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What Does Radical Self Care Mean to You?

I was on Facebook yesterday (big surprise) and I glanced at a post that said, “What does radical self-care mean to you?” I didn’t read the rest of the post or think about it much at the time, but as I sat down to write my blog today, I realized that I’ve been engaging in some radical self-care recently.

We all know that self-care is important, or at least we hear it from our friends and nod our heads knowingly. But how often do we actually choose to care for ourselves? And of those times, are we engaging in the minimum amount of self-care so that we don’t feel disgusting, like my recent self-administered foot massage and pedicure? Or are we actually practicing radical self-care?

What does radical self-care even mean?

As I thought more about it I realized that over the past several weeks I’ve spent hours on Pinterest adding pins to my Tattoo board. It’s the most self-centered activity I’ve engaged in for months. And I LOVE it. Every night after my daughter is in bed I pour over images and imagine my tattoo. I think about where I will put it on my body. I imagine how it will look. I think about how much it might hurt and the fact that it will take time to heal.

Maybe it sounds odd to think that a tattoo is self-care, but for me it is. It’s a way to express myself. It’s a beautiful piece of artwork that I get to wear for the rest of my life, just for me. I know it will be painful, but I’ve been through childbirth, so I know how to welcome the pain. And besides, life is painful. There’s no getting away from pain, no matter how hard we try.

For me, there’s a spiritual aspect to getting a tattoo. If you have one, you probably know what I’m talking about, but for those of you who don’t, let me explain.

Years ago I did some Native American spiritual ceremonies. I did sweat lodges, a couple of teepee ceremonies, and finally, a full on vision quest. I spent days on a hill with no food or water. It was a truly transformative experience.

I know, I know, depriving myself of food and water doesn’t exactly sound like self-care, but here’s the thing. When I did those ceremonies I consciously put my body under duress. I was too hot or I was sleep deprived or I was hungry or thirsty or nauseous. But by experiencing those physical challenges, it was somehow easier to access spiritual clarity. The idea behind these kinds of spiritual trials is that they bring us closer to God.

During my vision quest my priorities came into sharp relief.

I got clear about my purpose. I got a visit from my grandmother who had passed away. Call me crazy if you want to, but these experiences were huge gifts to me.

I left each of these life events richer than I was before. I gained more knowledge of myself, my connection to spirit, and my body’s abilities and limitations. Every time I’ve challenged myself whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, I’ve come away stronger and more sure of myself.

These ceremonies were rights of passage for me. And so is the tattoo I will be getting. For me, a tattoo is radical self-care. And it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. It’s OK if my parents or other people cringe at the sight of my new tattoo. It’s not about impressing or disappointing anyone else, it’s just about ME choosing an outer expression to reflect my inner world.

Sometimes I create visual art, or I cry or rage. Other times I write or hot tub or savor an extra long hug from a dear friend. And soon I’ll be getting my first tattoo.

This is how I heal and grow.

Your way might be different, and that’s beautiful too. I would love to hear about your own notions of radical self-care. What does it look like in YOUR life? Have you been through similar ceremonies or other rites of passage? How do you know when you’ve achieved radical self-care? And do you care how your self-care appears to other people? Does it bother you to think that others might consider you “selfish” for doing the things that nurture you?

I hope you’ll share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas with me by leaving a comment.

And I deeply wish you all the love and peace you can possibly handle.

Warm hugs, Shelly

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7 Destructive Parenting Myths

As a parent coach, I hear all sorts of thoughts and ideas that just don’t hold up to the current research on child-development and attachment, but some of these myths have been handed down from generation to generation for so long that we can forget to question them. Here are the 7 parenting myths that bother me the most:

1.    Kids Can’t Be Trusted

In my work as a preschool teacher, I’ve worked with hundreds of children and I’ve never met a child who wasn’t trustworthy. Children will rise to our expectations of them and I’ve noticed that when I expect them to follow through on their commitments and do what they say they will, I get excellent results.

If you’ve been thinking that your child isn’t trustworthy, ask yourself how you can support the innate trustworthiness inside every child. You could try making it easier for your child to keep his commitments by setting up systems that remind and help, instead of blaming or shaming him when he makes a mistake. After all, everybody makes mistakes, it’s a huge part of learning!

2.    Discipline Equals Punishment

I sure wish these two words weren’t as conflated as they are in our culture. Punishing children is both inappropriate and ineffective. Discipline on the other hand is absolutely essential. Self-control, self-discipline, and self-determination are the result of appropriate and compassionate discipline.

Discipline means setting clear boundaries, and being flexible within those boundaries. It does not need to include threatening, coercing or constantly forcing our will upon our kids. And it certainly doesn’t require overt or covert physical or emotional punishments.

Yes, time-out and counting to three can be used as punishment. The tone of your voice and the energy you’re projecting can make a huge impact on how your communication will be received. I’ve seen moms use innocuous phrases to threaten and just the other day I realized that something I said to my daughter could have been a threat if I’d used a different tone.

I think that mutual respect is the key to effective discipline. So this week, check in with yourself about the kind of energy your projecting and do your best to express your highest intentions, rather than getting stuck in the muck of using threats, coercion and punishment to get kids to do what you want.

3.    Breastfeeding is Embarrassing

Breastfeeding is one of the most important and beautiful gifts we can give to our infants, if we’re able. It is not embarrassing or sexual in any way to nurse a baby or toddler. Breastfeeding is without a doubt the best nourishment for babies. It also provides the bonding and comfort that infants need in order to develop healthy relationships and emotion regulation skills. How is any of that offensive? Yes, breasts are involved. In fact, news flash: breastfeeding is the PRIMARY FUNCTION of breasts.

Sure you can try to use a cover, but my daughter would never accept a cover, she found it far too distracting. Yes you can try to nurse at home, but sometimes your baby will be hungry when you’re not at home. Yes, cars are more private, but less comfortable, and there were times when I nursed in a car that I felt like I was hiding. I think it’s time to normalize breastfeeding again. Surely an all natural food source should not be denied to our children because other people are uncomfortable with the sight of a breast.

4.    Co-sleeping Means No More Sex

Without getting too graphic, let me just say that I have co-slept with my daughter for the past three years and my husband and I are having the best sex of our marriage. And no, we DO NOT have sex in the bed when our daughter is there.

Instead, I’ve co-slept with her in HER bed and we’ve reserved our bed for adult time, except for the occasional morning family snuggle. There are lots of ways to arrange co-sleeping. None of them need to involve sex in bed with a child present and all of them allow for lots of fun sexy adult time in places other than where your child is sleeping.

5.    It’s Inappropriate to Show Emotion In Front of Kids

I feel really sad when I think about this one. It’s crucially important for children’s emotional development and wellbeing that the adults around them model emotion regulation and emotional vulnerability. This lets kids know that they’re not alone in their emotional experiences and it helps them learn how to cope with their own big feelings.

Unfortunately when we hide our emotions from our kids, they end up feeling invalidated and learn to suppress their emotions too. Since I had to re-learn how to feel my feelings after decades of repressed emotion, I’m really hoping my daughter doesn’t have to go through the same process.

I do think it’s important to be responsible with our emotions when we’re with our kids. And to me, that means showing and sharing my emotional experience without directing my feelings AT my child or blaming her for my experience. It also means reassuring my daughter that she’s not the cause of my upset and telling her about what’s going on for me in peaceful language that’s developmentally appropriate.

Studies have shown that children can handle exposure to intense emotion without long-term negative effects, as long as they also experience a de-escalation and resolution of the emotional outburst (Nurture Shock by Po Bronson).

6.    Stay at Home Moms (or Dads) Don’t Work

Um, excuse me, but stay at home parentss are some of the hardest working people I know. In fact, often times I’m grateful for the diversion of working for cash because one, it’s painful how little our culture values homemakers’ work and two, being with young people all day every day is enough to make anyone lose their marbles. When I get to work with adults doing coaching I get paid for my time AND I get an adult social interaction out of the deal.

When I’m home alone with my daughter, I giver her attention and do the laundry and the dishes and clean the house and cook and clean up the kitchen after a meal and play with her and put her to sleep for her nap and rush around doing more cooking and cleaning and straightening and sorting until she wakes up and then I do an art project or create an activity or take her to the park or a museum but before we leave I pack a bag with extra clothes and snacks and water and alternate shoes depending on the activity and a sun hat and it. Just. Never. Stops.

And by the end of the day I’m completely exhausted and the house is a mess again and I didn’t earn a dollar. But I did get time with my daughter, some of which was fun and some of which was weirdly frustrating. And now I’m ruminating about the tone of voice I used that wasn’t kind and the thing that stranger said to my kid. Any of that sound familiar?

Let me just say it one more time in case I wasn’t clear, stay at home moms are the hardest working people I know. Your complete dedication to your children astounds me. I am in total awe that you can be with them from 6am to 8pm day in and day out without a break and without completely losing it 80% of the time. I commend you, appreciate you, and I want you to know, I see you. Even in the moments when you’re not with your kids, you’re thinking about them, planning things for them, and preparing to be your best for them. All I can say is WOW. And THANK YOU. Your children benefit immensely from your devotion and I’m so grateful for the work you do.

 7.    Taking Care of Ourselves Is Selfish and Hurts Kids

Quite the opposite actually, we ought to be the adults we hope our children will become. If we want our kids to take good care of themselves, guess what? We have to model the kind of self-care that will help us maintain a healthy and happy life. That means we MUST have friends. We need social interaction in order to be well and enjoy life as social beings. We also need time alone.

It is absolutely crucial that we do the things that make us happy and at ease so that our kids can experience that joy and ease too. Spending time in nature contributes to wellbeing by lowering your blood pressure.

I highly recommend that every woman participate in some type of women’s circle. Ideally you’d have a group of women that you feel comfortable sharing with and who you view as chosen sisters. The women’s circles I’ve participated in have been so incredibly supportive and life affirming. Every single time I participate in a women’s circle I’m glad I went.

Although I’m sure there are plenty more destructive parenting myths, these are the seven that I most want to dispel. On a more positive note, never forget that your connection with your kids is the most important part of parenting. As long as you’re reaching out for it, open to it, and working to repair any damage that’s been done, you’re doing a fantastic job as a parent and as a compassionate, caring, human being.

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

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The Number One Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Kids

When my daughter and I were traveling to Illinois to visit family, we spent time in several airports.

There was a moment when we had just gotten off of one of the planes and we were using the bathroom. A mom and her 6-year-old daughter were in the next stall and the tone of voice that the mother used literally made me want to crawl out of my skin. I wished my daughter had never heard anyone use that tone and my heart went out to the young girl who was on the receiving end of her mother’s wrath.

Essentially the mom was having a tantrum and was directing her anger and frustration at her child. It hurt my heart to listen to the way she spoke to her daughter. Where was the respect and compassion?

Look, I get it, sometimes we all get frustrated and lose it with our kids. I guess I just hope that we can notice ourselves getting upset and have the wherewithal to process those feelings on our own, rather than dumping them on our kids, at least some of the time.

I know not everyone shares my values. Not all adults want to treat young people with complete respect and offer them as much love and compassion as possible. But I’m sure grateful that you do.

Maybe that mom in the airport hadn’t yet processed her own childhood trauma and so she was repeating the pattern with their own kids. Right now I’m feeling very glad that I have chosen to actively process mine and to forge a new parenting path for myself.

So what’s the number one most important thing you can do for your kids?

Heal your past and become more available for connection.

I’m curious, have you unpacked your own childhood? Do you know what happened to you growing up and why things were the way they were?

I recently remembered one of the core concepts of “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Siegel and Hartzell. The research they wrote about showed that the greatest predictor of a healthy attachment between parent and child had nothing at all to do with the child.

His sex, personality, disposition, and even attachment style were essentially irrelevant to his ultimate connection with his parent. Instead, the attachment between parent and child had everything to do with the parent and how well he or she had processed their own childhood. Yep, that’s right,

Our own ability to process our childhood predicts how connected we’ll be with our kids.

Siegel writes about how having a “cohesive narrative,” which means being able to make sense of our past and creating a story for ourselves about what happened, why, and how we’ve emerged as a result of our past experiences is actually the most important predictor of attachment. When moms (and dads) have a cohesive narrative they end up being far more connected with their kids. And that’s better for the parents AND the kids.

To give you a more personal example of what this “cohesive narrative” might look like, I’ll share a story from my own life.

When I was five my parents divorced and a year or so later my dad and I moved from Champaign, IL to Collinsville, IL about a 3 ½ hour drive south west. I stayed with my dad for the school year and my mom drove down for every other weekend visits. I also stayed with my mom in Champaign for the summer. As a child I made up a story that my dad “took me away from my mom.” And even though I loved and appreciated my dad, I was angry with him for taking me away.

I held on to that story for many years, into adulthood and looking back I can see that that particular story was one of the things that kept me emotionally distant from my dad.

As an adult, I decided that perhaps my story about what had happened was incorrect, or at least incomplete, so I sat down with my dad and asked him about it. I was terrified to have the conversation, fearing that he would get angry and defensive, so I learned some Nonviolent Communication skills, practiced with a friend, and processed my own pain so that I could go into the conversation with an open and curious energy, instead of blaming or shaming my dad.

During the conversation I got a whole new perspective on what was happening for my dad at the time when he decided to move. I realized that his intention was to move closer to his family for additional support. I learned about some things that were happening in his emotional and financial life that impacted his decision, and I finally understood that while the result was that we moved away from my mom, that wasn’t the driving factor in his choice to move.

Whew! Now instead of seeing his choice as an attempt to hurt me, I saw it as a desire to provide and care for me. And that utterly transformed my narrative and my relationship with my dad. I’m much closer with my dad now than I was during my teens and twenties. In fact, almost as soon as I changed my narrative and began to see things more from his point of view, our relationship became closer.

And I think my connection with my daughter is a testament to the inner work I’ve done to be able to come up with a story of my life that makes sense and brings me clarity and understanding. Do you have a cohesive narrative of your life? Are there experiences you had in childhood that still feel traumatic to think about?

If so, my invitation is to take a closer look at those experiences this week. Now is the time to heal your past and connect even more deeply with your child as a result. It doesn’t matter if your child is an infant or a teenager. You still have time to deepen your connection. And who knows, you might even get a closer relationship with your parents out of the deal.

I hope you’ll share your story with me too and allow this community to support you and help you heal. If not for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve the best version of you that’s humanly possible.

Have a healing, freeing, super connected week, Shelly

Photo by DIONNA RAEDEKE

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The Secret to Improving Your Child’s Attention Span

The way to help children improve their attention span is counter-intuitive. You might think that giving children tasks that require their continued attention would help. Or maybe challenging them to accomplish long and complex sequences will help memory and cognition, improving attention span. But the current research is showing something counter to what we might think.

In fact, research shows that allowing kids to have unstructured playtime can actually improve their ability to focus on a task. In the book “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson I learned about a kindergarten program which encourages children to choose a character to play in an imaginary play scenario that lasts for several hours. Researchers found that the children who were able to remain in character did better on later academic tests than children who were taught their letters and numbers instead of engaging in imaginary play.

The real take away here is that imaginary play and unstructured playtime are tools that children use to learn real life skills that will benefit them forever. It might seem like “child’s play” to us, but to them, this type of play involves acting out potential scenarios, doing scientific experiments, and using critical thinking skills.

So what’s the secret to improving your child’s attention span?

Offering them big chunks of unstructured time to explore their own interests and engage in imaginary play.

Our daughter Julia wakes up at about 6:30am every day of the week and lately I’ve been helping her get to the bathroom and then climbing back into bed with my husband on the weekends. For several weekends in a row Julia has happily played by herself and allowed us to sleep in.

One morning she found the box of stickers and this is what she did:

The Secret to Improving Your Child's Attention Span

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I was impressed and here’s why. Not only did she use her fine motor skills to get each of the tiny stickers off of the sticker paper and on to her robe independently. She focused on this task for well over an hour without interruption. She put over a hundred stickers on her robe one by one. And she’s not yet three years old. I think we’re on our way to a very well developed attention span!

The following weekend she impressed me even more. Here’s what she did while we slept:

 

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I love the way that she displayed her finished puzzles and the fact that she also lined the boxes up on the floor was interesting too. And just for the record, this is four 12 piece puzzles, two 24 piece puzzles and a 35 piece puzzle. And she didn’t wake us up for help even once.

So what does your child like to do when given uninterrupted alone time?

When Julia was smaller she would spend up to an hour looking at books in her bedroom. Sure there was a huge pile of books on the floor afterward, but she had entertained herself for an hour…with books! And we did work on putting them away together, so now, she happily puts away most anything she plays with.

Just a quick disclaimer here, safety is very important any time you’re allowing young children to have time alone without direct supervision.

Please make sure that the environment is free of hazards whenever you leave your child alone.

There’s one more secret to helping your child expand his attention span, remembering not to interrupt his work. Again, while it might just seem like meaningless play to us, children are engaged in the work of becoming the adults they hope to be. When we remember to respect their time and attention by refusing to interrupt when they’re engaged or by simply waiting for them to approach us, we’re helping them learn more independence and encouraging their natural urge to go deeply into the subject at hand.

If every time a child becomes engrossed in something he gets interrupted and asked to do something else instead, he’s not as likely to develop a deep and long lasting desire to dive in to his own interests. Instead, he may become overly attuned to the needs and desires of the people around him, believing that it’s more important to do what others require of us than it is to develop our own driving interests.

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention, screen time does NOT count as independent play. In fact, excessive screen time has been linked to shorter attention spans and an inability to focus on real world tasks. So, if you’re in the habit of using the screen to get some time to yourself, I hope you’ll consider some other options.

So this week your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to allow your kids to have some extra alone time, unstructured playtime, and wide swaths of time when they’re not interrupted. You might be as surprised by the results as I was when I woke up to that table full of puzzles.

Have a great week, Shelly

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What to do When Kids Ask Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

The “Why” stage has hit. My daughter cannot seem to stop herself from repeatedly asking why. Almost every kid I’ve known goes through this at some point and if you’re anything like me, you find this incredibly irritating. “Why,” you ask? And I remember the long ago voices of my parents tightly saying, “Because I said so!”

I used to hate that answer but now I think I understand it a bit better. The repetition that I found so comforting and habit forming as a child, is just really very annoying as an adult.

So here’s the approach I take. I like to consider the underlying need that’s being expressed by the question. I think that when kids repeat the question why, they have a need for information. If you think about it, repeating the question why is actually a pretty easy way to get more information about a given topic. But it’s still super annoying. So what can we do about it?

I try to teach my daughter new strategies to meet that need for information.

I give her various options by modeling different ways to ask for what she wants, for instance:

“Can you please tell me more about that?”

“What else?”

“I want to know more!”

or, “Do you have a story about this?”

By helping my daughter to expand her repertoire of ways to get further information about a given topic, I’m addressing her desire, and helping her to get that need met more often. Adults will happily continue to give her more information as long as they’re not irritated by the way she’s asking.

And, by taking this approach, I also feel far less irritated, simply because I’m aware of the underlying need behind her behavior. When I see this behavior as an attempt to learn more, I have a lot more patience for her repetitive questions.

There’s something else I like to do when kids repeatedly ask “Why?”

I give them far more information than they could possibly want on the topic at hand.

I deluge them with details, use large vocabulary words, and talk about the overall processes at hand. This does two things, first it meets a child’s need for information and second, it assumes they’re smart enough to figure out the level of detail I’m providing. My dad is a pro at this approach. By the time I was three I already knew tons of information about how to lay a foundation and use a plum line.

Both of these will support a child’s further learning and growth and I find this to be a fun game to play, rather than an irritation. How much do I really know about why the sky is blue? And exactly why does the water go down the drain? What happens to our trash after the truck picks it up at the curb? And how does our food get to the grocery store?

If you don’t know the answer to your child’s questions, do some research together! The best way for children to grow a voracious appetite for learning is to witness their parents continuing to learn and grow. I’ve noticed that children love to imitate adults and they especially appreciate it when we show our vulnerability and limitations.

Kids feel more connected to us when they realize that we’re all in the same boat, learning and growing together. So instead of getting frustrated by the way they’re asking, let’s try teaching them some new strategies and helping them to figure out ways to learn and do research on their own.

As a child, whenever I didn’t know the definition of a word or how to spell it, my mom always had the same answer, “Look it up!” I didn’t like her response so much then, I would have rather had her tell me how to spell it, but now I feel empowered by my ability to discover the answers to my questions.

The internet is an incredibly useful tool sometimes! And if you don’t want your kids to have the screen time, offer them some analog reference materials. If they’re older, you might even want to assign them a research project complete with a report and presentation at the end. You may be surprised at how much fun it can be for an older sibling to teach the whole family about his area of interest.

After all, the summer is a wonderful time to continue to do research and experimentation. Who says science projects can only happen at school?

If none of these strategies seem to be working in the moment, I like to turn the questions right back around and ask my child what she thinks. “Why do you think it’s that way?” or “Do you have a theory about why that might be?” or even, “Can you tell me what you know about this topic?” By asking a question in response, I’m inviting my child to think about what she knows and how she can share what she knows.

After all, teaching someone else is one of the best ways to learn something.

So there you have it, my simple strategies for how to get rid of the incessant repetition of the question “Why,” and a little bit of inspiration to help your kids continue to learn and discover, even though school’s out.

I hope you’re having a lovely week, Shelly

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