communication – Awake Parent

November 7, 2013May 26, 2017

What Everybody Ought to Know About Talking to Kids About Sex

Well, it happened. I was rocking Julia before bed a couple of weeks ago and out of the blue she asked, “Mommy? How did Daddy get the seed into your mouth to start a baby growing?” I was a bit surprised to say the least, she’s only three years old after all, but I calmly replied, “Well, he actually put the seed into my vagina, not into my mouth.” To which she replied, “Well what did he use to get it in there?” And I said, “He used his penis. You know, I have a wonderful book called, ‘Where Did I Come From’ that tells all about how a baby starts to grow. Would you like to read that tomorrow?” After an enthusiastic “YES!” I eventually got her to calm down and go to sleep.

The following evening we sat down and read the very same book that my mom read to me when I was a young girl. “Where Did I Come From” by Peter Mayle

The thing I love about this book is that while it’s lighthearted in spots, it also includes scientific details and it doesn’t leave anything out. After having this book read to me as a young girl, I knew exactly how babies are made. Having that information early also opened the door to future conversations about STDs, pregnancy prevention, and even drugs and alcohol.

I’ve always been super grateful that my mom was so forthright, honest, and willing to talk with me about sex. I believe that it’s lead to my healthy sex life and a clear understanding of the pitfalls and dangers of unprotected sex. I’ve known how pregnancy happens since I was very young, so when my peers said weird and untrue things like, “You can’t get pregnant the first time,” I knew the truth.

As we were reading, I noticed that during the description of sex, Julia tuned out and began to look around the room. Then, when the baby started growing inside the mother, she was very interested again. I think it’s because she’s not quite ready to process the details of what having sex is and she clearly has no interest in that part of the story. What she’s curious about is how babies are made and how they grow inside the mother.

Talking with kids about sex isn’t a one-time thing. There is no “the talk.” In reality, teaching children about sex is a series of lots of little conversations over time. By treating sex as just another normal topic of conversation, we can invite our children to come to us with their thoughts, ideas, and questions about this mysterious act.

And that really pays off big time when our sweet babies become teenagers and consider becoming sexually active themselves.

Because my mom and step-mom both talked to me frankly about my changing body when I went through puberty and about sex when I became interested, I knew that using multiple forms of birth control is the safest route if you don’t want to get pregnant. And I was aware that even though I was on the pill, it was still important to use condoms to protect myself from sexually transmitted diseases. I even learned about masturbation from a book that my step-mom recommended called, “Girls and Sex.”

I was also regularly encouraged in locating clinics nearby to get tested and to insist that my partners to get tested. I think it was much easier for me to have those conversations with potential new partners because I had grown up talking about sex. Again, it was just a normal topic of conversation for us.

The only thing I wish I’d known about as a younger woman is the wonderful information in “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. I didn’t read it until I was trying to get pregnant the first time and I couldn’t believe how much information about my fertility and monthly cycle I’d been missing out on for all those years. If you don’t know about cervical fluid yet, you’re in for a whole new understanding of your monthly cycle! Seriously, I think this should be required reading for high school sex ed. OK, so back to talking with your kids about sex.

Here are my top six tips for talking with kids about sex:

1) Answer all questions honestly, but don’t elaborate too much.

Kids don’t need the details of your exploits, the scientific facts should suffice unless they specifically ask you about your personal experiences (but I don’t know any kid who would want to know those details about their parent).

2) Check in and start a conversation

if you notice a change in your child’s body or behavior or if your child seems afraid to bring up the topic.

3) Read a book together

or offer your reading child a book to read on his own and then ask him about it later. Also, ask your child what the kids at school say about sex and debunk any myths.

4) Notice how your child responds.

If she’s shutting down, stop and come back to the topic at another time. Remember, this doesn’t have to be a serious or heavy conversation. You can give accurate information in a fun and playful way too.

5) Make sure that even young children are aware of which parts of their bodies are just for them

and encourage them to assert their boundaries if anyone ever tries to touch them in a way that they don’t like. You may even model it for them, “Stop! I don’t like that! Don’t touch my body.”

6) Talk about sex often and without much fuss.

Treating sex conversations as somehow more significant than other conversations gives kids the message that this is a taboo topic. Instead, treat conversations about sex like any other mundane topic of life. After all, we don’t blush when we talk about food, poop, or sleep. Why should sex be any different?

I hope these tips are helpful for you and I would love to hear about your own experiences of growing up talking (or not) about sex and how you handle this topic with your kids. Please share your story below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

June 12, 2013June 11, 2013

What to do When Kids Ask Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

The “Why” stage has hit. My daughter cannot seem to stop herself from repeatedly asking why. Almost every kid I’ve known goes through this at some point and if you’re anything like me, you find this incredibly irritating. “Why,” you ask? And I remember the long ago voices of my parents tightly saying, “Because I said so!”

I used to hate that answer but now I think I understand it a bit better. The repetition that I found so comforting and habit forming as a child, is just really very annoying as an adult.

So here’s the approach I take. I like to consider the underlying need that’s being expressed by the question. I think that when kids repeat the question why, they have a need for information. If you think about it, repeating the question why is actually a pretty easy way to get more information about a given topic. But it’s still super annoying. So what can we do about it?

I try to teach my daughter new strategies to meet that need for information.

I give her various options by modeling different ways to ask for what she wants, for instance:

“Can you please tell me more about that?”

“What else?”

“I want to know more!”

or, “Do you have a story about this?”

By helping my daughter to expand her repertoire of ways to get further information about a given topic, I’m addressing her desire, and helping her to get that need met more often. Adults will happily continue to give her more information as long as they’re not irritated by the way she’s asking.

And, by taking this approach, I also feel far less irritated, simply because I’m aware of the underlying need behind her behavior. When I see this behavior as an attempt to learn more, I have a lot more patience for her repetitive questions.

There’s something else I like to do when kids repeatedly ask “Why?”

I give them far more information than they could possibly want on the topic at hand.

I deluge them with details, use large vocabulary words, and talk about the overall processes at hand. This does two things, first it meets a child’s need for information and second, it assumes they’re smart enough to figure out the level of detail I’m providing. My dad is a pro at this approach. By the time I was three I already knew tons of information about how to lay a foundation and use a plum line.

Both of these will support a child’s further learning and growth and I find this to be a fun game to play, rather than an irritation. How much do I really know about why the sky is blue? And exactly why does the water go down the drain? What happens to our trash after the truck picks it up at the curb? And how does our food get to the grocery store?

If you don’t know the answer to your child’s questions, do some research together! The best way for children to grow a voracious appetite for learning is to witness their parents continuing to learn and grow. I’ve noticed that children love to imitate adults and they especially appreciate it when we show our vulnerability and limitations.

Kids feel more connected to us when they realize that we’re all in the same boat, learning and growing together. So instead of getting frustrated by the way they’re asking, let’s try teaching them some new strategies and helping them to figure out ways to learn and do research on their own.

As a child, whenever I didn’t know the definition of a word or how to spell it, my mom always had the same answer, “Look it up!” I didn’t like her response so much then, I would have rather had her tell me how to spell it, but now I feel empowered by my ability to discover the answers to my questions.

The internet is an incredibly useful tool sometimes! And if you don’t want your kids to have the screen time, offer them some analog reference materials. If they’re older, you might even want to assign them a research project complete with a report and presentation at the end. You may be surprised at how much fun it can be for an older sibling to teach the whole family about his area of interest.

After all, the summer is a wonderful time to continue to do research and experimentation. Who says science projects can only happen at school?

If none of these strategies seem to be working in the moment, I like to turn the questions right back around and ask my child what she thinks. “Why do you think it’s that way?” or “Do you have a theory about why that might be?” or even, “Can you tell me what you know about this topic?” By asking a question in response, I’m inviting my child to think about what she knows and how she can share what she knows.

After all, teaching someone else is one of the best ways to learn something.

So there you have it, my simple strategies for how to get rid of the incessant repetition of the question “Why,” and a little bit of inspiration to help your kids continue to learn and discover, even though school’s out.

I hope you’re having a lovely week, Shelly

May 1, 2013May 1, 2013

7 Keys to Getting Kids to Listen

Isn’t it amazing how selectively our kids listen to us? If they don’t like what they’re hearing, they have an uncanny ability to tune it out and engross themselves in a book or toy instead. I’m sure you’ve experienced this universal kid skill. The thing is, it’s not just children who tune out. We do the exact same thing to them all the time. In fact, I’m guessing we’re where they learned the skill in the first place.

Not a pretty picture, but a good place to begin if we want our kids to truly listen and respond to us when we speak to them.

1) Listen to children—

Good listening skills are not innate, they’re learned, just like any other skill. Children don’t naturally understand that it’s considered disrespectful to avoid eye contact. They’re just doing what comes naturally to them, avoiding conflict or confrontation.

By modeling good listening skills to your child, you’re showing them exactly what you’re wanting. And since kids are hard wired to imitate their parents, they’re already more likely to listen well and respond respectfully when they’re exposed to those behaviors every day.

So the next time you find yourself tuning out as your child is telling a long involved and possibly nonsensical story, breathe, relax and give him your complete attention. Make eye contact, and give the appropriate social signals that you’re engaged. You might even want to ask some follow up questions just to be sure you heard correctly.

2) Practice Compassion—

Rather than taking “not listening” as an affront, considering it rude or disrespectful, try to see it for what it is, a genuine attempt to keep the peace.

If you think about the specific times when your child is most likely to employ the avoidance strategy of “not listening,” you may see a pattern. He avoids listening when you ask him to clean up his toys. Or she won’t make eye contact after she’s hit her sister. Most often, children are attempting to avoid conflict, embarrassment, added work, or punishment when they refuse to give us their attention.

So I recommend practicing empathy and compassion as you approach a child who isn’t listening. By showing your child that you understand what’s happening for him, you’re much more likely to get his attention and eventually to get your own message across.

3) Get close and be very very quiet—

Our natural reaction when kids don’t listen is to speak louder and louder until we’re yelling across the house feeling more and more frustrated. “I KNOW she can hear me,” you think. Don’t be so sure.

When we yell, our kids shut down, go into fight or flight, and are actually less able to listen and process information. Instead, try going over to your child and whispering in his ear.

I first tried this as an assistant teacher in a Montessori classroom. Peace is a huge part of the Montessori curriculum and maintaining a peaceful classroom that provides the most potential for learning and focus is hugely important. Rather than raising our voices in the classroom, we were taught to walk over to the child, get down on her level, gently tap her shoulder, make eye contact and quietly speak to the child.

Amazingly, this works like a charm! Even in situations that were about to go haywire, my calm and quiet reminders helped the children remember the rules and follow them more easily. And in the times when I forgot, got upset, or raised my voice, guess what happened? The volume and energy in the whole classroom was negatively affected.

And I can tell you from experience that the exact same thing happens at home. When we’re able to maintain a calm and peaceful tone of voice, our kids can hear us and are much more likely to respond in the ways we’d like.

4) Only say it ONCE—

This one is hugely important. Think about it this way, every time you repeat yourself, you’re actually training your kids not to listen to you the first time. When they know that you’ll say it 10 times, there’s really no need to pay attention the first 9 times. Kids can be pretty sure they’ll hear it again and again, so why even tune in?

On the other hand, when you refuse to repeat yourself, children learn quickly that they must pay attention or they might miss crucially important information.

Now I don’t mean that you can never repeat yourself if your child is genuinely curious and truly didn’t hear you the first time. It’s just the incessant repetition with no response that is troublesome. And if you’re not sure if they heard you the first time, ask!

5) Tell them exactly how you’d like them to respond—

As I mentioned before, children don’t come already equipped with all of the information they need to respond to us or other people in socially acceptable ways. They actually have to learn the appropriate responses. So instead of getting frustrated, let’s try some patient instruction.

When my daughter doesn’t respond in the way I’d like, I simply model it for her or ask her to do it. I’ll say, “I hear you Mommy,” and wait for her to repeat, or I’ll ask, “Will you please let me know that you heard me? You can say, ‘OK Mom!”

And if your child isn’t quite as cooperative as mine is, offer them some responses that meet everyone’s needs. “I hear you Mom and I’ll take care of that after I’m finished with my puzzle.” Or give them the option of giving you a thumbs up if they’ve heard you.

6) Ask them to repeat it—

We’ve already gone over the importance of NOT repeating yourself, so how can you be sure your child really heard and understood your request? Ask them to repeat what you’ve said. “Hey Julia, did you hear what I asked a moment ago? Can you tell me what I said?” Or be playfully forgetful, “Wait, what did I just say? I can’t even remember! (wink wink)”

The most important part of this practice is remaining completely calm and relaxed as you ask your child to repeat your words. The repetition is not a punishment, it’s simply an attempt to ascertain whether your communication has been effective.

When we have tension in our voices as we ask these types of questions we’re not likely to get a positive response. Remember, no one likes to be forced to do anything so keep an inviting rather than a demanding tone of voice and you’ll have a lot more success.

7) Have some fun—

Never forget that being playful and easygoing is the quickest way to get a child’s attention. Getting upset only triggers kids into shut down mode, but playing a fun game is a sure-fire way to engage and invite children into your world.

Rather than getting angry, see if you can figure out a way to make listening to you more fun than the alternative. Turn it into a game of who has super keen hearing, or who can guess what you want when you act it out in pantomime. Try learning sign language together or make your request in song and dance.

By lightening up and learning to play and have more fun, you’re showing your kids that you’re willing to step into their world a little bit more and I’ve found that whenever I’m willing to do that, children are happy to reciprocate.

I’m so curious whether you’ve tried these keys yourself and how they’ve worked for you. Please share your insights and stories below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

February 13, 2013

50 Ways to Share Your Love on Valentine’s Day and Every Day

I think Valentine’s Day gets a bad rap. My husband calls it a “Hallmark Holiday” but I still love Valentine’s Day because I’m all about the love. This may stem from the fact that I’m solidly a Type 2 in the Enneagram. I’m “The Helper” and based on my personality type, my primary motivation in life is to love and be loved.

If you don’t know about the Enneagram yet, definitely check it out. You will learn a TON about yourself and a lot about your loved ones too. My favorite Enneagram book is “Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery” by Riso and Hudson.

But even if I wasn’t a Type 2, I still think I’d enjoy Valentine’s Day because it’s the perfect excuse to share love and appreciation with everyone! Sure, I spread the love on other days too, but this is a holiday completely dedicated to love. What could be better?

So, whether you like the holiday or not, let’s all take the time to share our love and appreciation with the special people in our lives. Oh, and let’s not forget to also RECEIVE love and appreciation this week as well. Sharing love is a two way street and if we can’t receive as well as giving, then we’re stopping the flow of love.

What might it look like to give and receive some extra love this week? Well, it could take many different forms. If we use The Five Love Languages as a guide, we realize that we can give and receive love in all sorts of ways!

Here are the Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman):

1) Gifts

2) Acts of Service

3) Physical Touch

4) Quality Time

5) Words of Affirmation

And here’s a survey you can fill out online to see what your primary love language is.

There are countless ways to show someone you care.

So, here are 50 ways to show your loved ones how much you adore them off the top of my head and in no particular order:

1) A hug

2) A kiss

3) Snuggles

4) Say “I love you”

5) Read to them

6) Give loving eye contact

7) Fix something broken

8) Run an errand

9) Make a homemade card

10) Find a beautiful rock, shell, or feather to give

11) Go for a walk

12) Have a picnic together

13) Act our your love in pantomime

14) Share something you appreciate about them

15) Scrape off an icy windshield

16) Cook their favorite dinner

17) Send flowers

18) Call them

19) Skype them

20) Text them (FB message, IM, Email, etc.)

21) Write a note

22) Send a letter

23) Dance

24) Sing a song of love

25) Let them choose the activity

26) Brag about them to someone else

27) Make a collage for them

28) Hold hands

29) Give a massage

30) Wash their feet

31) Wink

32) Draw them a picture

33) Make them a basket

34) Crochet or knit a scarf

35) Tell them how they’ve changed your life for the better

36) Blow bubbles

37) Give cash

38) Wash their car

39) Make a “welcome home” banner

40) Record a video

41) Brush their hair

42) Bake a special cake

43) Leave a gift on their doorstep

44) Tell a room full of people how you feel about them

45) Propose marriage

46) Clap extra loud after their performance

47) Introduce them to someone else you love

48) Say, “I adore you.”

49) Tell them about one of your favorite memories with them

50) Ask a question and pay attention to the answer

So, that should get you started, now you can choose something, anything, and do it TODAY to share your heart with the people you love.

And, I would love to continue this list. What would you add to it? Please leave a comment and let’s keep love alive!

Have a “lovely” week 😉

Hugs, Shelly

October 10, 2012October 27, 2012

Don’t Say That Do Say This: 20 Things Not To Say To Your Child (And What To Say Instead)

A few weeks ago a friend on my Facebook page asked for a list of things not to say to children so I decided to create one for all of us. This list is not exhaustive and I would love to add to it with your suggestions so please leave a comment if you’d like me to add something!

I would also like to know if you need or want explanations for any of these. Many of them are self explanatory, but if you’d like me to elaborate, I’m happy to add more information about why column B is preferable to column A. And here’s another post I wrote on the topic.

And, if you’d like to read a great book on this topic, try Sarah MacLaughlin’s “What Not To Say: Tools for Talking With Young Children” I was surprised to find some phrases in there that I was still using! OK, so here’s my list…

Don’t Say	Do Say
Good job, nice results.	You tried really hard!
What a beautiful picture!	Will you tell me about it?
You’re so smart.	What else?
Don’t cry.	It’s OK to cry.
You statements	I statements
Are you listening?	Can you please remind me what I said?
Hurry up.	Let’s go!
You’re OK, you’re tough.	Are you hurt? Did you feel scared?
Shut up!	I need some quiet time, please whisper.
I promise, no matter what.	This is the plan. Sometimes plans change. We’ll go with the flow. And I’ll keep you informed.
Clean up or else…	Let’s play a cleaning game!
Spot went to sleep and won’t wake up any more.	Spot died. Everything that lives also dies.
Baby talk	Proper terminology
Of course! I’ll drop everything else.	Please wait for me.
Perhaps, maybe, possibly…	Yes, No, or I need to think about that.
Don’t use sarcasm with young children	Say what you mean and mean what you say when talking with kids
Get your shoes. We have to go RIGHT NOW!!!	We’re leaving in five minutes, what else do you need to do? OK, let’s go!
Why did you do that?	How did you feel about that?
What’s wrong with you?	How can I help?
He’s just a mean person.	I wonder what was going on for him.

I have a feeling we could add to this list forever, but I think this covers many of the phrases that we might be tempted to use and for which there are clear alternatives. If there’s something you’re still wondering about, please ask! If I don’t know, I’ll find out, and if I do know, I’ll respond asap.

Have a great week. Warmly, Shelly