Setting kids up for success – Page 4

September 28, 2011March 7, 2012

A new take on discipline

What do you think of when you hear the word “discipline”? When most people think about parenting and discipline they probably think of punitive discipline like time out, yelling, spanking, or taking away privileges.

I don’t want my daughter to be afraid of me or of the punishment I might hand down. So I’ve chosen the most peaceful parenting I can possibly muster. But if punitive discipline is out, does that mean I’m a total softie and my kids walk all over me? Definitely not.

In fact, setting clear and consistent boundaries is one of the best ways to help your child feel secure. In the Montessori schools in which I worked, we practiced a logical or natural consequences approach to setting boundaries with kids. And it really worked! Children understood why we did things a certain way and they were usually happy to cooperate.

Somehow setting boundaries was easier when it was my job to be completely respectful of the child. Now that I think about it, it was much easier not to swear when I was a preschool teacher and my job was on the line. But now that I’m a parent, I slip up sometimes. It’s a much different challenge to be respectful of a child 24 hours a day than it is for six or eight hours a day five times a week.

Today I’d like to explore a different kind of discipline, the kind of discipline that allows us to complete a difficult task or to master a new skill. Lately I’ve been thinking that by developing interests and practicing one or several disciplines myself as well as encouraging my child to do the same, the need for any other kind of discipline could simply melt away. Maybe I’m crazy and my daughter just hasn’t hit her “difficult” period yet, but this sure seems to be working for us so far.

By encouraging her to develop her own interests and explore them independently, my relationship with my daughter becomes more about facilitating and supporting her desires, rather than circumventing them or redirecting her. Oh, trust me, there are plenty of opportunities to redirect her. But the more I’m able to just go with her flow and allow her to explore what she’s interested in, the more confident she becomes and the more she enjoys learning.

We’re setting up a positive loop. She seeks out something interesting and explores it, she enjoys what she learns and then she seeks out something new and interesting again. And we’re also building our connection because she understands that I deeply care about her and want her to explore her interests and fulfill her purpose in life. So really, she’s developing self-discipline!

That way, in the times when I do need to set a firm boundary for safety or for some other reason, she knows that I’m not just trying to punish her. I’m actually making choices based on what will give her the most freedom she can safely have.

So what do you think? Can we reduce the need for “discipline” by supporting our children to develop their interests and practice self-discipline? I would love to hear your take on my idea. Please leave me a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

August 10, 2011March 8, 2012

Is Big picking on Little?

Siblings. They can play well together, enjoy one another, and be super sweet to each other, and then in an instant the tables can turn. Suddenly you’re rushing to the aid of one child, admonishing the other, and feeling frazzled and confused about what really happened.

A LOT can happen in an instant, and it’s unrealistic to think that you can be there in every moment. So, what can you do to foster a healthy sibling relationship and what is the appropriate response when things go haywire?

If your kids are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship the very first thing to do is to consider the big picture. What is the overall feeling between them? Does your younger child feel afraid of your older child? Does your older child seem to feel jealous of attention the younger child receives?

Once you’ve identified the overall tenor of the relationship, from your perspective, consider talking to your kids about their friendship. Ask them how THEY feel their sibling treats them. Really take their feedback into your overall image of what’s really going on.

Next, consider the past week or two. Can you identify the specific triggers to the behavior you don’t want? For instance, have you noticed that every time you’re reading a story to your younger child, your older child runs up and hits him? Or does your younger child tend to invade your older child’s space resulting in a conflict?

As you think about the conflicts of the past week or month, be sure to consider all sides. Avoid the temptation to blame all conflicts on the older child, just because she’s older. Sometimes, the behavior of a younger child can be the triggering event too. And, any time you find yourself thinking that one child is the culprit and the other is a completely innocent bystander, stop yourself.

Most often there’s a dynamic between the two (or three) that needs to shift and if your beloved child feels that you’re taking sides against her, she may feel hurt and betrayed. Instead, try to empathize with both parties.

Now that you’ve identified some specific triggers to behavior that doesn’t work for you, you’re well on your way to fostering a kind and caring relationship between siblings.

So, if you’re clear about what the triggers are you have a few choices.

You can: 1) Prevent and avoid the trigger altogether by

a) identifying and addressing the unmet needs of the aggressor or

b) letting go of unrealistic expectations and creating a more doable scenario

2) Offer an alternative to the negative behavior that is even more fun

3) Be a safe haven for a frustrated or fearful child

Here’s an example. Let’s say Ben is hitting his little sister Sally, whenever she comes near his action figures. You can prevent the conflict by realizing that when Ben plays with his action figures he’s needing space and safety, he wants to know that his sister isn’t going to mess up his game, so you can invite him to play in his room with the door closed, or give him a rug to indicate his play space and then help his sister respect his space.

If Sally isn’t able to respect his space when he’s in the shared living space, then putting a closed door between them is a great way to help her. Or, you could invite Ben to play at the kitchen table where Sally can’t reach his toys. Alternatively, you can invite both kids to dance and sing with you in the living room instead of playing with action figures, or maybe they’d like to play a dress up game and put on a play for you.

And lastly, if Ben knows that he can come to you when Sally interrupts his game, and you’ll actually help him figure out a way to continue his independent play, he’s more likely to call out to you or come and get you, rather than hitting Sally. One the other hand, if he knows he’ll get the half baked response, “Why don’t you just let your sister play?” then he feels he’s on his own and has to do whatever it takes to protect his game.

I’d better wrap this up for today, but I would love to hear about what’s happening for you and what works or doesn’t work at your house!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

July 27, 2011March 8, 2012

Sleep more, learn more

Wow, this week has been all about sleep research. I’ve been reading “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson & Ashley Marryman and whoa, the new sleep research is startling! I also watched a Nova special on sleep, and then last night my husband and I watched an episode of Star Trek Next Generation where the whole crew suffers from sleep deprivation due to lack of REM sleep.

It’s all pretty interesting stuff, so here’s what I’ve learned so far…

1) We dream in all stages of sleep, not just REM sleep and scientists think that REM sleep dreams are specifically designed as practice to help us figure out how to handle emotionally difficult situations.

2) Children today get an hour less sleep per night than children did just 30 years ago.

3) Just 15 min. of extra sleep at night has been shown to give kids higher cognitive functioning, better test scores and better grades in school.

4) A LOT of the symptoms of both ADHD and clinical depression are identical to symptoms of long-term sleep deprivation.

5) A lack of sleep causes chemical changes in the body that may be the underlying cause of the obesity epidemic here in the US.

6) Sleep is crucial to learning and if allowed to sleep in between lessons, subjects show marked improvements in newly learned skills.

7) While adults only spend 4% of sleep in the slow wave stage of sleep, Children spend almost 40% of their sleep there.

Clearly, there’s a LOT going on regarding sleep and the optimal functioning of our amazing brain. From our own experiences we know that sleep is crucial to learning. Haven’t you ever learned something new and then gone to sleep and dreamed about it all night long? Well, the research bears out this intuitive knowledge that sleep is crucial to learning.

So, why are kids getting less sleep? Well, I have some theories. First, screen time and bright lights at night have been shown to disrupt our circadian rhythms, so kids are having a harder time falling asleep because they’ve recently been exposed to bright lights or screens. And then there’s the fact that so many working parents are working such long hours that they barely get to see their kids in the evening. So parents are keeping their kids up later so that they can have some time together during the week. And children don’t seem to be complaining. Obviously they will try to stay up as late as we will let them, not realizing the long-term consequences of sleep deprivation.

So, as conscious, aware parents, we have got to put our children’s long-term health and well-being above our momentary desire for fifteen more minutes with them at the end of a long day. Now that we have this new, proven knowledge of the importance of sleep, it’s our job to take action.

We need to reclaim the “lost hour” and boy will we be glad when we have. After taking a good hard look at the research, I’m convinced that by putting sleep first, we’ll all end up with happier, more focused, higher functioning, and better adjusted kids. And what could possibly be more important than that?

Have a restful week, Shelly

July 6, 2011July 6, 2011

Make your life easier, give kids their own drawer

When our daughter started to crawl we did what most parents do, we dashed around the house “baby proofing” everything in sight. We moved dangerous things up or to cabinets that could be locked or secured. I installed latches on cabinets containing cleaning products. But as I looked around our home and imagined putting latches on every cabinet and drawer in the house, I got overwhelmed.

And then it hit me; maybe I didn’t actually have to install all those latches! Of course, I realize that I might need to add a few as my daughter grows and gets into things more, but I came up with a solution that is working well and has caused the least work for everyone. I gave my daughter her very own drawer.

As soon as she opened the bottom drawer in the kitchen for the very first time, I grabbed a bag, threw its original contents inside, and then tossed a few of her toys in the drawer. I included some kitchen items like a metal spoon, a set of measuring spoons, and a plastic cup. And voila! She took to it like a bee to honey.

Now, whenever I’m cooking or we’re hanging out in the kitchen, she crawls right over, opens up her drawer and plays with her “kitchen toys.” She hardly even seems to notice that there are other cabinets and drawers nearby!

But I didn’t stop there, I gave her a drawer in the master bathroom and she occupies herself masterfully while my husband and I take our morning showers.

We have also designated the bottom two shelves of the living room bookcase to the little one, and in true Montessori form, I leave new and exciting toys on those shelves to encourage her exploration. She even has two shelves in my office that will have her “work” on them for years to come.

Sure, we also have a basket of toys in the kitchen, living room, and her bedroom too. But she seems to enjoy her drawers even more, and I don’t have to look at the stuff inside when she’s finished, I just close the drawer! Of course, the next step will be to teach her to close the drawers herself. And after that, we’ll begin putting toys into the drawer and closing it when we’re about to leave the room.

If you have an older child who doesn’t yet have any designated kid’s activity areas in the common rooms, I highly recommend you clear some space for your younger family members. Then, stock their shelves and drawers with interesting activities that you’ll rotate when they lose their appeal. And if you also provide a rug and/or a child sized desk or table that they can work at, you’ll be helping your child set up great work habits and helping yourself get some peace and quiet. Because, when kids know where to look for an activity that they can explore on their own, they’ll go back to it again and again, and you’ll actually get some adult work done!

I would love to hear about your own solutions to support your child’s freedom and independence at home. Please leave me a comment!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

June 15, 2011October 7, 2012

Calling all drama queens and comedians

School is out for the summer, which is great fun for the kids and a bunch of extra work and shuffling for you. It’s challenging to make the transition from having the kids in school all day to having them home, or finding enough activities to keep them busy and engaged.

Some children really thrive on a slow paced, relaxed, summer schedule. But other kids go a little bonkers when you take away the social outlet of school. If you’ve got a drama queen or a comedian on your hands, consider sending them to an acting camp.

Through my work with young people I’ve found that lots of kids who seem to be “acting out” or are “too wild” just need an appropriate outlet for their energy and enthusiasm about life. They need an activity that is both intellectually and physically challenging, so that they’re engaging many different parts of their brain. Acting camp could be just the thing these kids are craving.

During an acting camp, kids get to play fun games that teach them the basics of improvisation and acting. With those tools in their back pockets, many young people can redirect their “wild” energy into comedy improv, or putting on a production either by themselves, with friends or siblings, or with a church group or neighborhood group.

And, as their skills develop, you’ll enjoy their antics more and more, and they’ll get the positive attention they’re really craving. It’s really a win-win.

But if acting camp isn’t available in your area or doesn’t fit into your budget well, the internet is filled with information about super fun comedy improv games you can play with your family without any special training.

One of my favorite sites for that kind of information is Improv 4 Kids

Here are a few fun improv games off the top of my head:

1) Yes And- Go around the circle and create something fun like the most fun amusement park, the best sandwich, the ideal playground, or the coolest new invention. Each person adds an idea and then the next person exclaims, “YES!! And…” and adds another dimension to the vision.

2) Making up a silly song- This is easiest with a familiar tune and a list of words that rhyme. You might want to start off with Raffi’s “Down by the Bay” and then branch out when the kids have the hang of it.

3) Using props in interesting ways- Get some stuff from the kitchen and around the house and put it into a box. Set an egg timer and then let your child reach into the box, grab something and pretend it’s something else. Robin Williams is particularly good at this game!

So, I hope you’ll check out all the possibilities in your area for acting and improv classes for kids. Who knows, maybe you’ll spark a life long love of theatre! As always I would love to hear your thoughts and stories. Please leave me a comment! And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Oh, and I was interviewed in Inspired Lady Radio on Monday. If you’d like to listen to the show which features me and Lori Petro, go to BlogTalkRadio “Thanks, but this is my child“.