Author: Jill

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Seek first to understand…

In his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey enjoins us to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

As hard as this may be to remember to do with other adults sometimes, I find it even harder to remember to do with my son.

Recently I got my son and his stepbrother reading and math workbooks based on movie characters. My son got a Cars (as in the Disney movie) workbook for Chanukah, while his stepbrother got a Spiderman workbook. My son wailed and hollered for days…”It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Why did you give him that?”

I explained that I knew Canaan (my son, and that’s his new chosen spelling of his name) liked Cars, so I got him that, and I knew Taebin (his stepbrother) liked Spiderman so I got him that. Completely logical.  Meanwhile I was kicking myself for not remembering to get them identical gifts.

Canaan’s dad explained to him that if he kept reacting like this, people wouldn’t feel like giving him gifts anymore. Turning on my best earth mother tone, I imparted a deeply meaningful spiritual lesson about how gifts are expressions of the heart, and the giver wants joy and gratitude in response, and how the gesture of giving the gift is an act of love, far beyond the gift itself.

We also reminded him to focus on himself, and not pay so much attention to what other kids were getting.

Well, sure.

And…blah, blah, blah.

What does any of this mean to a six-year-old with a bruised heart?

Maybe something sunk in. I hope it did.

But what dawned on me was that I had completely skipped over the step of seeking first to understand him. And in so doing, missed the chance to really connect with him, build trust, and show him I was on his side. And how much more valuable would that be than trying to “convince” him of something when he plainly knows otherwise?

I stopped mid-lecture.

“Are you feeling really sad, because when you saw Taebin’s gift you wanted his more than yours?”

Immediately his energy relaxed.

“Yyyeeeeahhhh….”

Of course it did–I was showing him that I was with him, not against him.

So I continued.

“And you really wish you had that present, so you could feel like things were equal?”

Tiny whimper.

“Uh-huh.”

Oh, my sweet little puffin.

I felt myself soften, too.

I noticed that I can feel afraid, sometimes, when I take this approach, that I’m somehow reinforcing “irrational behavior,” or teaching him that it’s “Ok to be upset about little stuff.”  I’m also just wanting peace, and wanting his tirade to end, which fuels my strategy of explaining why it “should” end.

I need to remind myself that empathizing with him doesn’t mean I’m agreeing with his story–it just means I’m taking a moment to seek first to understand, before trying to get understood. This works pretty well with adults. How much more mileage can we get from this technique with young people, who don’t even have the advanced brain development most adults do? But boy, do they know when someone is genuinely trying to understand them.

Please tell me your experience–what happens when you seek first to understand (and check out with the other person whether you got it right), before seeking to be understood?

Oh, and happy Chanukah!

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Rewind! A simple trick that really works.

Sometimes the best and simplest solutions are the hardest to remember. I’m not sure why that is. Back in the days when Shelly and I lived in the same city and taught classes “real-time,” one of the things we brought up frequently was that in real life, you don’t really get “rewinds,” where you can go back and start over. So we’d replay challenging situations and get to try out new behaviors so we could become comfortable with them.

However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.

The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.

And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened.  Why is that?

I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.

This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”

When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into  ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go.  Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!

Warmly,

Jill

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Another look at demands

We don’t blog much about, and certainly don’t advocate much for, demands. But sometimes a seemingly rash move like a demand can really shake things up–in good ways.

Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!

This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.

Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of.  And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.

Continue reading “Another look at demands”

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“Have to?” Are you sure about that?

I’m gearing up for a five-day retreat in which I’ll study Nonviolent Communication Mediation intensively. As many of you know, I work as a mediator and Shelly and I use the insights of Nonviolent Communication, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, in our work here at Awake Parent.

One of my favorite insights, or, “reframes,” as my girlfriend likes to call it, is taking the phrase “I have to…” and rephrasing it as, “I choose to…because I want…” So, for example, “I have to go to this stupid job I hate,” might become something like, “I choose to keep this job because the salary affords me things I want and need, like health insurance, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing I have reliable income.” Continue reading ““Have to?” Are you sure about that?”

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Appreciating the parent you are…

I want to appreciate you, just for being the parent you are.

Will you join me?

Would you please take a moment…even a fraction of a
second…right now…and appreciate yourself as a parent?

Seriously.

How often do we take time–even a nanosecond–to appreciate not what we’re doing, but simply that we are being the grown-up in this little person or these little people’s lives?

Just the fact of our existence and presence means they get to have a sense of themselves in the world as someone important, someone loved, someone special.

We are that gift!

No matter what human frailties we have exhibited, what things we’ve said or done that weren’t as we wished…we are here. And they are right where they are because we brought them into our lives.

So I say to you today: Well done, parents!

And if we do want to take it a step further…

Let’s appreciate our inherently human qualities…those things that mean the world to little ones (even though they may not realize it).

The warmth of our hugs…

The shine in our eyes when we watch them…

The glow of our smile…

Just as we appreciate the young people in our lives, just for being them…let’s take a moment to appreciate ourselves–just for being us–and what an amazing impact we have–just by being ourselves–on the lives of the young ones we care for.

Thank you, all parents, from the bottom of my heart, for showing up in whatever ways you can. It means the world to your children.

I know I can forget to appreciate myself…when I do, like right now, I realize, Wow, I am, after all, enough. Maybe even more than enough. 🙂

How do you feel when you take the time to appreciate yourself? Please tell me in the space below.

Warmly,

Jill

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