Tag: Self-care

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Conscious Despair

A lot of these tips sound great in theory, right? And anything is possible when we’ve got our wits about us. But what about those times when we’re really just about to fall into despair? (Or have already fallen?)

I confess: I’ve called Shelly and said, “Help! I feel like a hypocrite–here I am writing and teaching about parenting stuff and I’m about to lose it myself!”

Granted, I may feel more challenged with some of my child’s ways than other parents do with their children. But I think many of us at least once in a while find ourselves at–or over–the brink of despair when we most need energy to cope.

I’m learning that “losing it” can be an important part of the process. Certainly, if it’s happening, it’s part of the process no matter what. I’ve talked recently about How to be in charge and still stay connected, as well as Imagining ahead of time how things will go.

Now I want to say a few words about what to do with some of our own more unsettling emotions, like despair.

The other night I was doing my usual juggling act of trying to clean the kitchen, feed my son, and not forget to feed myself (he eats so few things our dinners are almost always separate).  It had been a hard day, and I was trudging along, doing what needed to be done.

As occasionally happens, he complained loudly about the food. That did it. I just didn’t have anything else in me to respond. So, I did what I’ve watched others do, but never had the nerve to do myself: I went limp. I said, “I can’t deal with this.” And I went into my room, closed the door and lay down.

Wow–what a moment. For once, I didn’t “make it okay.” It made me realize how much energy I spend all the time trying to “make it okay,” and here I was feeling not at all okay. And my son knew it.

Continue reading “Conscious Despair”

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Listen to your body

I’ve been wanting to be a mom for as long as I can remember. And I’ve prepared in all sorts of ways for my future children. After I graduated from college I realized that I wasn’t very patient, so I went to work at a preschool (yeah, I love a challenge). I knew that 3 year olds were difficult for me to be with, so I headed straight for the 3-4yo classroom to practice patience and learn how little people learn best. More recently I was a nanny for several amazing boys, practicing newborn care, learning to handle sibling rivalry, and generally practicing for motherhood.

But now that the time for motherhood is getting closer, I’m getting a whole new education. I’m learning about my body. I had no idea how much I didn’t know about my own body, its cycles, its hormones, its fluids. I’m realizing now that my body is constantly speaking to me about all sorts of things all the time.

I’ve started reading “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler and this book is like the bible of the female body. Did you know that just by charting your waking basal body temperature you can know almost immediately if you’re pregnant? I mean, WELL before you miss a period. You can also know when you’ve ovulated, when you’re experiencing menopause, and how long your actual cycle is (instead of assuming it’s the average 28 days).

All this knowledge can really inform and educate us, and I can’t believe that it took me so long to discover it! It leaves me wondering, what else have I been missing out on? I’ve been so focused on child development, conscious parenting, and personal growth, that I’ve forgotten about my own body!

Sound familiar? Are you so wrapped up in the lives of your kids, your husband, and your best friend that you’ve forgotten something as simple as connecting with yourself and your own body? Well, I’m here to remind you to take a moment and check in. Maybe that looks like recording your basal body temperature and the position of your cervix, or maybe it’s just getting back to that yoga class. It could be as simple as taking the time to prepare yourself a healthy and delicious snack, instead of eating the leftover cookies in the bottom of the diaper bag.

I’m better about tuning in to my body than I used to be. When I was a preschool teacher I was constantly fighting off a cold or flu of some kind. I felt pressured to go to work even when I wasn’t feeling well because the administrators always had a hard time finding a sub. So, I would push myself and push myself until I collapsed. I was usually out for several days at that point.

Now that I’m self-employed, I’ve learned to listen to my body more. When I feel my immune system kicking in trying to fight something off, I take a break, I rest and pretty soon I feel better. I haven’t had a full-blown cold or flu in several years now. And I owe it all to listening to my body.

The same goes for injuries. I used to injure my shoulder or back or neck at least once a month because I thought I could lift more than I could safely, or I thought I “should” be able to carry the groceries all in one load. I was in too much of a hurry to listen. But then I’d pay the price. I’d be laid up for days, unable to use my arm or popping pain pills. Now I check in with my body every time I’m about to lift something heavy. “Is this OK?” I’ll ask. Don’t laugh, I actually have this conversation inside myself and sometimes my body says, “Stop! Don’t do that, find another way.” And again, with the guidance of my intelligent body, I haven’t felt the need to take any pain medication stronger than ibuprofen in over six years.

Now, I’m not saying that pain medication doesn’t have its place. You might hear your body say, “please give me some relief!” My point is not whether to take medication or not, it’s just to listen to the innate wisdom of your amazing body. By doing this, we also model this kind of awareness for our children. We can ask the same questions of them, and really listen and tune in. (More on that in another blog!)

So, take some time today and everyday to check in with your body. Remember, it’s trying to tell you something right this very minute, but we have to take the time to listen. I’d love to hear about your own experiences of tuning in to your body. What works? What hasn’t worked? And why do you think it’s important to take time to check in?

Sending big hugs, Shelly

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Four ways to keep old friendships alive after kids

This post is part of our Whole Life Parenting series.

I was talking with a friend the other day, who marveled at how her whole friendship landscape had changed after having kids. She said, “I have three kinds of friends now: Those who no longer call me, those who treat me exactly the same as before I had kids, and those who now have kids of their own, so they get it.”

Sure, we might find the rare childless friend who actually gets how much support parents need and how little we get, who says, Hey, I was just going to read a good book tonight, why don’t I come over and babysit so you can have a night out? Or, the kid-at-heart who calls and spontaneously suggests you and your family hop on out for a jaunt to the zoo or seaquarium.

But mostly, after we become parents, our old friends keep going on about their business, and we either follow along, or drop out of their consciousness.

How do we keep those friendships alive, and nurture the parts of us old friends remember and reflect back to us? No matter how much we love our families, no one will ever elicit quite the giggles and nostalgia that a friend from ten, fifteen or twenty years ago will.

Here’re some ways to keep breathing life into those precious relationships:

1) Tell your childless friends about the reality of your life. Suggest things to do that you love in ways that now make sense for you.

“I would love to go on that four-day, seven hundred dollar spa retreat two states away, but I can’t afford the money or the time away from my family. How about a pedicure Sunday morning?” Some of my friends have responded by turning their own events into child-friendly ones and inviting other families with children. This makes it so much easier!

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Serve-yourself snack gives you more freedom

In the Montessori classroom we have a LOT going on. Twenty-four kids are doing individual and group activities, the head teacher is demonstrating activities, and the assistant teacher is available to help kids when they need a hand.

So, when it comes to serving snack, the more the kids can help themselves, the better. This is true at home too. I mean, how many times have you been happily folding a load of laundry when your three year old whines, “Mommy, I’m huuuunnggrryyy.”

Here’s the solution! If you put out the necessary ingredients for a healthy snack on a child-sized table at say 9am every morning (or at 3pm if your kids are more hungry in the afternoon) your children can serve themselves whenever they’re hungry. This promotes independence while ensuring that your kids are eating a nutritious snack AND you don’t have to get up from your own work to serve them. Continue reading “Serve-yourself snack gives you more freedom”

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Nine ways to exercise with children

Have you been lamenting your lack of exercise? Thinking back on the days when you used to get to go to the gym, or run around your neighborhood or swim laps at the pool? Kid time is sometimes almost all our time—and the kind of “running around” we do with them doesn’t always feed our body’s need for vigorous (or gentle) and sustained exercise.

Here are some of the ways I’ve found to bring exercise back in, with activities that you and your kids both enjoy, and that give you the added benefit of that exercise you’ve been craving to round out your life, keep you physically fit, and elevate your mood. You can adapt these suggestions to your mobility level.

1. Go for a long walk outdoors. People who walk in nature report that they feel happier after a walk in the woods than they did when they started. Find a trail where you can both walk, or where you can walk and push a stroller, or where your child can run, or scoot on a scooter (a great way for them to develop coordination). A brisk walk can revitalize your and your child’s circulatory system, and a controlled dose of sunshine will do you both some good. If it’s cold, bundle up. If it’s raining, throw on ponchos.

2. Play chase. Pretend you can’t catch your child, so they can feel powerful. Then run away from them and let them “catch” you. Before you do, you might be able to run several laps around them. Depending on how long their energy lasts, you might be able to get in a good aerobic workout.

3. Go for an actual dedicated run with your child around a local track.  If you have an infant or very young child, you might be able to run pushing a stroller.  Or, if your older child runs slower, you can run circles around them, and make a game out of it. In this case, your goal will be to keep up your own pace. You can talk with them beforehand about your goals, for example, “I want to run for twenty minutes. You can run with me, let me run around you, follow on your scooter, or stay on the side where I can see you and play with your toys and books.” Did I mention it helps to bring toys and books almost anywhere? Continue reading “Nine ways to exercise with children”

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