Making conscious choices – Page 8

September 8, 2010June 20, 2018

Guest Blog: Conscious parenting: A stepparent’s perspective

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This week’s guest blog is from my stepdad Jim:

As a person “of a certain age,” I have to admit to an occasional bit of amusement at Shelly’s parenting tips. Some seem a little odd (as I suppose my ideas about parenting seemed to my parents) and some just seem like old ideas dressed up in new words. But the basic theme of this blog, Conscious Parenting, isn’t a concept I ‘d encountered before and it’s one that has a lot of meaning for me as both a stepparent and a biological one.

I believe that being Shelly’s stepdad helped me be a much better parent when my son came along later. I believe that because, in my experience, becoming a stepparent is a much more conscious decision than becoming a parent the old-fashioned, biological way. It may seem counter-intuitive but think about it.

When you meet someone with a child and decide whether the relationship is worth pursuing, the presence of the kid is a major factor in your decision. And the kid usually isn’t just a cute little, happy paperweight of a baby but a complex, confounding and totally unique individual. The developing relationship isn’t just hugs and kisses; it’s a tricky three-way negotiation of how you will fit into a preexisting family unit. By the time you walk down the aisle you have a pretty good idea of what you’re getting into and you know when you say, “I do” you’re committing to parenting as well as marriage.

Contrast that with the way we become biological parents (and I’m not talking about the mechanics here). We talk about “starting a family” or “having children” but rarely do we ask our spouse or ourselves if we want to become parents. Once we’ve decided to have kids (assuming things work out) we have nine crazy months to plan for the birth, hold showers and decorate the baby’s room. We might even take a “parenting” class but the odds are the class will focus on infants and probably substitute an inanimate doll for the baby.

While we might occasionally lose sleep over the sudden realization that, “OMG, I’m going to be a parent,” we usually get past it without really coming to grips with what that means.

Personally, I didn’t accept the reality of parenting my son until one night when he was a couple of months old and I found myself standing in the parking lot of the local grocery store tossing Pampers (forgive me for I have sinned) into the trunk of my car. As I stood there, staring at the Pampers and wondering, “How the heck did this happen?” I realized I once again had a commitment to make: accept the responsibility to parent my child or run from it (figuratively or literally). I pulled myself together and drove home.

Whether you’re a step, biological, foster, adoptive or some other type of parent, that commitment to parent (rather than just be a parent) is the core of Conscious Parenting. And it’s not a commitment you make once and move on, but one that needs to be continually and consciously renewed as your child grows and changes and offers you the chance to grow and change with her.

Please share your thoughts about your own parenting journey in the comment box below.

And have a good week,

James Cook

Jim is Shelly’s stepfather and a grandparent. When he’s not busy spoiling the kids (or Shelly) he’s running for the Deschutes County Board of Commissioners

James Cook
www.cookfordeschutes.com
cookfordeschutes@gmail.com
facebook.com/cookfordeschutes/

September 1, 2010July 29, 2010

Guest Blog: When we hate our kids

frustrated-parent This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

“Who, me?”

Right. Whoever would have the nerve to admit such a thing? Yet, if we deny our own experience of inner rage or hatred, if we repress it… then guess what? It comes out anyway. And it comes out as the unmistakable (especially to our children), hateful undercurrent of whatever we say or do in that moment. It’s as if we’d told them that we hated them directly, only it’s far more confusing.

Thankfully, there is another way. It’s called compassion. For them? No, not yet. For us. You see, the truth is that we don’t ever really hate our kids. What we are hating is what it’s like to be us in that moment when our children inadvertently step on the inner landmines of our own unfinished business. What I’m referring to by “unfinished business” is all that subconscious material: the old wounds, traumas, and other “little lovelies” that our body/minds never forgot but that hadn’t yet had such a magnificent opportunity to reveal and, with enough consciousness, to free.

Herein again lies the beauty of our children. In being raised with grace, they give us chances every single day to heal what could not have been birthed in any other way. We get to be for our children essentially what nobody was able to be for us. Thereby we heal both generations at once.

It’s a marvel to behold, yet it’s certainly no walk for the timid. It takes great strength and courage to stop perpetuating the incredible emotional and biological momentum from many previous centuries of darkness.

I heard a story once about a Zen master who stops his sword right at the height of its arc, right at the most climactic point of the swing, just one instant before the blade is about to come down and slice through his enemy’s throat. This is exactly what is required of the awake parent. “I am Awake! I will no longer contribute to any kind of suffering!” And believe me, there is no worse kind of suffering than that which comes from causing harm to our children. It is indeed a sword that cuts deep in both directions. Continue reading “Guest Blog: When we hate our kids”

August 18, 2010July 30, 2010

Guest Blog: How to intervene when other adults disrespect your child

eye child This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

I’m happy to be back at AwakeParent.com as a guest blogger today. I wanted to share with you some thoughts on dealing with other adults in your life who interact with your children. As parents striving for greater consciousness, I have found it can sometimes be painful when other adults interact with our precious children in ways that don’t support the experience we’re trying so hard to create.

At times, I have both asked and been asked by other adults to treat a child differently. This hasn’t gone very well! The time I was asked not to interact with a child in the way I wanted to I felt a sense of shame, even though intellectually I agreed with the parent’s boundary. What happened? I touched a child’s hair without permission. Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps, but really, how would I feel if someone I didn’t know reach out and started fondling my tresses, rather than ask? I could see in the parent’s eyes that that was exactly what he was tuned into. I got it; still, I felt small.

I have also not found a way to make such a request of another adult that feels both compassionate and authentic. When I have made such requests, it’s also felt alienating, rather than connecting. It seems no one likes to hear, “Please don’t do that to my child.”

Here’s what I think is going on, and what we can do about it. One, I think a vulnerable part of us comes forth when we connect with a child. I want to treat this part of myself and others with gentleness and compassion, so I want to honor all good faith attempts to connect with children. Two, if I intervene on his behalf, I do my own child a bit of a disservice. I exercise my autonomy instead of allowing him to exercise his. At the same time, I want to intervene if it looks like my child would rather not be experiencing what’s happening.

So, if my son looks uncomfortable though not in danger (or being tickled), or like he’s just tolerating something an adult is doing, I ask him, within the other person’s earshot, and with a lighthearted attitude, “Is that okay with you?” Often he says “no,” and almost always the adult apologizes to him, and does not seem offended. This way, I’m also training my son to check in with himself, and ask “Is this OK with me?”

I think most adults genuinely want to connect with children in mutually consensual ways, but we feel awkward because we so seldom see this kind of behavior modeled for us. I still feel slightly embarrassed sometimes when I do manage to treat my child with complete respect, because it’s not what I’ve seen modeled. However, occasionally someone will say they were touched or moved by how I interacted with my son. Maybe we can all help to awaken in each other our deep yearning for all beings, large and small, to be treated with complete respect.

Back in real life, our beloved friends and relatives may not follow our lead as quickly as we would like—or at all, for that matter—people generally default to what they’re familiar with. However, what I’ve noticed is that the more we can respect and embrace the adults’ loving intentions at the same time as we model respect for our children (by lightheartedly asking the child if what’s happening is OK with them), the less likely we will be to trigger shame in the other adult, and to feel triggered ourselves. I want to remind myself and others that we adults are always doing the best we can with the young people in their lives. I want us all to try to support each other where we are, even as we hold out possibilities for where we might be.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this.

Warmly,

Jill

Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation

August 4, 2010July 30, 2010

Guest Blog: So, Who’s Calling the Shots? And How?

brar01_kazdin This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

I was a kid – a very good kid – who knew what it was like to be raised on a very short leash. For this reason, when I had my own little one, I was more than committed to allowing her the freedom which I had been denied. The trouble was, by the time she’d reached a year and a half, I found myself with a little tyrant running my house. Or should I say her house!

I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh. I cannot imagine what the ‘terrible twos’ will bring, let alone the teenage years, when this is what I’ve got to reckon with now!” That was the moment this insight came to me; a beautiful, timeless insight that remains true to this day (she’s 12 now) and has proved since to be just as extraordinarily effective and beneficial for every other child who as fallen under my care.

I must meet this young person’s energy directly, in equal measure to what is coming at me. Not one ounce more – or I’m the bully and that’s painful to us all – and not one ounce less, or she’s the one running the show, and at 18 months she is not yet qualified to run the show!

If you tune in to your own body as well as to the child’s after having met his or her energy directly and equally, I am certain you will experience the same visceral relief that I do. Whenever the force is met with equal measure, it neutralizes it. The child will actually relax in that neutrality. After all, it’s tough to run the world!

In that moment, the little person will know he or she is safe and that someone else who is wise and capable is now holding down the fort. All is well. And you, too, will relax in your own power-sans-aggression, your own natural place in the universe as the human being in the room with the most life experience. Continue reading “Guest Blog: So, Who’s Calling the Shots? And How?”