Creating connection – Page 8

February 22, 2010February 22, 2010

Connected Parenting Key: get curious

curiosity First of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101. You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: https://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you. When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”. “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body. Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right. This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?” This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective. Continue reading “Connected Parenting Key: get curious”

January 27, 2010March 3, 2012

The taking-it-personally vortex

One of my biggest challenges as a parent is trying to find ways not to take it personally when my child blames me for his unhappiness. Sometimes, it’s easier than others. For example, when I hear, “You’re so mean!”, it’s easy for me me to remember that this is all part of the parenting mix. It’s harder when he does things like vigorously reject my home-cooked food.

I don’t know whether “You’re so mean” rolls off my back because I’ve heard it so many times lately (whenever my son doesn’t get what he wants), and thus am getting used to it but somehow, I’ve been able lately to keep a calm heart in the face of “You’re so mean”, and offer up empathy guesses into feelings and needs:

“Ah–are you saying you’re angry because you’re not getting what you want?”

“Yeeahhhh.”

Whew. That I can hang with! And it also helps take the edge off his upset. In fact, whenever I can remember to tune in deeply to my son, and help him feel heard and understood, his anger dissipates, and least a bit.

I think if I could remember each and every time I hear something personal, to tune into the feelings and needs underneath, I’d probably be a lot more peaceful.

As it is, what comes up for me sometimes is, well, taking it personally. And then fighting accordingly. This is especially easy to do when I get called a name. For a period of weeks, when my son was unhappy, he’d shout, “Stink!”, which I think was meant to be a noun, as in, You are a “stink,” an unpleasantly-scented thing…like a piece of poop for example.

Continue reading “The taking-it-personally vortex”

January 20, 2010March 3, 2012

Kids always have a positive intention

I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action. Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention. And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.

Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met. They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.

When we can assume a positive intention and even try to discover what that intention might be, suddenly we can move from feeling angry and exasperated, “Why in the WORLD would she DO that?!” to a state of compassion and understanding. “Oh, I see, she was needing some excitement and stimulation, so she woke up the baby to play with him.”

When we’re aware of the underlying needs behind our children’s seemingly bizarre behavior, we can start to empathize with them and teach them better strategies that will actually get them what they want. But first we have to learn to breathe and take a moment BEFORE we react.

Right now, imagine the most frustrating thing your child has done in the past week or so. Remember how you responded. Now, consider, what might be the positive intention behind your child’s actions? Imagine yourself in a similar situation in the future. Is there a way you could have responded that would have created more connection and understanding between you and your child?

Let’s try the “Assume a positive intention” technique:

You see your child doing something that makes your heart race and your mind jump to all sorts of troubling conclusions. You decide to implement assuming a positive intention behind all actions. First you breathe, then you think, “What could the positive intention behind this action be?,” then you come up with some idea, you check in with your child, “Sweetie, were you really wanting to see what why I won’t let you have food near the computer? Are you needing some more information and understanding about that? Were you enjoying the feeling of the peanut butter on your hands?”

Your child feels heard, understood, and maybe a little bit confused about why you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs yet. Now’s your chance to calmly let your child know how you feel about the strategy he’s chosen. Be sure to use the words “I feel” and then an actual emotion. “I feel worried when I see my computer caked with peanut butter, I’m not sure it will work any more and computers cost a lot of money, so now I might not have a computer any more. I feel sad about that.”

And finally, assuming you’ve kept your cool, your child should be ready for some learning! So now you get to share a new strategy for next time. “What could you do next time instead of putting peanut butter on my computer? Could you ask me about why I don’t allow food near it? Could you ask me for a cracker to smear peanut butter on? What do you think?”

I would love to hear your stories about the wild things your kids have done, how you’ve handled it, and what you think about the idea of assuming a positive intention as a way to practice understanding and compassion with children. Please leave me a comment! Hugs, Shelly

December 23, 2009March 3, 2012

The joys and challenges of spending the holidays with family

Happy holidays everybody! I hope you’re having a lovely time together as a family and I know that when we get extra time together with our immediate families and especially when we spend time with extended family, tensions can run high. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Almost inevitably when we celebrate with our families, there’s someone whose beliefs are different from our own, or there’s a sibling or parent who treats us in just the same way they treated us when we were five or who treats our children in ways we don’t enjoy. The holidays can be a time of joy and celebration, and a time that warrants a lot of introspection, conflict resolution skills, and mediation between family members.

Although we all might intend to have a nice Christmas dinner or a beautiful Solstice celebration or (insert your holiday here), there are times when feelings get hurt, alcohol helps remove inhibitions, and we can suddenly find ourselves or other family members in the midst of conflict. So what can we do when our lovely celebration is about to deteriorate into chaos? Continue reading “The joys and challenges of spending the holidays with family”

November 30, 2009March 3, 2012

Rewind! A simple trick that really works.

Sometimes the best and simplest solutions are the hardest to remember. I’m not sure why that is. Back in the days when Shelly and I lived in the same city and taught classes “real-time,” one of the things we brought up frequently was that in real life, you don’t really get “rewinds,” where you can go back and start over. So we’d replay challenging situations and get to try out new behaviors so we could become comfortable with them.

However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.

The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.

And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened. Why is that?

I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.

This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”

When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go. Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!

Warmly,

Jill