Category: Learning

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Learning is NOT Linear: The Ebb and Flow of Learning & Growing, Retreating & Regressing

When I first began studying child development I thought things happened in a pretty linear fashion. First you learn to crawl, then you walk, after that you learn to talk and so on. And if you study information about ages and stages, you can come to the same misinformed conclusion.

But after 20 years of experience with young people, I can tell you for certain, learning is not linear. Children might learn and grow in one area and retreat and regress in another and they can do it all at the very same time. When we forget about the non-linear life experience of learning and growing, we set ourselves up for disappointment and we have unrealistic expectations of our children.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the complete exasperation of staring at your child who could tie her shoes yesterday, but is in a teary puddle on the floor today. Or you’ve seen your toddler go in and out of diapers over the past year. Or maybe you’ve seen your baby feed himself successfully a total of one time.

We tend to get so excited about the developmental milestones that we sometimes forget that there’s an actual person reaching for them. And a person is a hugely complex individual. Lots of factors can impact learning and growth, not the least of which is stress. Unfortunately, children today are experiencing far more chronic stress than our biology has been required to deal with in times past.

I recently read a longitudinal study (I can’t remember exactly where) that showed that when people had grown up in an urban environment, they had more stress hormones in their system as adults when compared with children who grew up in a more rural setting. The conclusion of the study was that the stress of our childhood directly impacts our lifelong release of stress hormones.

Now I’m not trying to give you a guilt trip of you’re raising your kids in an urban environment. There are plenty of benefits to an urban lifestyle. But my point is that children are multidimensional and things like stress can greatly impact learning.

For a child, even a change of routine can be enough to trigger a regression of some kind. And then there are the regressions that seem to come out of nowhere and which we can’t seem to tie to any particular event or experience. The thing is, children are just doing their best to learn and grow in every moment, and sometimes that looks like retreating or regressing into a safer, more familiar experience, like wearing diapers, or baby talk.

OK, so why am I writing about this today? Well, I’ve been working toward night weaning my daughter and it has been a bit of a rocky road. I say working toward because I have been resolving to night wean and then changing my mind for the past month. I know she’s not a fan of the weaning plan and she lets me know that repeatedly and loudly. But I also know that I’ll be a happier mom when I can get a full night’s sleep in bed with my wonderful husband, rather than co-sleeping with my daughter and nursing all night long. And lately it has literally been ALL NIGHT LONG. I’m exhausted.

Meanwhile, my daughter has been learning to read (whoa!) and learning geography at a level I would expect of a six or seven year old. But she still wants to nurse about ten times a day (and all through the night). So, that’s why I needed the reminder that even as a child excels in one area, he might need a little bit of extra time, attention, snuggles and care in some other areas.

And if you think I’m kidding about the geography, here’s a video we recorded to prove her abilities to my brother:

Have you noticed the non-linear nature of learning? How does this show up at your house? I would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Encouraging an Expanding Vocabulary

(This post is dedicated to my dad, Bernard B. Birger for always using big words with me and describing complex concepts in great detail, even when I was only three years old.)

Wow, Julia is absorbing language like a sponge on steroids. The other day I casually mentioned to my husband that a friend of ours is “a bit of a boozer” and we both had to avoid eye contact and stifle our laughter when our eighteen month old daughter repeated the word “boozer” about six times in a row. Oy, I really do have to watch what I say around her!

She is definitely in a sensitive period for language acquisition and it’s not going to stop any time soon. In fact, the sensitive period for language begins before birth and lasts until at least seven years old. So, what can we do to encourage our children to expand their vocabulary in ways that will actually serve them? (Because I’m guessing that knowing the word ‘boozer’ isn’t really critical to her healthy development)

There are LOTS of ways to encourage a large, expanding vocabulary, so here are my top five favorite ways to support a child’s language development. An added benefit is that many of these things also prepare young children for reading! So here they are:

1.     Never underestimate your child’s ability to absorb language. Children will learn the words they are exposed to, whether they’re single syllable words or three and four syllable words. So why not use big words? One of Julia’s favorites right now is “massive.” We often talk about the “massive tree” at the dog park or the “massive whale” in one of her storybooks.

 2.    Read, read, and read some more. Reading books is one of the best ways you can support an expanding vocabulary. But remember number one, above. Even very young children can benefit from being read materials above their ability to fully grasp. Of course, if you lose their interest, then go back to books you know your children enjoy. And if they seem to have little or no interest in books, just look at the pictures together, point out the things you see and ask them questions about the pictures they’re looking at. For example: “Can you find the apple?,” “What animal is that?” “What do you think that silly chicken is doing now?”

 3.    Offer synonyms. Children learn language through exposure and context, so by offering synonyms, you’re helping your child to learn many words with the same meaning. So the tree at the dog park isn’t just massive, it’s huge, enormous, gigantic, and colossal too! But don’t be surprised when your two year old reminds you that evergreen trees are ‘coniferous’ and they don’t lose their leaves (or needles) in autumn.

 4.   Rhyme, Sing and Alliterate. Young people (and adults) love to sing, rhyme, and alliterate, probably because they’re such effective learning and problem solving tools. One of the great things about this one is that you can play these kinds of games absolutely anywhere! We especially like to sing and rhyme in the car. It keeps us occupied while we’re stuck in traffic, and it’s just plain fun! (OK, the truth is, we’re never stuck in traffic because we live in Bend, OR, but maybe YOU get stuck in traffic sometimes, so try singing, rhyming, and alliterating the next time you’re stuck in the car) Oh and one more thing, coming up with words that begin with the same letter or rhymes with the same number of syllables as a previous stanza are also good memory games for adults. Let’s keep those neurons firing, people!

 5.    Offer definitions. As children begin to get a solid grasp of language they start to get curious about some of the nuances therein. For instance, a friend of mine recently told me that her two and a half year old son asked her “What means ‘life,’ Mama?” Defining words can be a challenge because we probably have not even considered the definitions of many of the words we use every day. But I think it’s worthwhile to give it a try and if you really can’t come up with anything, then do what my mom always told me to do, go look it up!

I’m sure you’re already doing many of these things with your kids, but I thought that by listing them, I might remind you to do them more frequently and more intentionally. Our time with our young children is going by so quickly that before we know it they’ll be applying to college (it really feels that way, doesn’t it?!) So this week, pay special attention to supporting your child to build a stellar vocabulary that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

And have a super, fantastic, wonderful, lovely, superb, and joyful week.

Love, Shelly

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New Parent Social Isolation

Wow, I feel like I’ve recently emerged from a long winter’s sleep. My daughter is now 15 months old and suddenly in the past month or two I’ve realized how utterly socially isolated and disconnected I’ve been. I’ve barely talked to my dearest friends, I haven’t been out of the house much at all, and I definitely haven’t been outside of my comfort zone.

And I think all of that is perfectly OK and natural for a new parent. It’s a lot of hard work to nurture an infant and it felt perfectly right for me to throw myself into motherhood so fully and completely. But now that I’m emerging from the haze of my daughter’s infancy I’m reminded that it’s my commitment to my highest values that will most positively impact her life.

So, if I value authentic relating and community, then I’d better step up and start acting like it again! After I gave birth to my daughter I was amazed at how little anything else mattered any more. It was like everything that had mattered the most in my life was reduced to a tiny sliver of importance and my daughter took up 99.9% of everything that mattered to me. I can feel that shifting now.

Sure, my family is HUGELY important to me. And nurturing and supporting my husband and daughter are some of the things that matter most. But there’s a new space opening up in me that still cares about the things that mattered BEFORE parenthood. Community. Authenticity. Honesty. Facing my fears bravely. Showing up BIG in my life. Fiercely supporting my clients to make big changes in their lives.

I’ve been gone for a while. I’ve been doing what I’ve needed to do to lay a strong foundation of love and trust between my child and me. But I’m ready to step out of my comfortable little nest and make an even bigger difference in the world. It’s important to me that I continue to learn, grow, and stretch. Because reaching out and challenging myself gives me a sense of purpose and joy. I also deeply want my daughter to live a passionate and inspired life. And I know that the best way to ensure that is to model it for her, myself.

So, fair warning, I’m about to bust out and share even more of myself with you and with the world. Goodbye ‘New Parent Social Isolation’ and Hello World!

I would love to know if this was your experience of the first year of your child’s life. Did you hibernate? And was there a time when you suddenly felt ready to re-engage socially? I want to hear your story!

Tons of love, Shelly

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A new take on discipline

What do you think of when you hear the word “discipline”?  When most people think about parenting and discipline they probably think of punitive discipline like time out, yelling, spanking, or taking away privileges.

I don’t want my daughter to be afraid of me or of the punishment I might hand down.  So I’ve chosen the most peaceful parenting I can possibly muster.  But if punitive discipline is out, does that mean I’m a total softie and my kids walk all over me?  Definitely not.

In fact, setting clear and consistent boundaries is one of the best ways to help your child feel secure.  In the Montessori schools in which I worked, we practiced a logical or natural consequences approach to setting boundaries with kids.  And it really worked!  Children understood why we did things a certain way and they were usually happy to cooperate.

Somehow setting boundaries was easier when it was my job to be completely respectful of the child.  Now that I think about it, it was much easier not to swear when I was a preschool teacher and my job was on the line.   But now that I’m a parent, I slip up sometimes.  It’s a much different challenge to be respectful of a child 24 hours a day than it is for six or eight hours a day five times a week.

Today I’d like to explore a different kind of discipline, the kind of discipline that allows us to complete a difficult task or to master a new skill.  Lately I’ve been thinking that by developing interests and practicing one or several disciplines myself as well as encouraging my child to do the same, the need for any other kind of discipline could simply melt away.  Maybe I’m crazy and my daughter just hasn’t hit her “difficult” period yet, but this sure seems to be working for us so far.

By encouraging her to develop her own interests and explore them independently, my relationship with my daughter becomes more about facilitating and supporting her desires, rather than circumventing them or redirecting her.  Oh, trust me, there are plenty of opportunities to redirect her.  But the more I’m able to just go with her flow and allow her to explore what she’s interested in, the more confident she becomes and the more she enjoys learning.

We’re setting up a positive loop.  She seeks out something interesting and explores it, she enjoys what she learns and then she seeks out something new and interesting again.  And we’re also building our connection because she understands that I deeply care about her and want her to explore her interests and fulfill her purpose in life.  So really, she’s developing self-discipline!

That way, in the times when I do need to set a firm boundary for safety or for some other reason, she knows that I’m not just trying to punish her.  I’m actually making choices based on what will give her the most freedom she can safely have.

So what do you think?  Can we reduce the need for “discipline” by supporting our children to develop their interests and practice self-discipline?  I would love to hear your take on my idea.  Please leave me a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

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