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I’m Not Pregnant Anymore

Ouch. We’ve had a miscarriage. Our baby died. And even though I know that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, that doesn’t make this any easier. If you’re squeamish or don’t want to read the details of my experience, read no further. I’m about to share exactly what happened from my perspective.

I thought I was at the end of the first trimester, so when the nausea went away at 13 weeks, I just thought it was because I was transitioning into the second trimester. But then I had a tiny bit of spotting. At that point, I got worried.

That night I had one of the most vivid dreams of my life. In my dream, I went to the bathroom and a tiny dead baby came out. I held it in my left hand. It was in the fetal position, about two inches long and I stood, staring at it and thinking, “Oh my God, my baby is dead.” When I woke up, I was SO RELIEVED. “It was only a dream! Oh my goodness, everything’s OK, it was just a dream.”

Unfortunately for us, it wasn’t just a dream.

But we didn’t know that yet.

We decided that with so little bleeding we’d wait to get an ultrasound and just check for a heartbeat. But there wasn’t a heartbeat. Then again, it’s the first trimester and lots of people can’t hear a heartbeat with the doppler but still have a healthy baby. So we decided to try to hear the heartbeat again in a couple of days. But there was no heartbeat again.

At this point I was a bit more worried, but I knew that it didn’t make sense to freak out yet, since we didn’t have all the information. My midwife mentioned something about making sure the dates were right and in retrospect I think I was probably measuring small. I should have been 13 weeks pregnant. But last week I said to my mom, “I don’t think I’m growing.” As it turns out, I was right.

On a Friday morning my husband and I went in for the ultrasound. We were hopeful and in good spirits. He was joking around as usual and helping me release my tension through laughter. We saw the baby on the screen. But it wasn’t moving. Kevin said, “That looks like a baby!” And I said, “And it’s not moving. I wish it would move.”

The technician did a close up of the baby and I knew there should be a heartbeat visible, but I just kept hoping that I had missed something. And then the technician had to break the news to us. I felt so bad for her. She pointed to the baby’s heart and said, “See right here? This is where we should see a heart beating. But there’s no heartbeat.”

I immediately started crying.

I’m crying again writing this. It was a devastating moment. Our baby had died. The technician was clearly unsure how to help. She ran out of the room and called my midwife.

It turns out, they think our baby died at 10 weeks 3 days gestation. That’s just three days after we heard a healthy heartbeat and announced our pregnancy to the whole wide world. I purposely waited to tell everyone until I thought we were safe from miscarriage, but I guess we were the unlucky 2% of people who hear a healthy heartbeat and still lose the pregnancy.

My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a second or third trimester baby or a child. I cannot even imagine the pain of that. It’s really so much easier that we lost our baby so early. But it still totally and completely sucks.

When we got home from the ultrasound we had to tell my mother in law, who was shocked and our 2 ½ year old daughter who seemed bewildered by all of our tears.

Since I should have been at 13 weeks 3 days, my body was clearly not getting the message that the pregnancy was no longer viable. I called my OB to find out what to do next. She prescribed some medication and we sent Julia to her grandparent’s house for the day.

After about 6 hours the medication took effect. The first thing that came out was the entire amniotic sac, completely intact. It was the size of a small grapefruit. I put it into a bowl because I was horrified by the thought of flushing it down the toilet.

I had been warned not to look at my baby. You can never erase the images you’ve seen. But I felt I needed to see it. I wanted to know for sure that it was dead. I wanted to see how far it had developed. And besides, I had already had that incredibly vivid dream. I was pretty sure nothing would be more disturbing that what I had seen in my dream.

I cut open the amniotic sac and looked at the tiny baby inside. It was so small, just about an inch and a half long. It wasn’t moving. Its eyes weren’t completely developed. It’s little arms and legs were so tiny and it just had buds where the fingers and toes were starting to grow. It was less developed than the baby in my dream. It all became so very real in that moment.

I wrapped our baby in some cheesecloth, went outside and buried it in the back yard.

I’m sure it must be illegal, but my OB didn’t give me any instructions about how to dispose of the tissue. So I did what my heart told me to do. And I wondered what other women do and whether they were curious if they’d broken some law about proper disposal of human tissue. But the truth is, even if I’d known the proper legal procedure, I still would have done the same thing.

And then I sat on my daughter’s potty in the middle of the living room floor and watched movies with my husband until the worst of the bleeding was over.

Kevin told Julia that the baby had died and later when I asked her if she knew why we were feeling sad she replied, “The baby died. Now it can’t nurse.” She has mentioned the baby several times since and is asking questions about death and dying.

A couple of nights ago, just before she drifted off to sleep she whispered, “Mama, how did the baby die?” I was surprised by her question since lately she’s been asking, “why” a lot. I took a deep breath and answered her as honestly as I possibly could, “The baby’s heart stopped beating. When people die, their heart stops beating.”

She does seem a little bit concerned that she could die too, and the hard truth is, she could. We all could. Life is fragile. But I remind her that her heart is beating strong and she’s a healthy kid. Death is a difficult concept to understand at her age. And I’m sorry that it has hit so close to home already.

Even in the midst of my sorrow it’s difficult to stay sad for very long. Julia is such a vibrant and energetic little being. She is such an incredible gift and a blessing. I know how lucky I am to have her.

And the outpouring of love and support I’m experiencing is incredibly heart warming. I keep getting messages from dear friends who I haven’t talked to lately. And Facebook messages and little notes, cards, and emails. I was gifted with three bouquets of flowers. And yesterday a friend stopped by my office on her birthday just to give me a hug. I don’t mean to brag, I’m just saying that even as this difficult event is occurring in my life, I’m pretty sure that

I’m still the luckiest person I know.

In a way, I feel like I’ve been admitted entry into some sort of club, the “childbearing women who’ve experienced a loss” club. And there are lots of us. I definitely know that I’m not alone. And I know that I can handle this and I do feel connected to all the women who’ve gone through this before. And again, I know I’m one of the lucky ones.

I’m young enough and healthy enough to try to get pregnant again. I have a wonderful, loving, supportive husband who adores me and is the best dad ever. My daughter completely blows my mind on a daily basis. I have an incredible family and extended family support system and a freaking amazing group of friends.

So the only real bummer is that I’m not pregnant anymore and that I have to tell everyone. People don’t know what to do or say, and that’s OK. There’s really nothing anyone can do except offer love and support. I’m a little worried about going through the first trimester all over again (morning sickness was brutal this time), but who knows, maybe it’ll be easier next time. Our plans for a winter baby are dashed, at least for this winter.

Maybe I’ll go get that tattoo I’ve been thinking about. And I’ll stain my front porch. And hooray! Now I change the cat litter again 😉 We can turn the hot tub back up to 102. I can drink a beer. But somehow none of that is much consolation. I think I’ll just keep enjoying my husband, my daughter, and connecting with friends and family. For me, it’s the connections that make life wonderful.

Thanks for being here and listening to my story. Warm hugs, Shelly

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12 Easy Ways to Help Kids Unplug

I’ve been reading Dr. Laura Markham’s book, “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” and this week as I read about helping children cooperate, one of her suggestions really stood out. Dr. Laura recommended that if you’re not getting enough connection and cooperation, you might want to try unplugging.

This is not just some thought, idea, or wild theory about how to reconnect with your kids and support their healthy development. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time for children under 2 and limited screen time for kids over two. Their website claims that the average amount of screen time for today’s children is a whopping 7 HOURS per DAY. Whoa. That’s more than half of a typical child’s waking hours in a day!

There is an increasing body of research that shows that excessive screen time can lead to attention problems, social delays, and an increase in violent behavior. But I’d argue that even much smaller amounts of screen time deprives kids of what they most need, our attention.

Interaction with a live human being is clearly what human babies and young children need more than anything else. In fact, babies deprived of human contact die, even if they’re provided with adequate food, clothing, and shelter. Freedom to explore their world in a physical and sensory way is also crucial to healthy development. So, how can we help kids avoid media when screens are so prevalent and so unbelievably addictive?

If you don’t think that screen time is addictive, just try to go a whole day with your smart phone turned off. I bet you’ll reach for it at least 20 times. We check Facebook, phone messages, texts, emails, watch videos and that’s even before the television, movies, or cable comes on. Today’s society is deluged with screens and young children are not immune to the draw.

Lately, almost every morning, my daughter asks her Dad in a super sweet voice, “I was wondering if we could watch videos on the iPad?” This is an activity that they enjoy together, recording and then watching themselves on video. But it’s clearly becoming her go-to activity with Daddy.

Is your child in a similar media rut? Perhaps they’re asking for movies or television on a daily basis, or maybe they want to play computer games. I’m not saying that these activities are bad for kids altogether, but I do think that they should be kept in the “occasional” category, rather than as staples of our daily life.

So how can we help our kids break the habit? Often it’s as simple as offering an alternative and helping them engage in something different long enough to forget about their desire for screen time. Here are 12 ideas to get you started:

1) Model what you want—

If you want them to stay off of media, then you have to do it too. Show them how to live a life of personal real-life connections, instead of web connections.

2) Schedule play dates—

Building in person social connections is hugely important for kids of all ages. Establish a “no screens during play-dates” rule and help the kids come up with ideas for how else they can spend their time together.

3) Offer books, games, puzzles, and other diversions—

And participate WITH your kids if they’re not engaging in these right away. Once they’re absorbed, you’re welcome to return to your own activity.

4) Do an art project—

You could go on a nature hike and collect interesting items, then bring them home and create a collage. Or just bring out the paint! Ask the kids to agree to help clean up the mess too, the clean up might be half the fun!

5) Rough and tumble play—

Physical play is a great way to reconnect and to get out the day’s frustrations in the form of laughter. Remember to let your child be the more powerful one for the most giggles.

6) Gardening—

Getting out into nature, even if it’s just the back yard can be rejuvenating for kids and adults alike. Spend some time outdoors every day. And better yet, plant a food producing plant and enjoy the moments of discovery when flower turns to fruit. Harvesting and eating food they’ve grown themselves is a great way for kids to learn about food production and the life cycle of a plant.

7) Make up a silly song—

Stimulate your child’s creativity by using a familiar tune and making up new silly, rhyming lyrics.

8) Play a brain teasing game—

Riddles, mental puzzles, alliteration games and mysteries are really good for brain plasticity and developing problem solving skills.

9) Read aloud—

No matter how old your kids are, reading aloud can be a wonderful family activity. If you start a chapter book today, I guarantee that in a week or so, your kids will be begging for the daily chapter.

10) Exercise—

Riding bikes, canoeing, running, playing sports, swimming, and skiing can be excellent family activities that will get the whole family outside and physically active. Instilling the habit to move while kids are young can translate to a healthier lifestyle for decades to come.

11) Puppetry and theater—

Do you have a child who seems to need endless attention from you? Set him up with some puppets or assign him the task of writing a play to perform for you and you’ll be amazed at the creative results. Provide costumes, or the means to make their own to add even more depth to the performance. This is a fantastic play date activity.

12) Science experiments—

Head over to your local library and check out a book on science experiments for kids. Look through it yourself and copy a few items that you’d be willing to supervise or that don’t need much adult intervention. Help your kids collect the materials and watch their minds expand as they learn about mass, volume, weather, chemistry and more!

So, hopefully after reading through these initial ideas, you’re brimming with even more ideas of your own! Isn’t it amazing how creative we can be when we take screen time off the table? Hopefully you’re already doing a bunch of these, and if not, I hope you’ll try some. Then, leave a comment to let me know how it’s going. If you’re not feeling more free from technology and MUCH more connected with your kids after these, I’ll be shocked. But even if these particular ideas don’t work for you and your family, I bet you can come up with a few activities that will work great and will keep you all connected to each other, instead of to your various devices.

Have a fabulous week! Warm hugs, Shelly

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12 Ways to Encourage Failure and Why You Definitely Want to Do it

Now why in the world would I suggest that you’d want to encourage your child to fail? Well, current research is telling us interesting things about which character traits are associated with lifelong achievement and success. It’s also showing us that these “traits” are not simply inborn, but can be actively taught.

Character traits like grit, perseverance, and tenacity turn out to be much higher predictors of accomplishment than test scores, grades, or even IQ. It turns out that even smart kids who lack these skills often end up leaving college without a degree or have a difficult time holding down a job. On the flip side, even children who aren’t academically gifted can achieve great things if they have the drive and tenacity to keep reaching toward their goals.

So, how do children learn something like perseverance? They learn it through experience. About six months ago I noticed that if my daughter wasn’t able to do something on the first try, she would throw herself down and cry in frustration, refusing to try again. “I can’t do it,” she’d intone through her tears.

For a while I wasn’t sure how to respond to her upset. I didn’t want to encourage her to stuff her feelings of frustration, but I also knew it was important for her to learn to persevere. And then I read, “How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character” by Paul Tough. What an enlightening read!

After absorbing a bunch of new information, I decided to offer some reassurance and to encourage Julia to keep trying, even when she didn’t succeed initially. I said things like, “Just keep trying and eventually you’ll succeed,” and “Everyone makes mistakes.” After a few weeks, I knew these messages were getting through to her because one day she failed at a task and instead of the usual meltdown, she calmly announced, “Sometimes you have to try more than once before you succeed.”

So I decided to make a list of quick and easy ways to encourage failure.

Here it is:

1) Acknowledge and challenge, “Wow! You did it! Want to try something even harder?”

2) Encourage, “I know you’ll succeed eventually if you just keep trying.”

3) Offer a demonstration, and then let them try “Would you like me to show you how? OK, now you try.”

4) Suggest a new strategy, “When I get frustrated, sometimes it helps me if I walk away and try again later.”

5) Share your observations, “I see that you’re using your right hand to hold it and your left hand to push it through.”

6) Ask for a lesson, “Hey, I noticed that you’re able to do ______, will you please teach me how?”

7) Discover their strategies, “How did you decide to do it that way?”

8) Present a problem, “I need your help to figure this out, how do you think we should go about solving this?”

9) Remind them of past challenges, “Hey, remember when you were littler and you couldn’t climb up the jungle gym? And now it’s super easy for you!”

10) Help them keep track of their accomplishments, “Hey, you can do it now! Do you want to add this to your list of accomplishments?”

11) Remind them that circumstances can alter the outcome, “I know you were able to do it last week, but right now you’re hungry and tired and that makes things more difficult. I’m sure if you try it again after a snack and a rest you’ll have better luck.”

12) Celebrate the failures, “Hooray, you failed! That means you’re trying something really challenging. I feel so proud when I see you trying something difficult. You’ll always learn more if you continue to challenge yourself.”

Do any of these seem foreign to you? If so, you might have some work to do on your own relationship to failure. Remember, when Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he tried 10,000 things chemical compositions that didn’t work, before he found the one that did. Here’s what he said about his so-called failures. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Now that’s the epitome of grit, perseverance, and tenacity.

And no matter what your child ends up doing, these character traits will serve her well. So this week, see how many of these 12 you can implement with your kids. And then watch as they develop more resilience and tenacity before your very eyes.

Have a fantastic week, and even if you don’t, find a way to learn and grow from the challenges you face! Warm hugs, Shelly

Photo by Suzette Hibble

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You Don’t Have to Work So Hard to Entertain Your Baby

Well, the secret’s out. We’re expecting! And as I contemplate the inevitable chaos of introducing an infant into all of our lives there’s one idea that brings me a huge amount of peace and calm. It’s the notion that babies can actually entertain themselves.

I was first introduced to this idea by Janet Lansbury and if you want to explore this further, I highly recommend her website janetlansbury.com It’s filled with information about how to be respectful to even the youngest infants and some of the underlying messages I’ve gotten from her work with babies are:

1)   You don’t have to be Super-Mom, you’re already a super mom.

2)   You don’t need to hold your baby for every second of the day to foster proper bonding and development.

3)   Ultimately, even newborn babies are really good at meeting their own needs for learning and entertainment, when given the opportunity for independent play.

Sometimes these ideas seem to fly in the face of all of the attachment parenting information out there, but I don’t think the ideas are really at odds at all. In fact, I think that when we provide the nurturing and responsive environment for our children that we naturally want to give them, they respond by needing less reassurance and wanting more independence.

This is certainly what I’ve seen with my first daughter. As soon as she feels safe and comfortable, she’s ready to take on a new task or skill and she almost always wants to do it herself.

Even as a tiny infant, when she was fed, rested, and we were fighting a diaper rash, we’d leave her strapped to her changing table with a pre-fold underneath her just in case, put on some music and she would stay there happily for up to half an hour!

Other times I’d simply lay her down on a soft blanket on the floor, offer her one or two toys to explore and leave the room. And again, as long as her physical needs were met, she would rarely call out for me. So I got to fold laundry, cook dinner, or do whatever else I’d been neglecting for up to half an hour before she needed another diaper change or to nurse or some help falling asleep.

So if you’re a first time mom and are worried about how you’ll keep your baby entertained, or if you have other kids and you’re pretty sure the new baby won’t get the same kind of undivided attention that your first baby got, fear not. You can relax and trust your baby to learn and grow perfectly, even without your constant attention.

There are a few keys to encouraging this kind of independent play in infants (and toddlers for that matter) Here’s a quick check list:

1) Safety first—Make sure the space is safe from anything that could harm your baby, even if they move farther than you expect (because they probably will!). Check for long cords, electrical outlets, furniture that’s unstable (it’s best to attach bookcases to the wall), fluffy bedding, choking hazards etc.

2) Less is more—Young babies really don’t need 12 toys that blink and play music. A simple ball, a cloth or wooden teether, or even a kitchen utensil may be enough stimulation for a young developing brain. Some babies don’t even need a toy, they can be content just learning to move their bodies and looking around at the things in the room or in my daughter’s case, listening to music.

3) Give them space and time—If you’re not accustomed to leaving your baby alone, this one can be challenging. It’s an exercise in trust and an opportunity for self care.  But remember, offering your baby this time is helping him develop a longer attention span, reminding him that he’s safe, even when he’s left alone, and laying a strong foundation of self-reliance.

4) Be within earshot and available—Infants need to know that we’re there and available when they need us, so be sure you’re within earshot and available to respond quickly either verbally or physically if your baby cries out. When we respond quickly to their needs, babies relax and are able to feel safe even when we’re out of the room. But if we fail to respond when they need our help, we’re breaking a fragile trust and infants will easily learn to object to our being out of sight in order to be sure we’ll be there when they need us.

Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting that you leave your newborn alone for hours at a time or even for several hours a day, but the idea that we must be interacting with our babies 24/7 is just an impossible dream that undermines our own sanity.

Yes, it’s incredibly important to make eye contact, smile, talk to, hold, and sing to your baby. And I already know you’re doing those things. This is just a reminder that there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t take a shower, read a novel, or talk on the phone with a friend, even when you have an infant in the house.

And when we give our babies time alone, we’re not just taking care of ourselves by giving ourselves a much needed break, we’re also helping them develop crucial skills and allowing them to learn and grow at their own pace.

I’m curious, do you give your baby alone time? Or does this idea seem foreign? I would love to hear about your experiences. Please share your story with the rest of us!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

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4 Keys to Setting Boundaries That Get Respected WITHOUT Using Bribes, Threats, or Punishment

My daughter is about to turn three and her willfulness is definitely growing, as is her ability to reason and negotiate for what she wants. I wish I could say that this means that conflicts and tantrums are even further reduced, but on the contrary, it seems that her new negotiating skills simply fuel the fire of emotional upset when she doesn’t get her way.

I’ve noticed that gentle discipline is often misunderstood and mistaken for permissive parenting, however, the two are definitely not the same. Permissive parenting involves avoiding setting any rules or boundaries and definitely avoiding maintaining any. But setting clear rules and boundaries are a hallmark of gentle discipline. That’s because children desperately need rules and boundaries in order to feel safe and secure. In fact, they need rules and boundaries in order to BE safe.

Since children aren’t born with a clear understanding of all of the potential dangers we face in our modern lives, it’s crucial that we teach them rules about how to be safe in parking lots and crossing the road, as well as how to form solid bonds with other people and what to do if they get into a situation where they’re feeling worried or afraid.

I guess I was naïve to think that we’d escape completely unscathed by tantrums. I had forgotten that the threes and fours can be even more challenging than the twos when it comes to willfulness and pushing back against rules and boundaries.

But in my experience, the strongest push-backs come when we’re unclear about exactly where the boundary is. In fact, almost as soon as I’m completely clear, testing behavior is greatly reduced.

So, the first key to setting boundaries that get respected is, you guessed it:

1) Be completely clear about exactly what the boundary is and why.

When we set a rule like, “We always hold hands in the parking lot,” it’s clear to us why it’s so important as we have visions of a toddler running into oncoming traffic. There is no wiggle room here, it’s a dangerous situation and we’re determined to keep our kids safe.

We have a rule at home that we always sit while we’re eating. This is to prevent choking and to keep Julia at the table, focused on eating, rather than grabbing a bite to eat while she’s playing. This is an essential rule for us because we have dogs and cats who would like nothing better than to eat her food if she were to walk away. It also helps us keep the food in the kitchen so that I’m not cleaning up spills on the carpet.

Since I have a very clear understanding of why we have this rule, it’s easy to enforce and rarely causes any conflict. If Julia walks away from her food, I assume she’s finished and clear it away. And she knows that’s our policy, so there’s no need for any further testing.

But what about rules and boundaries that aren’t quite so clear?

On the other hand, we have a guideline that we take our shoes off when we come into the house. This one doesn’t have any huge consequences for me, so I’m more lax in enforcing it. And as a result, it gets tested.

Just the other day, my daughter tried to wear her shoes to bed. I said, “Absolutely no shoes on the bed,” (I’m clear on that!) and she pushed a little farther, saying, but it’s OK to wear shoes in the house.

A few days later, she looked over at me as she climbed onto the couch with her shoes on. She was looking for clarity about the boundary, and I provided it. “I don’t mind if you wear your shoes on the couch as long as they’re not too dirty. But no shoes on the bed, remember? And I REALLY like it best when we take our shoes off when we’re inside so that we can keep the dirt near the door.”

As I said, this is more of a guideline than a true rule, and she’s now clear about where the true boundary is, no shoes on the bed, ever.

The next key to setting boundaries that get respected is to:

2) Lovingly enforce the boundary, making it almost impossible for your child to break the rule.

Young children have very little impulse control, so if you make a rule like, “No touching the sharp knives,” and then put the knives within reach, guess what? They won’t be able to help themselves. And truly, it’s not developmentally appropriate to expect that they should.

Instead, set the boundary and then HELP your child to follow the rules by putting the knives out of reach.

If you want children to follow the rules without bribes or threats of punishment, then you need to give them an incentive.

3) Tell them why the rule exists and how you feel when it’s broken

When kids understand that rules exists to help keep them safe, healthy and happy and to maintain peace at home, they’re more likely to cooperate and work within the boundaries. That’s because children have an innate desire to be in connection with their parents and to live in a loving and peaceful environment.

So, if a rule isn’t getting respected, feel free to tell your kids how upset and frustrated you feel. “This rule exists to make our lives easier, and when you forget to put your dishes away and the dogs knock them down and break them, I feel upset because I have to clean up broken glass, someone could get cut, and we have less dishes to use next time.”

If you have any trouble with this, try using an NVC format when talking about your feelings with kids.

My final tip to setting boundaries that get respected is:

4) Reduce the number of rules as your child matures

In fact, reduce the number of rules, no matter what age your child is. Unless you’ve been practicing permissive parenting and failing to set any boundaries at all, you’re likely erring on the side of “more rules are better.” However, this makes it hard for kids to remember and follow all of the rules.

I find it’s much more effective to set just a few hard and fast rules and then to follow my own internal reference system about when things are OK and when things are not OK with me. It’s all right to let a child know that usually that’s fine, but right now you’re just not able to deal with the noise or the mess or having them help you cook.

When children know that there are just a few rules that are always in place, they’re able to remember them and work within those boundaries. But when the number of rules gets, ehem, “unruly,” kids have a really hard time keeping it all straight. Plus, they begin to feel micro-managed and then they lash out in frustration at not having enough freedom and autonomy.

So, your homework this week if you choose to accept it, is to sit down and write down your top 3-5 rules and boundaries. The ones you absolutely MUST have in order to maintain peace and safety. And remember, the most important rule of parenting is to maintain a healthy connection with your child, so if any of these rules seem to undermine connect, re-think them pronto.

I would love to know whether you found this article helpful and I always enjoy your contributions through comments. Please share your thoughts and stories!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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