How to Quickly and Easily Reduce Screen Time

We’ve all been hearing about the ill effects of screen time on developing brains and each of us have a slightly different way of dealing with the information. Some people argue that the research isn’t in yet (there is actually quite a bit of research on this topic and most of it is quite disturbing), others are convinced that it couldn’t be nearly as harmful as the researchers purport. Some parents claim it’s their only break, and they really really need a break, and trust me, I hear you on that one.

But the truth is that we humans didn’t evolve to sit still for hours watching a screen, and when we do so as young children, it really does negatively impact our brain development. Attention span goes down, emotional regulation and control is negatively affected, self-control and the ability to plan ahead are impacted and even if we don’t want to admit it, we all know that our kids are not their best selves after a few hours of watching television. A lot of the current research is showing that it may not necessarily be the screens themselves, or even the content of shows, rather it’s the lack of social interaction that most negatively impacts kids.

Because of all of this, my son’s preschool has recommended that the students attempt to have a “screen free April.” At first I thought, “There is no way we can make it the whole month without a single show.” But then I heard about the incentive. The head of school has offered us $$ off our May tuition if we can make it through the entire month without using screens with your 3 year old.

Once I knew about the incentive, I was motivated. And as it turns out, my motivation was all we really needed to reduce our kids’ screen time drastically. I’m embarrassed to admit that my kids have very easily transitioned and it has actually been harder for we adults to give up our “free time” than it is for the kids to adjust to zero screen time.

Zero screen time?!!

To be fair, we already had a maximum of 2 hours per day and they typically didn’t watch that much even before the challenge, but I was amazed at how quickly both of our kids adjusted to the zero screen time challenge. After just a few days, they both completely stopped asking for shows!

Last weekend my daughter came down with a stomach bug and I nearly caved. Being sick with a fever and upset stomach without the option to zone out in front of the TV just sounds like torture to me, but after asking my husband and friends for some support, we decided to tough it out and I am so glad we did!

On day 15 and my 7-year-old daughter announced, “It’s a lot easier to live without screen time than I thought it would be!” OK, so here are the 5 simple things we’ve done differently during screen free April. I am surprised at how little effort these alternatives are actually requiring and more than a little bit embarrassed to admit that I’ve been the one driving my kids to the screen, even though I know full well that it’s not good for their development.

#1 Books on CD from our local library-

I ran over to the library and picked up about 10 chapter books on CD and this has been the #1 favorite screen time alternative for both my 7 and 3 year old. The two of them will spend hours together just listening and drawing or coloring. It’s really sweet to see them connecting in this way. Podcasts could serve a similar purpose but we prefer the low-tech option.

For extra credit, ask your kids about the plot to ensure that they really understand the story line or ask specific questions about the book, characters, or action to help them gain a deeper comprehension of the content. Historical fiction has started some very interesting conversations at our house this month!

 

#2 More time outside

More time in the back yard, more parks, and more walks by the river. This one does take a little bit more effort and planning, but the positive impacts of nature on our physiology greatly outweigh the hassle it is to actually get outside. We’re going to make an effort to keep this one going even after we re-introduce screen time.

Some highlights so far have been the nature art that my kids and I created at the base of one of our favorite trees, placing bird feed in our back yard and then watching the birds from inside with binoculars and discussing them, creating a natural shelter for our garden gnome, and hearing the kids talk excitedly about how they walked “all the way” to the high school with Grandpa (it’s only about 5 blocks from our house, but they had never done it before!).

#3 Art

Cover the kitchen table with newspaper, add a few sheets of paper, some markers, crayons, colored pencils, or paint and then sit back and supervise your children’s creative genius at work! Or jump in and create with them. Art is hugely therapeutic, so this one is going on the “to be continued even after April” list. The only problem we’ve had with this one is that they don’t want it to end and eventually we need the table back for dinner!

A friend of mine also suggested playing with modeling clay and I am constantly amazed at how long my children will sit and play with their clay. They trade colors with each other, help each other, and enjoy destroying their creations almost as much as making them! If your child is still putting things into her mouth, you may want to use play dough instead. While the clean up is a bit more intensive with play dough, toddlers sure do love the texture and feel of it, and it helps them develop manual muscle control which prepares the hand for writing later.

#4 Board Games

I’ll admit, I really don’t enjoy board games, I’m more of a puzzle person, but since we’ve gone screen free I have seen the grandparents bring out more board games, dominoes, the marble track, and other toys and games that engage the imagination. I’m always amazed at how much my kids enjoy winning a board game. We do have a few cooperative board games that I enjoy a bit more than the competitive ones. Hoot Owl Hoot is a big favorite of my 3 year old’s.

 

#5 Imaginitive play

The ability to play imaginary games is quickly becoming a lost art of childhood due to the overuse of screens and technology. Unfortunately, this skill is incredibly important to proper cognitive development and the development of the prefrontal cortex. Self-control, planning, and many of our higher cognitive functions rely on our ability to imagine and plan for multiple possible scenarios. This is part of the reason that the storyline curriculum is so successful.

Since we’ve cut out screens, my son often asks, “Will you play with me?” and then happily engages in whatever type of play we’re up for. Playing catch has been a big hit, but I’ve been trying to engage his imagination more and I can already see a positive result! After a couple of weeks of playing a few different imaginary games I now hear him playing by himself more often. He describes the situation to his stuffed animals, talks in different voices, and creates elaborate story lines.

I am feeling so grateful that my son’s Montessori preschool has challenged us to a screen free April! Without the challenge (and the incentive) I wouldn’t have realized how unnecessary much of the screen time was and how much more we’re connecting with each other, now that we’ve cut it out. This is going to give me much more of a backbone when it comes to saying no to screen time in the future too. Now that we’ve developed so many great alternatives, and we’ve broken the habit, I’m guessing that my kids will be asking much less often and watching considerably less.

Gratitude for YOU

To all my childless friends, thank you for being true to yourself. Thank you for being auntie to my kids. Thank you for reaching out and taking me to lunch or to tea so I can remember what it’s like to just be with women. Thank you for not judging me and my decision to have children. Thank you.

And to my friends who are currently childless but not by choice, thank you for your bravery. Thank you for trying and hoping and praying and accepting and grieving and through it all, still loving. Thank you for going through a fertility journey that I cannot fathom. Thank you for adopting. Thank you for waiting until you’ve met a partner that wants to go on the journey of parenthood with you, or not! Most of all, thank you for being my friend, even when it’s hard or you’re envious of what might seem like my “perfect” and “easy” life.

And to my single parent friends, thank you for reminding me how easy my life actually is, even when I feel like I couldn’t possibly cuddle, hold, or bathe another body, let alone fix another sandwich. Thank you for being Super Woman or Superman. Thank you for still texting and calling, even though I have absolutely no idea how incredibly busy your life is. And thank you for sharing your humanity with me. I am humbled and honored to know you.

And to all the dads out there, thank you. Thank you for being involved in your child’s life. Thank you for stepping up and providing for your kids financially. Thank you for every time you’ve roughhoused or run, or played a game. Thank you for teaching your son how to be a strong and vulnerable man. Thank you for protecting your daughters. Thank you for every single tear and every frustrated roar. Thank you for being you.

And to my friends who feed formula, use disposable diapers, have a house filled with plastic contraptions for your baby, or send your kids to daycare, I’m sorry. I’ve judged you and thought I was right. I’ve tried to urge you toward my own beliefs or practices. And now that I have a second child, I get it. Now that I’m working outside the home and juggling two kids, I understand that I was speaking from a place of ease and privilege. And I’m sorry.

Now I’m not saying that I won’t judge you again, or that I don’t hold on to some of my beliefs more strongly than others. But if that judgment or urging has hurt you or driven you away, I’m sincerely sorry for that. And just so you know, I am using disposables with my second child. There, I’ve admitted it. Please don’t bite my head off.

Yes it’s MUCH more expensive and… it takes less time. And right now as I juggle multiple jobs, motherhood, and starting a Montessori charter school, I need every second I can squeeze out of my day. I will pay extra for disposables that are plant based, because I can’t put a diaper on my child without knowing what’s inside it. But if you use a major brand of disposable diapers, I get it. You do what you can. It’s not worth fighting over. Let’s celebrate one another instead of judging so much.

What I most want is a world where our diversity is celebrated, rather than divisive. I want a world where we can all support one another, even when we disagree. No, I wouldn’t circumcise my child, and I do believe it’s a child’s right to choose whether he wants to be circumcised. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be your friend, just because you chose differently than I did.

Instead of making each other wrong, or thinking that everyone should choose the exact same life we’ve chosen, let’s appreciate each person’s individuality. Everyone has a path to walk, and we can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s reality. So instead of getting irate, let’s get compassionate. Instead of rolling our eyes and thinking, “How could they do that?!” let’s take a deep breath and remember, I would probably have chosen the same thing if I were in their shoes.

There’s one more group of people that I desperately want to acknowledge here. To the people of color in my world, I have no words. I’m sad and ashamed at how you’ve been treated throughout history, and especially how you’re still treated in “modern” society. I’m sorry that you can’t walk down the street safely or feel safe when a police officer approaches you. I’m sorry that people in stores watch to make sure you’re not stealing, even though I have probably shoplifted far more than you have (yes, I was young and dumb and I got away with it).

I want you to know that I appreciate your strength, but I wish you didn’t have to be so strong. I am so proud that we have our first black president, but so sad that it won’t erase racism in our country. When I look at you, I marvel at how absolutely beautiful your dark skin is and wish I had more people of color in my inner circle. I wish my daughter had more diversity in her classroom. I wish you could have the privilege that I have been born with and have taken for granted for my whole life. Mostly, I want to say thank you for existing and for fighting and loving and living despite all the hardships great and small that have befallen you. You are my hero.

All this is to say, I’m feeling especially grateful for all the amazing people in my life. You make my life so rich and beautiful. I don’t know what I’d do without you, but luckily, I don’t have to! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Love, Shelly

PS If you haven’t yet, go check out my friend Heather’s newest free offering of awesome online classes and speakers here.

PPS I also recently recorded a new free class with Heather that airs on this Friday! You can find it here.

My 10 Most Popular Posts of 2013

Wow, 2013 was quite a year, wasn’t it? I started working as the office manager at my husband’s chiropractic office, continued coaching, spoke at a conference, and suffered a missed miscarriage. I also got my first tattoo and got pregnant again!

Our daughter Julia started preschool at River Song School, a wonderful non-profit Montessori school here in Bend, OR. And ever since she started school, it seems like she, my husband and I have been fighting off one cold or illness after another.

Through it all, I’ve done my best to keep writing and connecting with other like-minded parents, like you. This year on my blog I’ve had the most page views, shares, and newsletter sign ups ever! So thank you so much for being here and supporting my work and my passion. And may 2014 be our healthiest and happiest year yet.

These were the top 10 most popular posts of 2013:

1)   The Little Known Secret to Happier Healthier Kids

2)   8 Breastfeeding Myths That Make Me Want to Scream

3)   5 Habits That Make Parenting Easier

4)   12 Ways to Encourage Failure and Why You Definitely Want to Do it

5)   7 Secrets to Getting Kids to Clean Up Joyfully

6)   12 Easy Ways to Help Kids Unplug

7)   8 Ways to Help Kids with Anger

8)   7 Destructive Parenting Myths

9)   7 Keys to Getting Kids to Listen

10) What Everybody Ought to Know About Talking to Kids About Sex

Oh, one more thing, if you have suggestions of topics you’d like me to write about this year, you can share your questions or ideas in one of three ways. 1. Comment here 2. Comment or send me a message on my Facebook page or 3. Email me at shelly@awakeparent.com I always love your help coming up with relevant topics!

4 Secrets to Mindful Giving During the Holidays

Guest Post by Megan deBoer

As parents, we are often filled with conflicting desires during the holidays: we want to satisfy our children’s wishes, we want to make the holiday magical, we want to create our own family traditions all without causing financial stress and unwelcome credit card bills.  And so we try to plan…

Yet despite our best planning, there can come a moment during the whirlwind and heightened emotions of the holiday season when we find ourselves making impulsive, reactive, and unconscious spending choices.  We can be swept up in the mood, the beautiful display, the “deal!” and the hectic pace of it all.  It is easy to loose our bearings.

I have found that in moments like these I need some grounding.

To ensure that you are making mindful choices, run the following assessment when considering the purchase of a gift.  If the questions cannot be answered on the spot, it is important to pause, put the item on hold, possibly leave the store, and give yourself the time – and space – to come to a decision that feels right.  You haven’t said no yet, you are simply exploring a new process of mindful spending!

Assessing a mindful GIFT

GENEROUS–

Is this gift Generous in spirit?  Thoughtful giving is a true art.  The amount spent does not reflect your generosity by itself.  Young children are easily delighted with something that engages their imagination.   Our adult value scale does not apply.

INTENTION–

What is my Intention in giving this gift?

  • Is this something I always wanted as a child but never received?
  • Am I worried that if my child doesn’t receive X that they could experience disappointment?  Is that uncomfortable for me to imagine?  Will I experience disappointment if I cannot give this to my child?
  • Is it uncomfortable for me to compare my gift to what others will be giving?  To what their friends will receive?  To what I have given in the past?
  • Am I afraid that what I have already gotten won’t be ‘enough’?
  • Will this gift satisfy a long awaited wish for my child?
  • Will this gift inspire my child – who they are right now – and add joy to their life?

FAIR –

Is the cost of this gift Fair to our family’s resources?  Does it fit into my spending plan?  If not, is there a creative way that I can give this gift (or an alternate) responsibly?

TIME —

Will my child have the necessary Time – and space – to enjoy this gift?  Our children are given gifts from many family members – for birthdays and holidays.   It can be overwhelming for them to receive more gifts than they can actually enjoy in their available time.

We can justify most spending – especially to our children – if we craft the right story to tell ourselves.  But giving mindfully means we give generously, with clear intention, in a way that is fair to our resources, and honors the time and space our children must have in order to receive and enjoy the gift.

Our gifts have the amazing ability to become a symbol of our love in tangible form. Sometimes they feed our souls and sometimes our bodies, like the Manly Man edible arrangements a friend of mine received last year. Our gifts can also hold unintended and unconscious messages.  Our unconscious spending does not serve us, or our children, in the way we may hope.

This season, give mindfully and trust that your love is the purest gift – in tangible or intangible form.  Exaggerate the magic, the mystery, and the endurance of love in your celebrations.  Share your own joy abundantly with your children and spouses in the traditions that give meaning to you – this is a gift that your children will pass to your grandchildren, and all the children who will come after them.

May you have a joyous holiday season, mindfully celebrating and sharing all the joy you have in your life!

Megan deBoer is a certified Financial Recovery? Counselor, and mother of two rapidly growing girls.  She supports couples and individuals across the country as they craft a healthy relationship with their money.  Visit TendedWealth.com to find out more.

How Inviting Rebellion Makes Your Life Much Easier

Rebellion. It’s often seen as a dangerous and incredibly irritating part of parenting. But the truth is that rebellion is a crucial part of human development. I know, I know, it’s super annoying when the first thing out of your child’s mouth is “NO!” and you’re trying desperately to find non-violent ways to get your child to perform the necessary tasks of daily life.

And the key to my sanity during this time has been two fold.

First, recognize that rebellion is actually a good thing.

Whaaat??? Yes, that’s right. Rebellion means your child realizes that he’s an individual with his own desires, which are separate from yours. While that might be uncomfortable for us, it’s quite a milestone for our kids. They’re learning to assert themselves and to take a stand, even when it might not be popular. The practice they’re engaged in now, rebelling against you, could help them resist peer pressure later, which is something we all want our kids to be able to do.

The second realization which has made my life MUCH easier during this transition to more independence and autonomy is simply this:

what we resist, persists.

When I’m doing all I can to force my daughter to do what I want despite her arguments, she will resist me. In a way it’s her JOB to resist me. How else can she establish herself as separate from me?

So I’ve implemented a strategy that magically meets everyone’s needs. I invite the rebellion. I create opportunities for my daughter to “rebel” in ways that actually help me out. Her resistance suddenly becomes useful, rather than annoying. I protest loudly about how much I DON’T want her to put on her shoes, climb into her carseat, go to the bathroom independently, or put away her toys. I go over the top, whining, yelling, and carrying on.

My daughter loves this. She knows that it’s a game, but it still seems to meet her needs for rebellion because she gets to say, “No! I’m going to do it MY way.” And she delights in my moans and groans about how I’m not getting what I want. She feels powerful and in charge of herself and she thinks it’s hilarious to see me bumbling and fumbling and inept.

The fact that we both understand that this is a game makes it SO MUCH easier for me too. Because struggling to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do is really quite painful for both of us. And it often leads to tears when I give up on convincing her and instead force her into compliance. While it does happen sometimes, I find that using force almost never leaves us feeling more connected afterward. We inevitably have the, “Mommy, you hurt my feelings,” conversation and I end up apologizing and lamely trying to justify my actions.

So instead, I’ve been practicing strategically giving up my power. My daughter still knows that I’m in charge and that if I feel it’s necessary, I can force her to do things like give me the scissors. Although there is a limit to how long we can rely upon our greater size, strength, and cunning to overpower our kids.

I’d rather cultivate a strategy that allows her to feel powerful and free, even as she’s doing the very things I want.

I don’t see this as tricking her, since we both know it’s a game. Instead, it’s helping her to exercise her rebelliousness in a healthy and productive way. I’m engineering the game so that it’s a win-win.

Children long to be powerful and independent, which is a good thing, since they’ll go from infants to adults in a mere 18 years. And by the way, when they’re teenagers they’re likely to rebel again. Will we be able to invite the rebellion and create win-win opportunities then too?

There are lots of ways to play games that allow your child to be the powerful one. And I find that playing power games meets children’s needs for power and rebellion so that much of the time they’re far more cooperative and compliant.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1)   Oh no, don’t take my hat! Give me back my hat!

2)   Rats! I don’t have anyone to help me carry this to the car. How will I get this to the car? I can’t carry it myself because I’m not strong enough…

3)   Oh gee, I forget what happens next. I wish someone would help me remember what we do before we leave the house. I keep forgetting!

4)   Gosh, I really don’t want to read stories tonight. But if you get ready for bed quickly, I’ll HAVE to. Oh please don’t MAKE me read! Ut oh, she’s already got her pajamas on.

So here’s your challenge for the week. Identify a consistent power struggle or a time when your child is likely to rebel and plan a couple of possible power games or new strategies that you could employ that would meet everyone’s needs. How can you invite the rebellion?

Then, write to me here in the comments section to let me know how it goes! I would LOVE to hear about your journey.

And have a fantastic week. Warmly, Shelly