundaries.

I just read the novel “The Undomestic Goddess” by Sophie Kinsella. It was a fun read but what struck me the most about it was how few boundaries the main character had at the beginning of the book. Samantha was a high-powered lawyer at a leading Houston lawyer firm. She was going for partner and as a result, she was available to her law firm 24/7. No kidding. The woman couldn’t even put her blackberry down for an hour to get a massage! She was the epitome of someone without any healthy boundaries and without a life of her own. Instead, she was completely owned by her law firm!

Do you ever feel owned by your kids and family? Have you forgotten to set boundaries and maintain a healthy sense of self? Well this week it’s time to turn it around. Continue reading “Setting boundaries with kids”

April 28, 2010

Nighttime Rituals

73032723 When I was about three years old I developed a fear of the dark. I can remember being terrified in complete darkness and feeling so comforted by a nightlight or a hall light left on with my bedroom door left open. I don’t remember what precipitated the fear, but I do remember it was real and I really appreciated it when my parents responded compassionately.

Every time they left a nightlight on for me or left the door cracked with the hall light on, I felt loved, cared for, and reassured. Somehow because my fears were addressed attentively, I knew that I was important to my parents and an integral part of my family. We created a bedtime routine that was a safe haven from my fears and helped me look forward to sleeping, rather than being fearful or cranky about it.

I can’t imagine how devastated I would have been if my parents had ignored my fear or somehow invalidated it with phrases like, “Oh, you’re fine, don’t worry about it.” Instead, we created these little nighttime rituals that put me at ease and helped me relax to sleep easily.

I think nighttime rituals are a very important way to establish comfort, predictability, and consistency for children. And when young people have the consistency they need in order to relax themselves to sleep, they fall sleep faster, sleep better and longer and enjoy bedtime much more.

Do you currently have a nighttime ritual that works well? Is it time for an upgrade? Continue reading “Nighttime Rituals”

April 14, 2010April 14, 2010

Trusting Kids

kid-rock-climbing It’s easy to become overprotective of kids, especially our own. It’s as if we can suddenly see 10 steps ahead and we KNOW that something horrible is about to happen. But what if our children don’t actually need our warnings, fears, and concerns in order to keep themselves safe?

When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl. They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath. Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.

Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop. They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall. Amazing, right?! Continue reading “Trusting Kids”