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The art of conscious ignoring

Photo by Juliet Cook

I’ve talked a lot here about giving kids attention but I haven’t yet shared about the art of  conscious ignoring.  Well, I really do think there’s a time and place for everything and ignoring your kids can sometimes be the best choice in a given moment.

For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead.  By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.

Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention.  So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.

Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out.  What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to.   My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better. Continue reading “The art of conscious ignoring”

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“Have to?” Are you sure about that?

I’m gearing up for a five-day retreat in which I’ll study Nonviolent Communication Mediation intensively. As many of you know, I work as a mediator and Shelly and I use the insights of Nonviolent Communication, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, in our work here at Awake Parent.

One of my favorite insights, or, “reframes,” as my girlfriend likes to call it, is taking the phrase “I have to…” and rephrasing it as, “I choose to…because I want…” So, for example, “I have to go to this stupid job I hate,” might become something like, “I choose to keep this job because the salary affords me things I want and need, like health insurance, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing I have reliable income.” Continue reading ““Have to?” Are you sure about that?”

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The upside of anger

OK, I’ll admit it, I haven’t seen the movie, The Upside of Anger, but I have experienced the benefits of anger for myself.  I know it sounds strange, but hear me out.

As a young child I was terrified of anger.  I was pretty much convinced that anger was the exact opposite of love and I did whatever I could to avoid the wrath of my parents.  My theory about anger was proven right when I saw my parents who were often angry at each other eventually stop loving each other and divorce.  So I resolved never to induce anger in others and also never to express it.  You see, I’m all about the love and since anger was the opposite of love it had to go.

Everything seemed to go smoothly as I grew up, I focused on the positive, shoved my anger down and put on a happy face.  And people seemed to like it.  I was pleasant to be around, made friends easily, and got lots and lots of positive feedback.

Fast-forward twenty years…  Continue reading “The upside of anger”

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Appreciating the parent you are…

I want to appreciate you, just for being the parent you are.

Will you join me?

Would you please take a moment…even a fraction of a
second…right now…and appreciate yourself as a parent?

Seriously.

How often do we take time–even a nanosecond–to appreciate not what we’re doing, but simply that we are being the grown-up in this little person or these little people’s lives?

Just the fact of our existence and presence means they get to have a sense of themselves in the world as someone important, someone loved, someone special.

We are that gift!

No matter what human frailties we have exhibited, what things we’ve said or done that weren’t as we wished…we are here. And they are right where they are because we brought them into our lives.

So I say to you today: Well done, parents!

And if we do want to take it a step further…

Let’s appreciate our inherently human qualities…those things that mean the world to little ones (even though they may not realize it).

The warmth of our hugs…

The shine in our eyes when we watch them…

The glow of our smile…

Just as we appreciate the young people in our lives, just for being them…let’s take a moment to appreciate ourselves–just for being us–and what an amazing impact we have–just by being ourselves–on the lives of the young ones we care for.

Thank you, all parents, from the bottom of my heart, for showing up in whatever ways you can. It means the world to your children.

I know I can forget to appreciate myself…when I do, like right now, I realize, Wow, I am, after all, enough. Maybe even more than enough. 🙂

How do you feel when you take the time to appreciate yourself? Please tell me in the space below.

Warmly,

Jill

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Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!

Photo by Suzette Hibble

The other day I was chatting with a friend and she was complaining that whenever she sees her niece all she remembers from the experience is lack of cooperation and a seeming mantra of “No! No! No!”  Her sister follows her niece around asking questions like “how about this?” or “what about that?”  And the constant refrain is, “no, no, no.”

Wow, can I relate.  I do not enjoy hearing “no” so in my work with kids I’ve learned some great strategies to avoid and get around the “no.”  And then at other times, I’ve chosen to accept the no by tuning in to the yes behind the no.  If you think about it, there’s always something we’re saying yes to, and often it’s related to the thing we’re saying no to.  For instance, when I say no to a candy bar, I’m saying yes to my health and well-being.

On the other side of the spectrum I just visited some friends who do their best to say yes as much as possible and refuse to even use the word “no” with their son.  I think that’s a fantastic practice since “yes!” often produces much more connection and excitement than “no.”  How can you translate your no’s into yeses this week?

When I remember that kids are constantly trying to figure out the rules of life, the boundaries of those around them, and their own sense of autonomy and power I can understand why they would start using a powerful “no” just about as soon as they turn 2 years old.  By remembering what kids are up to developmentally, I’m able to connect with those underlying needs, and I immediately have more compassion for the little one crying “NO!” with all her might.

So let’s start with what to do when you have the most capacity for compassion and we’ll move toward situations that are more challenging.  Continue reading “Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!”

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