How I averted a power struggle and created a game instead
by Shelly on Mar 25th 2009
After I learned to Go for the Giggle, I had an experience with a child in which I could see two distinct choices before me of how to handle a potential power struggle.
It was another afternoon with Kyle, six, and Neil, two. I was sitting in the playroom folding the family laundry.
Just as I had almost finished, and was stacking some of the folded laundry into the basket, Kyle ran over and knocked the basket over, spilling the newly folded laundry on to the floor.
I felt a flash of anger and tensely asked him to pick it up. He refused and ran out of the room with a grin. I continued to fold the last of the laundry but left the basked toppled and waited for him to return.
I considered my options… “This could easily escalate and become a huge power struggle,” I thought, envisioning that scenario unfolding (pun intended).
I knew I didn’t want to pick up the laundry myself, but I also couldn’t force him to do it.
Suddenly, Kyle entered the room wearing his dress-up armor, carrying a sword and a shield.
He pointed the sword at me.
I asked again if he would pick up the basket. He said, “I didn’t knock over the basket.”
We all knew he was lying–we’d seen him knock the laundry over.
But I had an idea. I decided to play along with his game and see if I could spin this so that he’d actually WANT to pick up the basket.
“Oh Great Knight!” I exclaimed, “I’m so glad you’ve come! A laundry monster has knocked over my basket of laundry! Please, Great Knight, will you help me?!”
Kyle flashed me a smile and ran over to the basket.
After he picked everything up he pointed the sword at me again.
I glanced over and pointed at a stuffed dragon on the floor nearby “There it is Great Knight! The Laundry Monster! Slay it!” Kyle quickly directed his sword at the stuffed dragon–and away from me.
I felt triumphant. Not only had I averted a potential power struggle, we had actually remained connected, and had fun together in the midst of a potential disaster.
I got my laundry fixed, and he got to play and save face. In fact, as soon as I was able to take his lead and really play with him, he was able to cooperate.
In this instance, not only was I able to remain grounded in my own needs for safety and peace, but also I was able to make a clear request, to which Kyle could agree without feeling overpowered, forced, or coerced.
So, the next time it seems like he’s just out to get you, see what you can do to turn the tables to avoid the power struggle.
I feel so grateful that this time, I chose the path of ease, fun, and connection. I hope by sharing this story, I can offer you more options for avoiding a power struggle and staying connected with your child.
Thanks for being here!
Warmest hugs, Shelly Birger
P.S. What did you think about this topic ? Have you ever had similar experiences? We welcome your comments in the box below.
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Brilliant, and Fun!
I am also curious though, about any conversations to have afterwards, about boundaries, lying etc
I DEFINITELY prefer Shelly’s playful aikido manuever in that critical heated moment, but afterwards I’d still be inclined to lay down some Serious clarity with my kid around flagrant disrespect (though not sure at what age that is even possible/fruitful)
Guess I’ll be finding out in the increasingly less distant future (kendra is due mid-may,,,!)
OHMYGOD this is happening constantly with my two, almost four-year-old boys. Yesterday Jack thought it would be funny to pull all the mail out of the mail box but did not think it equally fun to pick it up off the ground and bring it into the house. I insisted he pick it up and it happened, one letter at a time, with me standing over him “PIck it up!” and him complaining the whole time “I can’t” and moving as slowly as possible. I knew I wasn’t being very effective or positive but I was determined that he do it and that I not “give in.” Wish I’d thougt of the “Mail Mongering Monster!” I also wonder, like the other commenters, how to address the issue of lying, responsibility, etc.
Your columns are so helpful. Thanks!
In terms of addressing lying with young kids, I’ve found that it’s much more effective to talk about it when there isn’t a current lie on the table. Confronting kids about their lies in the moment often just produces shame and disconnection.
Instead, I like to discuss things like trust, responsibility, and telling the truth, while we’re at the park, reading a story, or having lunch. By doing this, we’re building new values and concepts. So, don’t expect kids to “get it” right away. Instead, look at the life long path of developing into an honest, trustworthy person and give your kids some compassion when they experiment with behaviors you don’t like.
I definitely let kids know that lying isn’t ok with me and it affects my trust. That in turn affects the freedom I’m willing to give them.
But for the most part, lying in young kids is a VERY NORMAL experiment. The funny thing about it is that their intention is to please us (or at least to escape punishment or shame). At about 2 or 3yo kids realize that we want a certain response and they try giving us what we want. Now it’s up to us to catch their lies, let them know that we know the truth, and give them our compassion and trust whenever they tell the truth even though they’re afraid.
Wow, I have a lot to say about this!
Last thing for now, personally I get much more concerned when older children lie. But I still think it’s important to offer them compassion and understanding even while we hold the line that lying is not ok. If your older child is lying, ask yourself- what need is he meeting by not telling the truth right now?
I hope this clarifies things a little. Thanks so much for your comments! Love and hugs, Shelly
Shelly’s last blog post..How I Averted a Power Struggle and Created a Game Instead
Thank you for the reminder to stay connected instead of insisting on a certain way. I wish I would have read this column before my 3 year old son had a big freak out about not wanting to come out of the bathtub tonight.
One day at the time…there will be more opportunities to practice joy and fun in heated situation.
Yes, This is a common theme in My House with My 6 year Old Daughter. She Has a need to Be right [ as in, "it was Not "me" who knocked over the Laundry Basket ] And so I think the pretend play [ go for the giggle ] has worked best. It has kept Spirits high and a Happier energy in the House!
Yes! Thanks for all of your comments. I love it that our website can be a place of introspection and interaction for us all.
Andrea, I’m glad you’re remembering to have compassion for yourself. You’re absolutely doing your best and it sounds like you’re inspired to create even more connection and be able to maintain it in even more challenging moments. I’ll just say, I’ve been there. And in the moments when I was able to let go of the illusion of control, recognize the needs of the child and empathize with him or her, everything shifted and became easier. Of course, I haven’t yet written about the moments when I completely lost my composure, raised my voice, and heard my parents words come out. That’s for another newsletter…
Heather, I’m so happy that these strategies are working for you and I’m curious about what’s underneath your daughter’s “need to be right”. Is she avoiding feeling embarrassed or guilty? And is there a way to create so much safety for her that she might be able to admit to her mistakes but feel relieved or supported (rather than ashamed) in the process? Just curious what you think about that.
Anyway, thanks again for your comments everyone! And please let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help and support you. Hugs, Shelly
Shelly,
I love it.
I use a similar method with my grand kids and other kids in my charge.
For example, when crossing the street, and I want the child to hold my hand (for safety reasons) I ask the child to hold my hand so I won’t get hit by a car. Kids like to help. Even the most rambunctious youngster will usually do it.
I once met my son and his family at a park, and after play we decided to go get a pizza at a large mall. My grand-daughter rode with me, and after parking, we had a long walk across a busy out-door mall to get to the meeting place.
I told her I didn’t want to get lost, and I asked if she would hold my hand. She held it all the way. What a girl!