Category: Attachment parenting

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The Number One Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Kids

When my daughter and I were traveling to Illinois to visit family, we spent time in several airports.

There was a moment when we had just gotten off of one of the planes and we were using the bathroom. A mom and her 6-year-old daughter were in the next stall and the tone of voice that the mother used literally made me want to crawl out of my skin. I wished my daughter had never heard anyone use that tone and my heart went out to the young girl who was on the receiving end of her mother’s wrath.

Essentially the mom was having a tantrum and was directing her anger and frustration at her child. It hurt my heart to listen to the way she spoke to her daughter. Where was the respect and compassion?

Look, I get it, sometimes we all get frustrated and lose it with our kids. I guess I just hope that we can notice ourselves getting upset and have the wherewithal to process those feelings on our own, rather than dumping them on our kids, at least some of the time.

I know not everyone shares my values. Not all adults want to treat young people with complete respect and offer them as much love and compassion as possible. But I’m sure grateful that you do.

Maybe that mom in the airport hadn’t yet processed her own childhood trauma and so she was repeating the pattern with their own kids. Right now I’m feeling very glad that I have chosen to actively process mine and to forge a new parenting path for myself.

So what’s the number one most important thing you can do for your kids?

Heal your past and become more available for connection.

I’m curious, have you unpacked your own childhood? Do you know what happened to you growing up and why things were the way they were?

I recently remembered one of the core concepts of “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Siegel and Hartzell. The research they wrote about showed that the greatest predictor of a healthy attachment between parent and child had nothing at all to do with the child.

His sex, personality, disposition, and even attachment style were essentially irrelevant to his ultimate connection with his parent. Instead, the attachment between parent and child had everything to do with the parent and how well he or she had processed their own childhood. Yep, that’s right,

Our own ability to process our childhood predicts how connected we’ll be with our kids.

Siegel writes about how having a “cohesive narrative,” which means being able to make sense of our past and creating a story for ourselves about what happened, why, and how we’ve emerged as a result of our past experiences is actually the most important predictor of attachment. When moms (and dads) have a cohesive narrative they end up being far more connected with their kids. And that’s better for the parents AND the kids.

To give you a more personal example of what this “cohesive narrative” might look like, I’ll share a story from my own life.

When I was five my parents divorced and a year or so later my dad and I moved from Champaign, IL to Collinsville, IL about a 3 ½ hour drive south west. I stayed with my dad for the school year and my mom drove down for every other weekend visits. I also stayed with my mom in Champaign for the summer. As a child I made up a story that my dad “took me away from my mom.” And even though I loved and appreciated my dad, I was angry with him for taking me away.

I held on to that story for many years, into adulthood and looking back I can see that that particular story was one of the things that kept me emotionally distant from my dad.

As an adult, I decided that perhaps my story about what had happened was incorrect, or at least incomplete, so I sat down with my dad and asked him about it. I was terrified to have the conversation, fearing that he would get angry and defensive, so I learned some Nonviolent Communication skills, practiced with a friend, and processed my own pain so that I could go into the conversation with an open and curious energy, instead of blaming or shaming my dad.

During the conversation I got a whole new perspective on what was happening for my dad at the time when he decided to move. I realized that his intention was to move closer to his family for additional support. I learned about some things that were happening in his emotional and financial life that impacted his decision, and I finally understood that while the result was that we moved away from my mom, that wasn’t the driving factor in his choice to move.

Whew! Now instead of seeing his choice as an attempt to hurt me, I saw it as a desire to provide and care for me. And that utterly transformed my narrative and my relationship with my dad. I’m much closer with my dad now than I was during my teens and twenties. In fact, almost as soon as I changed my narrative and began to see things more from his point of view, our relationship became closer.

And I think my connection with my daughter is a testament to the inner work I’ve done to be able to come up with a story of my life that makes sense and brings me clarity and understanding. Do you have a cohesive narrative of your life? Are there experiences you had in childhood that still feel traumatic to think about?

If so, my invitation is to take a closer look at those experiences this week. Now is the time to heal your past and connect even more deeply with your child as a result. It doesn’t matter if your child is an infant or a teenager. You still have time to deepen your connection. And who knows, you might even get a closer relationship with your parents out of the deal.

I hope you’ll share your story with me too and allow this community to support you and help you heal. If not for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve the best version of you that’s humanly possible.

Have a healing, freeing, super connected week, Shelly

Photo by DIONNA RAEDEKE

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12 Easy Ways to Help Kids Unplug

I’ve been reading Dr. Laura Markham’s book, “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” and this week as I read about helping children cooperate, one of her suggestions really stood out. Dr. Laura recommended that if you’re not getting enough connection and cooperation, you might want to try unplugging.

This is not just some thought, idea, or wild theory about how to reconnect with your kids and support their healthy development. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time for children under 2 and limited screen time for kids over two. Their website claims that the average amount of screen time for today’s children is a whopping 7 HOURS per DAY. Whoa. That’s more than half of a typical child’s waking hours in a day!

There is an increasing body of research that shows that excessive screen time can lead to attention problems, social delays, and an increase in violent behavior. But I’d argue that even much smaller amounts of screen time deprives kids of what they most need, our attention.

Interaction with a live human being is clearly what human babies and young children need more than anything else. In fact, babies deprived of human contact die, even if they’re provided with adequate food, clothing, and shelter. Freedom to explore their world in a physical and sensory way is also crucial to healthy development. So, how can we help kids avoid media when screens are so prevalent and so unbelievably addictive?

If you don’t think that screen time is addictive, just try to go a whole day with your smart phone turned off. I bet you’ll reach for it at least 20 times. We check Facebook, phone messages, texts, emails, watch videos and that’s even before the television, movies, or cable comes on. Today’s society is deluged with screens and young children are not immune to the draw.

Lately, almost every morning, my daughter asks her Dad in a super sweet voice, “I was wondering if we could watch videos on the iPad?” This is an activity that they enjoy together, recording and then watching themselves on video. But it’s clearly becoming her go-to activity with Daddy.

Is your child in a similar media rut? Perhaps they’re asking for movies or television on a daily basis, or maybe they want to play computer games. I’m not saying that these activities are bad for kids altogether, but I do think that they should be kept in the “occasional” category, rather than as staples of our daily life.

So how can we help our kids break the habit? Often it’s as simple as offering an alternative and helping them engage in something different long enough to forget about their desire for screen time. Here are 12 ideas to get you started:

1) Model what you want—

If you want them to stay off of media, then you have to do it too. Show them how to live a life of personal real-life connections, instead of web connections.

2) Schedule play dates—

Building in person social connections is hugely important for kids of all ages. Establish a “no screens during play-dates” rule and help the kids come up with ideas for how else they can spend their time together.

3) Offer books, games, puzzles, and other diversions—

And participate WITH your kids if they’re not engaging in these right away. Once they’re absorbed, you’re welcome to return to your own activity.

4) Do an art project—

You could go on a nature hike and collect interesting items, then bring them home and create a collage. Or just bring out the paint! Ask the kids to agree to help clean up the mess too, the clean up might be half the fun!

5) Rough and tumble play—

Physical play is a great way to reconnect and to get out the day’s frustrations in the form of laughter. Remember to let your child be the more powerful one for the most giggles.

6) Gardening—

Getting out into nature, even if it’s just the back yard can be rejuvenating for kids and adults alike. Spend some time outdoors every day. And better yet, plant a food producing plant and enjoy the moments of discovery when flower turns to fruit. Harvesting and eating food they’ve grown themselves is a great way for kids to learn about food production and the life cycle of a plant.

7) Make up a silly song—

Stimulate your child’s creativity by using a familiar tune and making up new silly, rhyming lyrics.

8) Play a brain teasing game—

Riddles, mental puzzles, alliteration games and mysteries are really good for brain plasticity and developing problem solving skills.

9) Read aloud—

No matter how old your kids are, reading aloud can be a wonderful family activity. If you start a chapter book today, I guarantee that in a week or so, your kids will be begging for the daily chapter.

10) Exercise—

Riding bikes, canoeing, running, playing sports, swimming, and skiing can be excellent family activities that will get the whole family outside and physically active. Instilling the habit to move while kids are young can translate to a healthier lifestyle for decades to come.

11) Puppetry and theater—

Do you have a child who seems to need endless attention from you? Set him up with some puppets or assign him the task of writing a play to perform for you and you’ll be amazed at the creative results. Provide costumes, or the means to make their own to add even more depth to the performance. This is a fantastic play date activity.

12) Science experiments—

Head over to your local library and check out a book on science experiments for kids. Look through it yourself and copy a few items that you’d be willing to supervise or that don’t need much adult intervention. Help your kids collect the materials and watch their minds expand as they learn about mass, volume, weather, chemistry and more!

So, hopefully after reading through these initial ideas, you’re brimming with even more ideas of your own! Isn’t it amazing how creative we can be when we take screen time off the table? Hopefully you’re already doing a bunch of these, and if not, I hope you’ll try some. Then, leave a comment to let me know how it’s going. If you’re not feeling more free from technology and MUCH more connected with your kids after these, I’ll be shocked. But even if these particular ideas don’t work for you and your family, I bet you can come up with a few activities that will work great and will keep you all connected to each other, instead of to your various devices.

Have a fabulous week! Warm hugs, Shelly

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50 Ways to Share Your Love on Valentine’s Day and Every Day

I think Valentine’s Day gets a bad rap. My husband calls it a “Hallmark Holiday” but I still love Valentine’s Day because I’m all about the love. This may stem from the fact that I’m solidly a Type 2 in the Enneagram. I’m “The Helper” and based on my personality type, my primary motivation in life is to love and be loved.

If you don’t know about the Enneagram yet, definitely check it out. You will learn a TON about yourself and a lot about your loved ones too. My favorite Enneagram book is “Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery” by Riso and Hudson.

But even if I wasn’t a Type 2, I still think I’d enjoy Valentine’s Day because it’s the perfect excuse to share love and appreciation with everyone! Sure, I spread the love on other days too, but this is a holiday completely dedicated to love. What could be better?

So, whether you like the holiday or not, let’s all take the time to share our love and appreciation with the special people in our lives. Oh, and let’s not forget to also RECEIVE love and appreciation this week as well. Sharing love is a two way street and if we can’t receive as well as giving, then we’re stopping the flow of love.

What might it look like to give and receive some extra love this week? Well, it could take many different forms. If we use The Five Love Languages as a guide, we realize that we can give and receive love in all sorts of ways!

Here are the Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman):

1)   Gifts

2)   Acts of Service

3)   Physical Touch

4)   Quality Time

5)   Words of Affirmation

And here’s a survey you can fill out online to see what your primary love language is.

There are countless ways to show someone you care.

So, here are 50 ways to show your loved ones how much you adore them off the top of my head and in no particular order:

1) A hug

2) A kiss

3) Snuggles

4) Say “I love you”

5) Read to them

6) Give loving eye contact

7) Fix something broken

8) Run an errand

9) Make a homemade card

10) Find a beautiful rock, shell, or feather to give

11) Go for a walk

12) Have a picnic together

13) Act our your love in pantomime

14) Share something you appreciate about them

15) Scrape off an icy windshield

16) Cook their favorite dinner

17) Send flowers

18) Call them

19) Skype them

20) Text them (FB message, IM, Email, etc.)

21) Write a note

22) Send a letter

23) Dance

24) Sing a song of love

25) Let them choose the activity

26) Brag about them to someone else

27) Make a collage for them

28) Hold hands

29) Give a massage

30) Wash their feet

31) Wink

32) Draw them a picture

33)  Make them a basket

34) Crochet or knit a scarf

35) Tell them how they’ve changed your life for the better

36) Blow bubbles

37) Give cash

38) Wash their car

39) Make a “welcome home” banner

40) Record a video

41) Brush their hair

42) Bake a special cake

43) Leave a gift on their doorstep

44) Tell a room full of people how you feel about them

45) Propose marriage

46) Clap extra loud after their performance

47) Introduce them to someone else you love

48) Say, “I adore you.”

49) Tell them about one of your favorite memories with them

50) Ask a question and pay attention to the answer

So, that should get you started, now you can choose something, anything, and do it TODAY to share your heart with the people you love.

And, I would love to continue this list. What would you add to it? Please leave a comment and let’s keep love alive!

Have a “lovely” week 😉

Hugs, Shelly

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Happy International Babywearing Week!

OK, I’ll admit it, I use a stroller sometimes. I’m not very hardcore about baby wearing, I mean I already carried my daughter around inside for nine months, right?! Don’t get me wrong I love wearing my baby SOME of the time. When Julia was littler (she’s two now!) I used slings and the Ergo carrier and it was so nice to be snuggled, heart to heart with my little one and have my hands free. So when I realized it’s International Babywearing Week, I couldn’t help posting something with a few resource links about babywearing. I LOVE Attachment Parenting! 🙂

Here are some links and resources:

 

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Encouraging the Daddy Love: How to manage a strong parental preference for mom and help your child bond with daddy, too

Disclaimer: For the ease of writing this article, I’ll be writing it to moms who are well bonded with their children and who want strategies to help their child or children bond with dad more deeply. Please know that I fully acknowledge that your family could consist of two moms, two dads, or a dad who is more bonded than a mom. I love all configurations of family so please interpret my words as needed to apply to your family. And for all those single parents out there, I’ll write something special for you soon too!

Attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping are all wonderfully nurturing to the bond between mother and child, but sometimes dads feel left out of this bonding time. They can’t breastfeed for one thing, and some dads work outside the home and aren’t able to co-sleep for various reasons. I know many dads who feel sort of silly for even noticing that they feel jealous of the connection between mom and child. Most dads will tell you that they’re not sure whom they’re more jealous of, the child who now gets the attention they used to get from their wife or their wife who is more strongly bonded to the baby or young child.

Sure, everyone says that kids and dads have an easier time connecting when children are a little bit bigger and can rough house with daddy, but why wait? I’d like to offer you a few tips we’ve used at home to encourage the bond between father and daughter. I’ll tell you right up front, most of these tips are about taking a step back and allowing dad to engage more with your baby or child. So, here they are:

1)     Daddy day- whether your husband has a flexible schedule or not, one on one time with your child is the best way to encourage a strong bond. Even working dads can have a weekend date with their child. The key here is to make sure it’s time spent away from you, Mom. Family time is wonderful, but when the preferred parent is hovering nearby ready to swoop in at any moment, children are apt to rely on the stronger bond, rather than forging new ground in their connection with their dad. I would also recommend that dads take their child or children out on an adventure. Being in a new environment can create a shared memory that will be more salient for a child than just sitting around the house or watching a movie together.

2)    Bedtime routine switch-up- Allowing dad to take over the bedtime routine can be another great time for bonding. When children are about to go to bed they’re tired and vulnerable which can actually help bonding happen. If you have been doing bedtime all on your own and your child isn’t ready for an abrupt change to the bedtime routine, you can introduce dad into the routine slowly. First he reads one of the stories, then you leave the room for a moment and come right back. And after a few weeks Dad is either involved in the whole routine or doing the whole thing on his own. By the way, this can be a wonderful break for you if you’re a stay-at-home mom. So, if dad and child are willing, live it up!

3)    Remove yourself, Mom- There might be times throughout the day when opportunities arise for dad and baby to bond, but you tend to swoop in and take over simply because you’re used to doing things a certain way. Resist the urge, Mom! When we notice these moments of connection between our child and husband, it’s our job to nurture and protect those moments, not to interrupt them! Take a breath, and step into another room, allowing their connection to grow in your absence.

4)   Love up your hubby- Children imitate adult behavior, so if your child rarely sees you offering affection to your wonderful husband, he might not even realize that hugs and snuggles with dad can be so much fun. Modeling love and affection for your child helps them to realize that dad is an integral part of your family and great to snuggle with. So spread the love.

5)    Be busy- “Sorry honey, I can’t help you right now, can you ask daddy instead?” Without avoiding your child outright, there really are moments when you’re unavailable for your child and instead of waiting for your help, they can learn to seek support from dad. You can encourage this by reminding and inviting them to seek out dad often throughout the day. Or even asking them leading questions like, “Isn’t there a game that you and Daddy like to play that you could ask for while I’m making dinner? I heard he does a really good ‘this little piggy.’”

I hope these tips are helpful for you, but there’s one last thing. Don’t keep your efforts to help your husband bond with your child a secret from him. If he doesn’t know what you’re up to, he’s apt to feel confused, put upon, or boxed in to your plan. On the other hand, if you can have an open discussion about it, the two of you can create a plan together and your efforts are much more likely to pay off.

If you’re not sure how to start the conversation you might say something like, “I’ve noticed that Jack has been asking for ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy’ lately and I’m curious how you’re feeling about your bond with him. I just read a great article about how to encourage a stronger bond with Daddy. Would you like to take a look and try some of these things out?”

All right! So there you have it, tips to help attachment parenting moms encourage a strong bond with dad. Please let me know if this is an issue at your house and how you handle parental preference by leaving a comment below.

Thanks so much for being here and have a great week!

Warmly, Shelly

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