Jill – Awake Parent

September 15, 2010July 30, 2010

Guest Blog: Family mediation- the power of the “third side”

Thomas-Hands-web

This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

Sometimes we think fighting is just “what kids (or adults) do,” rather than a way we engage when our needs aren’t getting met. I prefer to think of engaging peacefully as “what we do,” and that when we get off track, we can use a hand to get back to a place of connection.

I remember when my son was about three, his dad was in a bread-making phase. Sometimes I liked the results, and sometimes I didn’t. While at the local farmer’s market, my son and I found a particularly yummy loaf of walnut bread, and brought it home discreetly. When his dad saw it, he became incredulous.

“Bread??? You BOUGHT bread!?!?!?”

Canaan felt the tension here. I’ll never forget his response. He raised his body up, opened his arms to the two of us, and proclaimed,

“We all eat bread! There’s farmer’s market bread, and Da-da’s bread, and all kinds of bread to eat.”

Well, shall we let a thousand flowers bloom, or what?

I see this as his attempt to introduce a larger perspective, or “third side,” to his dad’s and my moment of polarization. Sometimes all this takes is showing up with a loving, aware presence.

I remember my stepmother discovering the term “triangualation” in the 80’s, and telling me it was “toxic.” She was referring to one person getting into, or in between two other people who were having a difficult time, creating a “triangle” of three people. Unfortunately, this was the only term in our universe at that time to describe a third person entering into an interaction with two others. There was no positive way to describe a third side to an entanglement.

Today, as a mediator and lifetime student of conflict resolution, I see many ways a third person can show up in a family and help to ease tensions for the other two or more people who are having a hard time to make things easier. This is something humans do intuitively, even when the results aren’t optimal. Kids do it, too, as my son demonstrated above. Continue reading “Guest Blog: Family mediation- the power of the “third side””

August 18, 2010July 30, 2010

Guest Blog: How to intervene when other adults disrespect your child

eye child This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

I’m happy to be back at AwakeParent.com as a guest blogger today. I wanted to share with you some thoughts on dealing with other adults in your life who interact with your children. As parents striving for greater consciousness, I have found it can sometimes be painful when other adults interact with our precious children in ways that don’t support the experience we’re trying so hard to create.

At times, I have both asked and been asked by other adults to treat a child differently. This hasn’t gone very well! The time I was asked not to interact with a child in the way I wanted to I felt a sense of shame, even though intellectually I agreed with the parent’s boundary. What happened? I touched a child’s hair without permission. Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps, but really, how would I feel if someone I didn’t know reach out and started fondling my tresses, rather than ask? I could see in the parent’s eyes that that was exactly what he was tuned into. I got it; still, I felt small.

I have also not found a way to make such a request of another adult that feels both compassionate and authentic. When I have made such requests, it’s also felt alienating, rather than connecting. It seems no one likes to hear, “Please don’t do that to my child.”

Here’s what I think is going on, and what we can do about it. One, I think a vulnerable part of us comes forth when we connect with a child. I want to treat this part of myself and others with gentleness and compassion, so I want to honor all good faith attempts to connect with children. Two, if I intervene on his behalf, I do my own child a bit of a disservice. I exercise my autonomy instead of allowing him to exercise his. At the same time, I want to intervene if it looks like my child would rather not be experiencing what’s happening.

So, if my son looks uncomfortable though not in danger (or being tickled), or like he’s just tolerating something an adult is doing, I ask him, within the other person’s earshot, and with a lighthearted attitude, “Is that okay with you?” Often he says “no,” and almost always the adult apologizes to him, and does not seem offended. This way, I’m also training my son to check in with himself, and ask “Is this OK with me?”

I think most adults genuinely want to connect with children in mutually consensual ways, but we feel awkward because we so seldom see this kind of behavior modeled for us. I still feel slightly embarrassed sometimes when I do manage to treat my child with complete respect, because it’s not what I’ve seen modeled. However, occasionally someone will say they were touched or moved by how I interacted with my son. Maybe we can all help to awaken in each other our deep yearning for all beings, large and small, to be treated with complete respect.

Back in real life, our beloved friends and relatives may not follow our lead as quickly as we would like—or at all, for that matter—people generally default to what they’re familiar with. However, what I’ve noticed is that the more we can respect and embrace the adults’ loving intentions at the same time as we model respect for our children (by lightheartedly asking the child if what’s happening is OK with them), the less likely we will be to trigger shame in the other adult, and to feel triggered ourselves. I want to remind myself and others that we adults are always doing the best we can with the young people in their lives. I want us all to try to support each other where we are, even as we hold out possibilities for where we might be.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this.

Warmly,

Jill

Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation

February 11, 2010March 3, 2012

Endings and Beginnings

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.”
~ Marie Beyon Ray

We have two pieces of big news: One, Jill is vacating. Two, Shelly has a new tenant, of sorts, and will carry this blog forward. Here’s more, in our own words:

From Jill:
In 2005, Shelly Birger and I had a baby: The Conscious Parenting Alliance. Her move up north, toward love and the family she’s always wanted, inspired us to create Bay Area classes, and then, to keep the flow of our ideas into the world, this blog, Awake Parent Perspectives, and our CD, Perspectives on Feelings. Colin Chung came in just over a year ago and gave a big boost to our marketing efforts. (Thank you, Colin!)

A divorce (mine), a marriage (Shelly’s), several classes and dozens of articles later, I’ve discovered it’s time for me to move on. Creative work, some of it related to this work, calls me. So do the demands of post-divorce parenthood, as well as care for myself, as I finally give up the big house in the Berkeley Hills I’ve lived in for ten years and find something smaller, more affordable, and more sustainable for the work of this phase of my life.

So I’m paring down. In saying goodbye to you, I realize all I have really offered all this time are the musings of one imperfect parent. If anything, I’d like to thank you for giving me a reason to share my thoughts, and an appreciative audience. I think publishing my parenting hopes and dreams has given me the courage, the confidence and the accountability to actually put some of them into practice from time to time. Lately, it seems that more often than not I want my own parenting coach, on demand, to help me through the hard moments. I think my biggest lesson has been to find sources of strength and peace within myself.

What’s next for me? Selling my screenplay (know any producers?). Doing more Witnessed Mediation (check out Witnessed Mediation on YouTube). And coming soon in the Bay Area, a local class on Cultivating Compassionate Presence, which includes parents. Email me directly at jillcnagle at gmail dot com to be notified.

I’ll never forget about this community, or about supporting parents in general. I’ll never forget how much love and care we all need, and how we’re doing the most important work of the world. Your love has made a difference in my life and I hope mine has made a difference in yours.

On a personal level, Awake Parent has nourished me most through Shelly. I miss Shelly’s and my weekly meetings, and regular exchange of emotional support. I miss working with Shelly and all the parents who came through our classes. I’m also thrilled for the new developments in her life–I’ll let her speak to those herself…

Warmly,

Jill

“Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.”
~ Carrie Fisher

From Shelly:
I’m pregnant!!! I am so excited to be ushering my first child into the world this August and I can’t wait to see how my blog, this website, and all we offer at Awake Parent will develop as I embark on the journey you’re already so well aware of. I still have lots to share from my experiences teaching preschool and working as a nanny to the stuff I learned in college about young people’s brain development, and I am more committed than ever to sharing it all with you.

I’m so grateful that Jill and I began this journey together, I’m not sure I would have forged out on my own. And the teamwork and synergy we’ve experienced has nurtured my creative spirit. I’ve also learned so much from my dear friend Jill about how to really listen and share empathy with others, thank you Jill! Now it’s time for Jill to move on to other projects and I feel ready to continue to provide the weekly blogs you’ve come to expect, more CDs and other materials to help you on your parenting journey, and of course the one-on-one parenting coaching which is such a huge part of my inspiration and purpose.

I hope you’ll all stick around and offer us feedback and suggestions about how Colin and I can make Awake Parent an even better resource for you. And, if you or someone you know is interested in being a guest blogger here, I’m pretty sure I’ll need a couple of those during August and September 🙂 Just send your info to shelly@awakeparent.com and we can chat about what kind of a blog would most serve our parents.

Thanks again for being here. Thank you for sharing your stories, your struggles, your triumphs, and most of all your desire to be the best parent you can be.

Big huge warm hugs,

Shelly

January 27, 2010March 3, 2012

The taking-it-personally vortex

One of my biggest challenges as a parent is trying to find ways not to take it personally when my child blames me for his unhappiness. Sometimes, it’s easier than others. For example, when I hear, “You’re so mean!”, it’s easy for me me to remember that this is all part of the parenting mix. It’s harder when he does things like vigorously reject my home-cooked food.

I don’t know whether “You’re so mean” rolls off my back because I’ve heard it so many times lately (whenever my son doesn’t get what he wants), and thus am getting used to it but somehow, I’ve been able lately to keep a calm heart in the face of “You’re so mean”, and offer up empathy guesses into feelings and needs:

“Ah–are you saying you’re angry because you’re not getting what you want?”

“Yeeahhhh.”

Whew. That I can hang with! And it also helps take the edge off his upset. In fact, whenever I can remember to tune in deeply to my son, and help him feel heard and understood, his anger dissipates, and least a bit.

I think if I could remember each and every time I hear something personal, to tune into the feelings and needs underneath, I’d probably be a lot more peaceful.

As it is, what comes up for me sometimes is, well, taking it personally. And then fighting accordingly. This is especially easy to do when I get called a name. For a period of weeks, when my son was unhappy, he’d shout, “Stink!”, which I think was meant to be a noun, as in, You are a “stink,” an unpleasantly-scented thing…like a piece of poop for example.

Continue reading “The taking-it-personally vortex”

January 4, 2010March 3, 2012

What Do You Really Need in The New Year?

Happy Gregorian New Year! Whatever calendar we may observe as part of our many traditions, the popularity and ubiquity of the Gregorian New Year offers us a time to reflect, regroup and realign with what we want most.

This past October, as part of my year-long program studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) mediation, I went on one of three retreats. I got to deepen my NVC skills, learn new ways of approaching mediation, and make many wonderful connections with other mediators.

One powerful demonstration stood out in my mind. John Kinyon, one of my mentors, stood with one foot in front of the other. He said he was about to recall something he was upset or angry about, and to think of it in “jackal” or judgmental terms, such as “that person’s a jerk,” (or bad, or wrong or similar). He did so, and asked a volunteer to attempt to push him off balance. John got knocked over quite easily.

Then, he stopped and asked himself what he was needing. For example, peace, support, or respect. He allowed himself to “drop down into,” or really feel the awareness of that need, beneath the judgment. The volunteer attempted once again to knock John off balance and was not able to do so. We got together into pairs and tried the exercise–it worked! When I dropped down into my need beneath my judgment, I felt calm, solid, and grounded, and in fact was not pushed over.

What does any of this have to do with the Gregorian New Year?

Continue reading “What Do You Really Need in The New Year?”