Tag: Connection

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Understanding willful toddlers

I’m generally a happy and optimistic person.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had dark moments, but for the most part I enjoy my life and am grateful for it.  However, when I’m with a toddler who seems intent on pushing my buttons, I am hating life.   It seems like no matter what I do to please the little tyrant, I’m still fending off testing behavior hour after hour.

Here are a few empowering thoughts, assumptions, questions, and some dialogue that have helped me change gears and reconnect with a young person after I’ve felt frustrated or hurt:

Q: My 20 mo. old son is throwing things in clear defiance of my wishes.  It seems like he WANTS to upset me.

New interpretation: He’s just asking to play.

Challenge: How can we make it a safe/fun/mutual game?

Inside Shelly’s head:

Oh no, he’s going to throw that.  “Stop!”, He throws it anyway and aims at something breakable but misses.  “Wow, I’m so glad you aimed away from the flower pot!  That flowerpot is fragile and breakable and it would be expensive to replace it.  Hmmm, I wonder what would be good to throw something at…Oh!  I know!  Let’s throw beanbags into the special hole we made!  I want the red beanbag, which one do you want?  I’m going to throw it into the hole.  Can you make it into the hole? C’mon!  Let’s go get the beanbags!”

Q:  My 18 mo. old daughter uses a blood curdling scream when she wants attention and sometimes for no reason that we know of. Continue reading “Understanding willful toddlers”

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The art of receiving

As a parent, we give and give and give to our kids.  And then we turn around and notice our friends, partners or other family members and we give some more.  Then after giving all we can, we collapse into a heap at the end of the day whining about how we never have enough time to ourselves.  I get it.  I’ve been there.  But I think we each create our reality and we’re actually responsible for creating the lives we want.  So then I reach out, ask for help, and create support systems.

The problem is that when someone is willing to help me, I actually have to be able to accept that help.  I’m better at it now, but receiving hasn’t always been easy for me.  Sure, I was good at receiving physical gifts, but I wasn’t so great at receiving compliments or acts of service from my friends and family.  I used to energetically push those gifts away by minimizing, deflecting, or reassuring people that I had everything handled.

And then I had an epiphany.  I realized that just as I love to help, so do other people.  I noticed that when I was able to contribute to someone else’s wellbeing, my heart sang and then my heart immediately sank as I remembered all the times that I had been unwilling to receive help and support from others.  Continue reading “The art of receiving”

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The trouble with texting

Last night as I was mindlessly flipping through television channels trying to find something interesting I happened upon a show in which young children were being interviewed by a journalist while their parents watched from a room nearby.  The kids were between the ages of three years old and six years old and the journalist was asking them about cell phones and texting.

“Do your parents ever text?” she asked.  The children nodded wildly and raised their hands to speak.  One little boy talked about how his mom was “always texting, texting, texting.”  Another child shared how she hates it when her mom takes phone calls instead of playing with her.  One child shouted, “I wish phones were never invented!” And another little girl talked about how she sometimes plays with six or seven toys at once because she likes to “multi-task” just like her Daddy.  Whoa.

The parents in the next room were a little bit shocked at how strongly the kids felt and ultimately shared that they felt embarrassed that they had prioritized their phones above their children in many instances.  One of the parents was perplexed though, because apparently her job requires that she be available and on call.  She wondered how she could be on call and still let her child know that he’s important to her.

I don’t have any answers for that particular parent, but the show got me thinking.  How much do we really NEED to be at the beck and call of our electronic devices, and how much have we unconsciously fallen into the trap of our shiny, fun toys?  And, considering that our children learn by imitating us, how much do we want our kids staring at screens and pushing buttons to communicate with friends, co-workers, and family members that are hundreds or thousands of miles away? Continue reading “The trouble with texting”

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The magic question

Are you wanting more ease and cooperation from your kids this week?  I have a magic question that will get you exactly that.  One great thing about this question is that it also works well with other adults.   Another wonder of this magic question is that when people ask you this question you feel honored, cared for, and free to say yes or no.

This question empowers you and your loved ones to communicate openly, honestly, and freely.  It can even help you learn more about your children and their motivations.  OK, are you ready for it?  The magic question is, “Would you be willing to ____?”  Variations on this question might be “Would you?” “Could you?” or “Will you please?”

But a huge part of the magic of the question is that it’s a true request.  When you ask, “Would you be willing to help me carry in the groceries?” you’re actually asking for help, not demanding it.  So be careful with the variations unless you’re sure you’re truly asking.  Sometimes our demands can be subtle and veiled, but they’re demands none-the-less.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of demanding and ordering kids around, especially when they’re resistant and uncooperative.  “Brush your teeth” “Put on your shoes, we’re leaving” and “Stop hitting your sister” are the kinds of demands most kids experience daily.  If you’ve fallen into the habit of making lots of demands of your kids, you’re not alone.  The problem is that the more we demand, the less kids want to cooperate.  And the less kids cooperate, the more we demand.  It’s a vicious cycle, but you have the power to change the dynamics substantially, just by asking the magic question and being OK with whatever the answer is. Continue reading “The magic question”

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Happiness is contagious

We are all inexplicably connected to one another by virtue of our deeply social nature as humans.  But recently, studies have shown exactly how those connections can actually affect our well-being.  This week I saw a show called “This Emotional Life” on Oregon Public Broadcasting (OPB).  The highlight of this particular episode was the fact that happiness is contagious.

You’re probably wondering how they know that, right?  Well, researchers created a hugely complex map of the interactions between specific people and those they’re connected with.  It was a jumble of names and arrows of different colors indicating the types of relationships.  Some people were related, others were friends or co-workers.

Out of all the data they collected, the most statistically significant finding was that happiness spreads through the map faster than the common cold.  So it looks like when you’re happy, your happiness spreads to those you come into contact with, who then share it with other people you may not have even met.  Your happiness can have a positive effect on people up to four degrees of separation from you!

With that in mind, consider the impact your happiness has on your family, and the impact theirs has on you.  This week, put some special focus on doing the things that bring you joy so that you can not only experience happiness but you can also spread it to the people you love.  And begin to notice how your child’s laughter can spread through your household like wildfire.  What can you do this week to foster joy and laughter in your home? Continue reading “Happiness is contagious”

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