Setting boundaries – Awake Parent

May 8, 2014May 9, 2014

Happy Mother’s Day! A Video Interview with Dr. Laura Markham

I recorded this video a little bit over a year ago as a part of an online eCourse I was creating, but I never finished the course and I just can’t withhold this gem of an interview any longer. So, to celebrate Mother’s Day I wanted to share this wonderful interview with Dr. Laura Markham with you.

Dr. Laura is such a fantastic resource for families and I am so happy to share her with you! I hope you enjoy the interview and I would love to hear your feedback and/or comments, so please feel free to share your thoughts below. And have a wonderful Mother’s Day. You are a gift to your family, the world, and to me. And I’m so so grateful you’re here. Love and hugs, Shelly

Have a wonderful Mother’s Day! Big hugs and love, Shelly

September 12, 2013September 12, 2013

4 Secrets to Effective Gentle Discipline

You’re clear that you want to be a kind, caring, and compassionate parent. You don’t want to yell or spank your kids, but sometimes it’s hard to know if gentle discipline is actually working.

There are time when your kid is completely out of control and it’s confusing to figure out what to do about it when threatening, coercing, bribing, and punishing are all off the table. But there are things you can do that will dramatically increase cooperation without the destructive effects of coercion and punishment.

1) Keep Your Cool—

This is crucially important but MUCH easier said than done. Essentially, we’re teaching our kids emotion regulation by providing a healthy example for them. So the more we can breathe, relax, and express boundaries dispassionately, the better things will go.

If you find yourself loosing it, try disengaging from your child and take a moment to cool off in another room. It may also be helpful to name your emotions, “I’m feeling really frustrated so I’m going to go into my room for a few minutes and we’ll talk more when I’m more relaxed.”

If emotions are heated, save the conversation about why your child should follow the rules for another time. When kids are emotionally activated, they’re unable to learn anything new and you’ll just get more and more upset thinking that they’re not listening, when in reality, they’re unable to process any information because they’re so emotionally triggered.

2) Compassion for Kids—

Recognizing that children act out because they’re hurt, confused, or struggling in some way can be a huge eye opener. Children do not want to push our buttons, no matter how much it seems like they do. Rather, they’re trying to get their needs met and they’re learning how to advocate for themselves, sometimes in ways that make us want to scream.

The truth is that a misbehaving child is asking for empathy, and understanding. They just haven’t learned very effective ways to win our support yet. So instead, they whine, hit, scream, spit, and try all sorts of ineffective strategies. Seeing these behaviors as a cry for help and an experiment can make it much easier to treat our kids with compassion when their behavior is out of control.

3) Play—

When kids are defiant, as strange as it seems to us, they’re often expressing a need for play. By being playful with your contrary child, you can turn defiance into cooperation. But beware, what works one time is not guaranteed to work the next time. So you’ll need a whole bunch of potential games to play at any given moment. If being playful isn’t your usual MO, I’d recommend sitting down and coming up with a list of games and ways to play when you’re faced with a child who doesn’t want to cooperate. Refer to your list when you find yourself wanting to control and force your child to cooperate.

Here’s my own list of games to get you started:

Play the “you better not do that!” game

Pretend she doesn’t know how to do it and ask her to prove it

Ask her to teach her doll how to do it

Talk in a funny voice

Sing a silly song about it

Pretend she’s a baby and do it for her

Pretend we’re animals and hop, roar, or slither our way through

Put her in charge

Let her know that I’ll be very surprised if I notice it’s already done

Make it a race and time how long it takes

4) Setting Clear Boundaries—

Children desperately need boundaries, but they also need a limited number of rules to follow and some amount of flexibility depending on the situation. That can make setting clear and consistent boundaries seem like some sort of unattainable nirvana of gentle discipline. Especially when it seems like they only listen to us when we lose it and yell at them. So here are my strategies for how to set consistent boundaries in a gentle way:

a) Make a short list of essential rules. These are things that are safety issues, or things that drive you batty and you will not abide. Make sure your list has no more than 5 items of these “non-negotiable” rules.

b) During a time when everyone is calm, ask your child to agree to the rules and have a discussion about why these rules are so important to you. Ask your child what she thinks of the rules and if there are any she’d like to remove or add. Really have a discussion with your child about this and be sure to let her know that while you’ll take her ideas into consideration, and you hope you can all agree, ultimately you’re the parent(s) so you’ll make the final decision on the rules for your family.

c) Do your best to make it almost impossible for your child to break the rules. For instance if your rule is “we always hold hands in the parking lot” make sure YOU take your child’s hand or wrist every time. If the rule is “no hitting the baby” provide additional supervision, space between siblings, and begin to remove the baby from the room if you notice your older child getting agitated.

d) Come up with a protocol for what you’ll do if the rule is broken. I don’t advocate any form of punishment, however, you do need to know exactly what you’ll do if the rule is broken to encourage adherence to the rule in the future and to acknowledge that the rule has been broken. Having this protocol in place can also help you keep your cool and remember that your child is simply testing the boundaries, which is a huge part of learning and understanding rules.

In the above examples you might choose to go back home because parking lots aren’t safe or you may separate the kids if hitting occurs. There are times when I have removed toys or other objects, especially when they’re dangerous and I occasionally limit my daughter’s mobility (i.e. sit by her bedroom door so that she cannot leave at bedtime) It’s up to you to decide what you’ll do based on your 5 most important rules.

e) Be more flexible with limits you’d like to set but which aren’t as essential to safety or sanity. The more freedom and autonomy your child experiences outside of the main rules, the more likely his needs for freedom will be met and he’ll choose to adhere to the major rules.

f) Address the underlying needs. Whenever kids act out it’s because they need something. When we can identify the need and address it directly, we reduce the incidents of pushing the limits and we nurture and care for our child in a way that really nurtures and supports them. For instance, often the need underneath hitting is either for space and/or touch. By checking in and either offering some alone time or snuggles, we eliminate the reason our child broke the rule in the first place.

Alright, so there you have it! I would love to know if these strategies work for you too, so please share your story or idea below.

And have a fabulous week, Shelly

August 14, 2013August 14, 2013

4 Rules I Never Thought I’d Have to Have

Parenting is filled with unexpected moments of delight and horror in almost equal measure as far as I can tell. Your kid tells a funny joke far beyond her years, and then she head butts you and busts your lip open.

I knew there would be unexpected challenges when I became a parent, but there have been some things that have completely shocked me. Even though I’ve been a nanny, preschool teacher, and an older sister for most of my life, the innate ability of our darling child to wreak complete havoc on our lives still astounds me.

You know I’m a big fan of setting clear boundaries and making sure everyone in our lives knows the rules. But there are a few rules we’ve had to make lately that I definitely did not expect to ever have to have.

Here they are:

1) No eating on the toilet

We usually don’t carry snacks around the house, mostly because we have a dog who will put her tongue into your hot chocolate if you so much as turn your head away for an instant (true story). However, Julia likes to take her sweet time during meal times. From what I’ve read on the subject, eating slowly is healthier, so I’ve allowed her to meander through her meals. She often spends a full hour at the table; so inevitably, she sometimes has to use the bathroom in the middle of a meal.

It never occurred to me that she would want to bring her food with her! But, kids will be kids. They have their own ideas about things. And since eating on the toilet just isn’t sanitary, this is one rule we’ve made that I had never even considered before having a child of my own.

2) No jumping into your underwear

Last week Julia wanted to jump into her underwear. The problem is that she has no idea how hard her head is, and very little impulse control, so when Daddy said, “No. Jumping into your underwear is not safe” she was already launching herself straight up into his face. She actually gave him a concussion when the hardest part of her head hit him right between the eyes. He saw stars and was completely altered for days afterward. It’s a week later and he’s still not completely healed. We have GOT to handle this head butting thing a.s.a.p.

3) No nails at the dinner table

For her third birthday, Julia received some construction tools (thanks Dad!). She got a vice, I built her a workbench, and she now has her own hammer and tool belt. When I taught her how to hammer in a nail she got so excited that she wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon hammering nails. Unfortunately, after about an hour it was time to go inside for dinner.

As you know, I try my best to avoid grabbing things away from my daughter, but when I told her it was time to put the nails away she held on to them like they were crucial to her very survival. I tried to talk her through it, but she was so upset she wasn’t able to think clearly and all she knew was that holding on to those nails was essential, and I was trying to get them away.

I’ll admit, I grabbed them away, reminding her that it was a safety issue since nails are sharp and they’re definitely not allowed at the dinner table.

4) If you want to lie down in the mud, you have to take your clothes off

Lately one of Julia’s favorite backyard activities is to use her watering can to create a huge mud puddle (in a designated spot, thankfully) and then play in the mud. This is all well and good and a healthy activity, but I don’t enjoy scrubbing the mud out of her shirt, pants, and underwear on a daily basis. So I’ve made a rule that she’s welcome to play in the mud puddle, as long as she takes her clothes off first. She’s still getting used to this rule and you should see the surprised looks on her grandparents faces when she announces, “I’m allowed to put my tummy in the mud, as long as I take my shirt off first!” It’s a good thing kids are washable.

I’m sure these remind you of some of the more bizarre rules you’ve had to implement. And I could use a laugh, so I hope you’ll share some with us all. What are some rules you never thought you’d have to have?

Have a great week, Shelly

July 11, 2012

Why We Montessori (my new school just opened!)

About six months ago I realized that Julia is ready for preschool. She loves to go to story time at the library, enjoys social interactions, is absorbing information at a phenomenal rate, and is beginning to test the rules and boundaries, all indicators of readiness for greater social challenges. So I went and visited a hand full of preschools in my area. Most of them wouldn’t admit a child under three years old and since Julia isn’t quite two yet my choices were somewhat limited to a few Montessori toddler programs with pretty steep price tags.

I’ve worked in Montessori classrooms for years and while I loved the programs I visited, I balked at the price. Then I visited some programs that were not Montessori and I was again reminded why I love the Montessori classroom so much. The chaos, clutter, and lack of clear boundaries that I observed at some of the other schools I visited re-inspired me to continue to use Montessori philosophies to teach Julia at home. The only problem was that I don’t have any other children, so there’s no mixed age classroom and a distinct lack of peer interactions.

So I decided to open a Montessori-Inspired preschool and toddler house here at home two mornings a week. This was my first week of class with just one new student, but I was already impressed by the children’s immediate ability to engage with their work, follow my rules and directions, clean up after themselves, and innovate new and interesting ways to explore the environment. My new school is already a success!

Now Julia is getting the social interaction she’s been craving and she is already more physically adventurous after watching her new friend climb jump and play. Hooray! Plus, now I have an even better excuse to spend my evenings creating learning materials. Yes, I really am that much of a Montessori geek. Three part cards are rocking my world right now. More on that in a future post, but for now I’ll just say it’s wonderful to be back in a Montessori classroom.

Here’s a list of a few of my favorite things about Montessori vs. Traditional preschool environments:

Montessori	Traditional
Peaceful, quiet, and focused on individual exploration; children are engaged in meaningful learning and expanding their interests and attention spans.	Chaotic and loud; children are running around like maniacs with few opportunities for sustained attention.
Lots of choices and children are each doing their own thing, which emphasizes awareness of ones own interests, needs, and desires.	The whole group does things together which emphasizes herd mentality and going along with the group.
Mixed ages means children can both learn from one another and teach one another. Varied social experiences and celebration of each child’s unique skills and expertise are the norm.	Same ages grouped together means children have little experience navigating social interactions with older and younger children. A child’s only mentor is the teacher.
Clear rules, boundaries, and expectations about the use of materials and the need to put activities away so that the next person can use them creates a culture where cleaning up is just a matter of course. Children end up enjoying cleaning and often choose cleaning activities for fun!	Undefined expectations about how to use toys and materials can lead to destructive behaviors as children search for the boundaries. Children are given free reign to create a huge mess and then inconsistently asked to help clean up at the end of the day but never develop a deeper care for their environment.

So, there you have it. Just a few of the reasons that a Montessori or Montessori-Inspired environment is the only one my daughter will be in. And to those of you out there who choose Waldorf for your kids, I’m curious about how you would include the Waldorf philosophies and practices in my chart. I don’t know much about Waldorf but from what I do know, the philosophies sound interesting and aligned with my heart, but my observations of Waldorf in action have been less than stellar. I would love to be converted to a Waldorf lover (although I think Montessori education will always be my first love). So, please leave me a comment to teach me more about why Waldorf is another great choice for conscious parents!

And have a fantastic week. Love, Shelly

May 23, 2012May 23, 2012

Testing the waters: How setting boundaries builds trust

I was on a family vacation to Hawaii last week (Happy Mother’s Day to me!) and we had a wonderful time. About half way through our trip we were in the kiddie pool and J was feeling hesitant at first. She wasn’t so sure that the water was such a fun place to be until two young boys started splashing, playing and having a great time. And then she was convinced. The boys’ parents were in the adjacent pool with a young baby and they kept calling out to the boys to settle down, stop splashing, and be nice. But I didn’t see anything at all wrong with the way the boys were behaving. They were just having fun and playing!

At one point one of the boys got brave enough to approach me and proceeded to put some sand on my arm. I could tell that he wasn’t sure how I’d react, but I just wanted to play, so I said “Hey! You put sand on my arm! Oh no! But watch this.” And then I slipped my arm under the water and washed off the sand. After that, he knew that we were playing a really fun game so he put more sand on my arm and I washed it off again. All the time I was encouraging him because I knew that if things got out of hand I could easily set a clear boundary. But I kept checking in with his parents through eye contact and it seemed to me that most of their remunerations were attempts to make sure that I was safe and comfortable.

The boys were just ecstatic to have an adult who would play with them and we splashed and swam and I got very excited about the big splashes they made. All the time their parents kept calling out to them not to splash too much, but I ask you, exactly how much splashing is “too much” splashing when you’re in a swimming pool? I got the distinct feeling that the parents were trying to reign in their boys because they were worried that I might feel overwhelmed. I tried to reassure them that I was in my element.

After about ten minutes of rowdy play one of the boys ran over to me and scratched my arm. I stopped him immediately by lightly touching his elbow to get his attention. Then I looked into his eyes and told him that scratching people is NOT OK, it hurt my body when he scratched me and I didn’t want him to scratch anyone again. He understood me perfectly and we continued to play for another ten minutes with no more scratching. In fact, there wasn’t any more boundary testing of any kind, after the scratching incident. I think he just needed to know exactly how far he could go, and whether I was a really fun pushover or an adult he could trust and with whom he could relax.

Besides tuning into a child’s needs and being willing to help them get their needs met, I think that setting clear and consistent boundaries is the best way to build trust with a child. It makes sense, right? If a child feels he is in charge he can never fully relax and know that he will be taken care of. On the other hand, if a child knows that there is a clear line that must not be crossed, he can play and have tons of fun within the bounds of our rules and agreements, always knowing that I will hold the line when needed. As the adult in the situation, I see this as a special part of my role in facilitating fun and joy with children.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve had as I’ve learned to set clear and consistent boundaries with children is to do so without malice. I used to get all worked up and take it personally when a child tested me or broke a rule. Unfortunately for both of us, my emotional charge only further escalated things and let the child know that I wasn’t to be trusted because I wasn’t able to hold the boundary with love.

After about twenty years of practice, I’m now able to set and maintain a boundary with a child AND be loving and kind in the process. I wasn’t angry with the boy for scratching me. I simply let him know that that behavior was unacceptable and wouldn’t be tolerated. And I did so without a bunch of negative emotional charge. After that, we both understood one another, we knew where the boundaries were, and he was easily able to play with me within the bounds of my rules.

So the next time you notice your child testing your boundaries, remember that the best thing you can do is to maintain clarity about your rules and hold fast to them with love and compassion for your child. That doesn’t mean you can’t revise a rule that no longer applies or doesn’t seem to be working for anyone. But your children need to know that you will consider their input, but that ultimately you will make a decision about what the rules are and you’ll maintain the rules and boundaries for everyone’s well-being.

How does this work at your house? Do you notice a difference between the times when you’re able to maintain emotional composure while setting boundaries versus the times when you “lose it.” Do you agree with my assertion that children will trust you more when you’re able to set clear boundaries? I would love to know your thoughts. Please share them in the comments below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly