Category: Making conscious choices

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4 Secrets to Mindful Giving During the Holidays

Guest Post by Megan deBoer

As parents, we are often filled with conflicting desires during the holidays: we want to satisfy our children’s wishes, we want to make the holiday magical, we want to create our own family traditions all without causing financial stress and unwelcome credit card bills.  And so we try to plan…

Yet despite our best planning, there can come a moment during the whirlwind and heightened emotions of the holiday season when we find ourselves making impulsive, reactive, and unconscious spending choices.  We can be swept up in the mood, the beautiful display, the “deal!” and the hectic pace of it all.  It is easy to loose our bearings.

I have found that in moments like these I need some grounding.

To ensure that you are making mindful choices, run the following assessment when considering the purchase of a gift.  If the questions cannot be answered on the spot, it is important to pause, put the item on hold, possibly leave the store, and give yourself the time – and space – to come to a decision that feels right.  You haven’t said no yet, you are simply exploring a new process of mindful spending!

Assessing a mindful GIFT

GENEROUS–

Is this gift Generous in spirit?  Thoughtful giving is a true art.  The amount spent does not reflect your generosity by itself.  Young children are easily delighted with something that engages their imagination.   Our adult value scale does not apply.

INTENTION–

What is my Intention in giving this gift?

  • Is this something I always wanted as a child but never received?
  • Am I worried that if my child doesn’t receive X that they could experience disappointment?  Is that uncomfortable for me to imagine?  Will I experience disappointment if I cannot give this to my child?
  • Is it uncomfortable for me to compare my gift to what others will be giving?  To what their friends will receive?  To what I have given in the past?
  • Am I afraid that what I have already gotten won’t be ‘enough’?
  • Will this gift satisfy a long awaited wish for my child?
  • Will this gift inspire my child – who they are right now – and add joy to their life?

FAIR –

Is the cost of this gift Fair to our family’s resources?  Does it fit into my spending plan?  If not, is there a creative way that I can give this gift (or an alternate) responsibly?

TIME —

Will my child have the necessary Time – and space – to enjoy this gift?  Our children are given gifts from many family members – for birthdays and holidays.   It can be overwhelming for them to receive more gifts than they can actually enjoy in their available time.

We can justify most spending – especially to our children – if we craft the right story to tell ourselves.  But giving mindfully means we give generously, with clear intention, in a way that is fair to our resources, and honors the time and space our children must have in order to receive and enjoy the gift.

Our gifts have the amazing ability to become a symbol of our love in tangible form. Sometimes they feed our souls and sometimes our bodies, like the Manly Man edible arrangements a friend of mine received last year. Our gifts can also hold unintended and unconscious messages.  Our unconscious spending does not serve us, or our children, in the way we may hope.

This season, give mindfully and trust that your love is the purest gift – in tangible or intangible form.  Exaggerate the magic, the mystery, and the endurance of love in your celebrations.  Share your own joy abundantly with your children and spouses in the traditions that give meaning to you – this is a gift that your children will pass to your grandchildren, and all the children who will come after them.

May you have a joyous holiday season, mindfully celebrating and sharing all the joy you have in your life!

Megan deBoer is a certified Financial Recovery? Counselor, and mother of two rapidly growing girls.  She supports couples and individuals across the country as they craft a healthy relationship with their money.  Visit TendedWealth.com to find out more.

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Guest Post: Finding Contentment in the Midst of Chaos

Guest Post by Heather Chauvin

I used to believe that parenting was this ‘life sucking’ transition where you no longer can do anything for yourself and only give give give.

That parenting model wasn’t working for me.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I knew something needed to change.

The scariest part of it all was, “how do I change?”

It was about 4 years ago when I was introduced to the concept of ‘mindfulness’. I’m not talking about going to yoga everyday or sitting on a cushion meditating for an hour in the morning. I’m talking about mindfulness as a lifestyle. Becoming aware of HOW my personal beliefs affected my thoughts, actions and my reality.

I was miserable and it was affecting my children (and my marriage).

Happiness. Confidence. Passion. Excitement. Energy. I so badly wanted all of these things, not only for myself but also for my overly anxious child. But how do you get all of these things while raising awesome kids?

How To Change Old Habits And Find Contentment During Chaos

1) Let go.

The mind plays tricks on us and paints unrealistic expectations of what life ‘should’ look like. When we listen to these expectations and we do not meet them, we get overwhelmed, frustrated, angry and sometimes guilt consumes our thoughts. Let it go. Let go of the unrealistic expectation that your house needs to be cleaned, your child need to act a certain way or that you can’t take a nap during the day. Your body needs sleep, take them often!

2) Be curious, not judgmental.

I’m a huge fan of goals but don’t take them too seriously. Life isn’t meant to be planned to ‘perfection’, there is no such thing. Expect the unexpected, always question ‘why’ and don’t settle for the cultural norm.

3) Take action.

Leadership was one of skills I didn’t know I was missing 4 years ago. I was so use to being miserable and expecting someone else to ‘fix’ my problems that I had to recondition myself to take action (if I wanted something to change). You always have a choice. Are you going to take action or wait until things progressively get worse?

4) Breathe.

You have lungs for a reason, use them. Often times our mind starts spinning and we don’t know where to start. Stop what you’re doing. Feel what you’re feeling and breathe through the discomfort.

Parenting is a journey just like anything else. There is no right or wrong. Every child is unique. Every family is different. Trust that you know what you’re doing and keep at it until you find relief and can wake up everyone with a smile on your face

BIO:

Heather Chauvin is a mental health and self-esteem expert who has made it her mission to enhance the lives of women and children through conscious living. Heather has a Bachelor of Social Worker Degree and wide variety of continuing education certification in the mental health and holistic sector. Heather also carries a decade of experience working with many diverse populations locally and abroad. Heather leads dynamic training programs that teach both adults and children to succeed in life and accomplish anything they put their minds to.  Her unique life experience and professional trainings gives Heather a one-of-a kind approach to personal growth and development. You can find her at http://heatherchauvin.com/

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The Santa Conversation

My daughter is two years old and I’ve been fretting about the Santa conversation. I’m clear that I don’t want to lie to her. I remember feeling betrayed and angry when I realized that Santa is mythical. And I’d like to save my daughter from that same break of trust.

On the other hand, I do believe in magic. I love fantasy play and we already talk a lot about dragons, read stories in which animals speak and play imaginary games.

Since she’s just two, we’re just beginning to have conversations about what’s “real” and what’s “imaginary.” Julia will often ask if something is “real or dead” as the distinctions between alive, dead, real, and imaginary are tricky ones. Just last week we had a philosophical discussion about how a doll can’t get hurt because she’s not a “real” baby. But my husband was quick to point out that she is a real doll! It’s all very complex.

We have a lot of extended family here in Bend, OR, so as the holidays approached, I made sure to talk with my husband, parents, and in-laws about my concerns about the Santa story so that we could all get on the same page and create the least confusion for Julia.

We had some interesting conversations to say the least. My wonderful father-in-law reminded me of the mother in the movie “Miracle on 34th Street” who refused to play along with the Santa story, always told her daughter the truth, and also robbed herself and her daughter the experience of believing in magic. Luckily, magic wins out in the end.

I know I’m not THAT mom. But I’m also not the mom who insists that Santa is going to come to our house jump through the chimney and leave extravagant gifts for us. We won’t be leaving milk and cookies out and we don’t even have a chimney. So how can I share the mythical story, the magic, and the wonder, without lying to my child?

I just read Dr. Laura Markham’s response to a similar inquiry and liked what she had to say on the topic. She shared the idea of answering a child’s questions with our own questions. “What do you think?” which I like to do in general. I really love hearing the interesting ideas and connections my daughter comes up with when I ask her open-ended questions like that.

But the part that really resonated with me was talking with children about the spirit of Santa. I have always loved the idea of sharing the story of Saint Nicholas and his generous spirit, and I do see modern day Santa as a reflection of those values.

So yes, we’ll talk about the story of Santa, the myth of Santa Claus, the real person Saint Nicholas who lived a long long time ago. Just like we’ll talk about the birth of Christ, the Maccabees and their oil, and lots of other historical, religious, and didactic stories during this holiday season.

We’ll sing about dreidels and jingle bells and snow. And whatever my daughter’s experience is, at least I’ll know that I’ve chosen what works for me, what feels right in my bones, and I can be certain that I can look her in the eye and say, I hear you, I love you, and I’ll always do my best to tell you the truth.

As for the things she hears from everybody else, ultimately I can’t control that, nor do I want to. A part of being human is realizing that sometimes people lie, sometimes their truths differ from yours, and sometimes believing in magic really is the best thing for all involved.

Have a great week!

Love and hugs, Shelly

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Don’t Say That Do Say This: 20 Things Not To Say To Your Child (And What To Say Instead)

A few weeks ago a friend on my Facebook page asked for a list of things not to say to children so I decided to create one for all of us. This list is not exhaustive and I would love to add to it with your suggestions so please leave a comment if you’d like me to add something!

I would also like to know if you need or want explanations for any of these. Many of them are self explanatory, but if you’d like me to elaborate, I’m happy to add more information about why column B is preferable to column A. And here’s another post I wrote on the topic.

And, if you’d like to read a great book on this topic, try Sarah MacLaughlin’s “What Not To Say: Tools for Talking With Young Children” I was surprised to find some phrases in there that I was still using! OK, so here’s my list…

Don’t Say  Do Say
  Good job, nice results.   You tried really hard!
  What a beautiful picture!   Will you tell me about it?
  You’re so smart.   What else?
  Don’t cry.   It’s OK to cry.
  You statements   I statements
  Are you listening?   Can you please remind me what I said?
  Hurry up.   Let’s go!
  You’re OK, you’re tough.   Are you hurt? Did you feel scared?
  Shut up!   I need some quiet time, please whisper.
  I promise, no matter what.   This is the plan. Sometimes plans change. We’ll go with the flow. And I’ll keep you informed.
  Clean up or else…   Let’s play a cleaning game!
  Spot went to sleep and won’t wake up any more.   Spot died. Everything that lives also dies.
  Baby talk   Proper terminology
  Of course! I’ll drop everything else.   Please wait for me.
  Perhaps, maybe, possibly…   Yes, No, or I need to think about that.
  Don’t use sarcasm with young children   Say what you mean and mean what you say when talking with kids
  Get your shoes. We have to go RIGHT NOW!!!   We’re leaving in five minutes, what else do you need to do? OK, let’s go!
  Why did you do that?   How did you feel about that?
  What’s wrong with you?   How can I help?
  He’s just a mean person.   I wonder what was going on for him.

 

I have a feeling we could add to this list forever, but I think this covers many of the phrases that we might be tempted to use and for which there are clear alternatives. If there’s something you’re still wondering about, please ask! If I don’t know, I’ll find out, and if I do know, I’ll respond asap.

Have a great week. Warmly, Shelly

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Why Are Americans So Freaked Out By Nudity?

I was on Facebook yesterday and I saw this article about a man who is being charged with child pornography because he had videos of his naked children on his phone. He didn’t send them to anyone. From what I read, the content sounded harmless. And the only reason the videos were discovered was because his phone broke and the technician was transferring his photos and videos to his new phone.

I think we’ve taking “protecting children” a bit too far in this case. Yes, sexual abuse of children is a real problem and deserves a swift response. But since when is taking a video of your children dancing naked, considered pornography?

To me, this seems to indicate a real problem we Americans have with nudity in general. Does nudity equate pornography? I think most Europeans would agree with me on this one, the answer is no. Nudity is just that, nudity.

There is nothing lewd or lascivious, obscene or indecent about a naked body. The human body is beautiful, functional, and something to be celebrated. Is the prevailing attitude a vestige of our Puritanical roots?

Interestingly, children aren’t born with the need or desire to cover their bodies. They don’t feel ashamed of their arms, legs, heads, or groins. At least not until they learn that bodies are something to be ashamed of and that hiding our “private parts” is the socially accepted norm.

We’re in the midst of toilet learning at our house and my daughter seems to be more aware of her need to use the potty when she has nothing on from the waist down. And since we’ve always used cloth diapers, I can understand her confusion. When she’s wearing underwear it feels just like a diaper, so she just goes. But if she’s half nude, she runs over to her potty saying “I have pee in my bladder!”

So, I’m introducing underwear slowly and trying to minimize the time she wears it so that she can remember not to go in her underwear. It’s working! She’s able to go longer and longer in her underwear every day and keep them dry.

Luckily, no one in our immediate family has a problem with a two year old running around half clothed. And I do sometimes put her in a dress so that it’s not so obvious that she’s going commando. But this article frightened me. What if my husband takes a photo of my daughter doing something cute and she happens to be pants-less? Will he be arrested for child pornography too?

Certainly we’ve established clear boundaries and guidelines for our whole family and no nude pictures will appear on Facebook or be sent via phone to other family members (although, now that I think of it, I do remember sending my brother a cute bath photo a few weeks ago, oops!).

But with all this new technology that makes taking videos and sending them to friends and family so easy, we’re bound to run into these situations more and more. And I’m curious about how we as a culture will handle it. Will we continue to equate nudity with obscenity? Or can a bare bottom just be cute?

What do you think? And how do you handle these situations in your family?

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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