making choices as parents – Page 7

May 5, 2011March 26, 2012

Financial consciousness

It’s spring-cleaning time! Hooray! Out with the old and in with the new. Flowers are blooming, trees are budding and leafing out, and my husband and I are taking a good hard look at our finances. Ouch.

I don’t know about you, but becoming aware of exactly what is happening in my financial life is challenging for me. Recording my spending and then analyzing it is frightening. Creating and sticking to a budget feels foreign, and planning our financial future feels like sitting at the bottom of a very deep well and inching my way up brick by brick. And then there’s the issue of increasing our income and decreasing our bottom line. So now I’m hyperventilating. Well, not really, but you get my point.

But the thing is, if we don’t pay attention to our finances, we will continue to live paycheck to paycheck, never really saving for our future, and as retirement approaches we’ll be up a creek without a paddle. On the other hand, if we take a good look at our finances and bring the light of awareness to our earning, spending, saving and such, we actually have the ability to set goals and strive for them.

And if there’s one thing I know from years and years of personal development, it’s that setting a goal is the quickest way to make a change. When we strive for things, we can often achieve much more than we would otherwise.

Now here’s the kicker, if we turn away from the responsibility of our financial future, we’re not just hurting ourselves anymore, we’re hurting our children too. And not just because we can’t provide the things we want to give them. I mean sure, it’ll be nice to know that we can actually afford to buy our kids healthy food and fun toys, or maybe we plan to save up for their college education. But the real disservice comes in our children’s dysfunctional relationship to money.

We are always teaching our kids. No matter how much we’d like to pretend they’re not learning things unless we intend to teach them, the truth is, they’re absorbing our relationship to money. They will use our financial health as a template on which to build their own beliefs about money.

That’s not to say that they’ll be the same as we are. Some kids grow up in poverty, don’t like it, and go on to become millionaires. Others grow up in decadence, never learning the value of hard work or the need to earn money, and end up in poverty. Still others consciously choose one road or the other, or something in between.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we have a unique opportunity to help our children develop a healthy relationship to money. But first, we have to start by healing our own relationships to it. After we’ve examined our thoughts, beliefs, and actions around money and taken responsibility for our finances, we can teach our children to do the same.

I’m guessing we’ve all had the experience of telling our children no when they ask for something in line at the grocery store. But I’m curious how we will tell them no and what message about money they will get from that. Is it because “we can’t afford it” or because “we don’t choose to spend our hard earned money on candy” or will we remind them of that great vacation we’re saving up for? I wonder how we can make our conversations about money inspiring, informative, and age appropriate for our children.

This week, take a good hard look at your financial wellbeing. Are there areas that need your attention? If all that’s already handled (is it ever really all handled?), then set some financial goals. Finally, ask yourself, how will I teach my children about the beauty, wonder, and challenges of money this week?

Love to you all, Shelly

September 22, 2010June 20, 2018

Guest Blog: Top 10 tips to deal with me now that I’m a grandparent

This week’s blog is from my stepdad Jim:

I realize I’m working against my own interests here but, as someone who’s been a parent, I’ve got some advice for you on how to deal with grandparents now that you’ve just made me one.

1. You’re in charge: You think I’ve been overbearing in the past and maybe a little too free with unsolicited “advice?” Just wait! So remember, it’s your kid and until he starts making decisions for himself you – not me – get to make the decisions for him. That means you should feel free to tell me, “That’s not how we do things,” and to donate inappropriate (or extremely loud) gifts to Goodwill.

2. Ask for the help you want: I’ll be more than happy to hold the baby while you do the dishes or babysit while you go to the store but (and this may come as a shock) I probably won’t think to offer to do the dishes or go to the store for you. However, I (probably) will if you ask.

3. It’s OK to dump the kid occasionally: It’s hard to imagine now but soon you’ll need some time away from the little sprout. Before you drop the kid off you should realize that – in spite of what you may believe – I have a life. On the other hand, I’ve never been a grandparent before and it will take a lot of imposing before I notice.

4. Ignore me: While my opinions and advice are unusually well reasoned and insightful you may – on very rare occasions – not find them useful. In that case you should feel free to ignore them. You should however remember that I did help raise you and look how well you turned out! Continue reading “Guest Blog: Top 10 tips to deal with me now that I’m a grandparent”

September 8, 2010June 20, 2018

Guest Blog: Conscious parenting: A stepparent’s perspective

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This week’s guest blog is from my stepdad Jim:

As a person “of a certain age,” I have to admit to an occasional bit of amusement at Shelly’s parenting tips. Some seem a little odd (as I suppose my ideas about parenting seemed to my parents) and some just seem like old ideas dressed up in new words. But the basic theme of this blog, Conscious Parenting, isn’t a concept I ‘d encountered before and it’s one that has a lot of meaning for me as both a stepparent and a biological one.

I believe that being Shelly’s stepdad helped me be a much better parent when my son came along later. I believe that because, in my experience, becoming a stepparent is a much more conscious decision than becoming a parent the old-fashioned, biological way. It may seem counter-intuitive but think about it.

When you meet someone with a child and decide whether the relationship is worth pursuing, the presence of the kid is a major factor in your decision. And the kid usually isn’t just a cute little, happy paperweight of a baby but a complex, confounding and totally unique individual. The developing relationship isn’t just hugs and kisses; it’s a tricky three-way negotiation of how you will fit into a preexisting family unit. By the time you walk down the aisle you have a pretty good idea of what you’re getting into and you know when you say, “I do” you’re committing to parenting as well as marriage.

Contrast that with the way we become biological parents (and I’m not talking about the mechanics here). We talk about “starting a family” or “having children” but rarely do we ask our spouse or ourselves if we want to become parents. Once we’ve decided to have kids (assuming things work out) we have nine crazy months to plan for the birth, hold showers and decorate the baby’s room. We might even take a “parenting” class but the odds are the class will focus on infants and probably substitute an inanimate doll for the baby.

While we might occasionally lose sleep over the sudden realization that, “OMG, I’m going to be a parent,” we usually get past it without really coming to grips with what that means.

Personally, I didn’t accept the reality of parenting my son until one night when he was a couple of months old and I found myself standing in the parking lot of the local grocery store tossing Pampers (forgive me for I have sinned) into the trunk of my car. As I stood there, staring at the Pampers and wondering, “How the heck did this happen?” I realized I once again had a commitment to make: accept the responsibility to parent my child or run from it (figuratively or literally). I pulled myself together and drove home.

Whether you’re a step, biological, foster, adoptive or some other type of parent, that commitment to parent (rather than just be a parent) is the core of Conscious Parenting. And it’s not a commitment you make once and move on, but one that needs to be continually and consciously renewed as your child grows and changes and offers you the chance to grow and change with her.

Please share your thoughts about your own parenting journey in the comment box below.

And have a good week,

James Cook

Jim is Shelly’s stepfather and a grandparent. When he’s not busy spoiling the kids (or Shelly) he’s running for the Deschutes County Board of Commissioners

James Cook
www.cookfordeschutes.com
cookfordeschutes@gmail.com
facebook.com/cookfordeschutes/

August 18, 2010July 30, 2010

Guest Blog: How to intervene when other adults disrespect your child

eye child This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

I’m happy to be back at AwakeParent.com as a guest blogger today. I wanted to share with you some thoughts on dealing with other adults in your life who interact with your children. As parents striving for greater consciousness, I have found it can sometimes be painful when other adults interact with our precious children in ways that don’t support the experience we’re trying so hard to create.

At times, I have both asked and been asked by other adults to treat a child differently. This hasn’t gone very well! The time I was asked not to interact with a child in the way I wanted to I felt a sense of shame, even though intellectually I agreed with the parent’s boundary. What happened? I touched a child’s hair without permission. Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps, but really, how would I feel if someone I didn’t know reach out and started fondling my tresses, rather than ask? I could see in the parent’s eyes that that was exactly what he was tuned into. I got it; still, I felt small.

I have also not found a way to make such a request of another adult that feels both compassionate and authentic. When I have made such requests, it’s also felt alienating, rather than connecting. It seems no one likes to hear, “Please don’t do that to my child.”

Here’s what I think is going on, and what we can do about it. One, I think a vulnerable part of us comes forth when we connect with a child. I want to treat this part of myself and others with gentleness and compassion, so I want to honor all good faith attempts to connect with children. Two, if I intervene on his behalf, I do my own child a bit of a disservice. I exercise my autonomy instead of allowing him to exercise his. At the same time, I want to intervene if it looks like my child would rather not be experiencing what’s happening.

So, if my son looks uncomfortable though not in danger (or being tickled), or like he’s just tolerating something an adult is doing, I ask him, within the other person’s earshot, and with a lighthearted attitude, “Is that okay with you?” Often he says “no,” and almost always the adult apologizes to him, and does not seem offended. This way, I’m also training my son to check in with himself, and ask “Is this OK with me?”

I think most adults genuinely want to connect with children in mutually consensual ways, but we feel awkward because we so seldom see this kind of behavior modeled for us. I still feel slightly embarrassed sometimes when I do manage to treat my child with complete respect, because it’s not what I’ve seen modeled. However, occasionally someone will say they were touched or moved by how I interacted with my son. Maybe we can all help to awaken in each other our deep yearning for all beings, large and small, to be treated with complete respect.

Back in real life, our beloved friends and relatives may not follow our lead as quickly as we would like—or at all, for that matter—people generally default to what they’re familiar with. However, what I’ve noticed is that the more we can respect and embrace the adults’ loving intentions at the same time as we model respect for our children (by lightheartedly asking the child if what’s happening is OK with them), the less likely we will be to trigger shame in the other adult, and to feel triggered ourselves. I want to remind myself and others that we adults are always doing the best we can with the young people in their lives. I want us all to try to support each other where we are, even as we hold out possibilities for where we might be.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this.

Warmly,

Jill

Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation

August 4, 2010July 30, 2010

Guest Blog: So, Who’s Calling the Shots? And How?

brar01_kazdin This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

I was a kid – a very good kid – who knew what it was like to be raised on a very short leash. For this reason, when I had my own little one, I was more than committed to allowing her the freedom which I had been denied. The trouble was, by the time she’d reached a year and a half, I found myself with a little tyrant running my house. Or should I say her house!

I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh. I cannot imagine what the ‘terrible twos’ will bring, let alone the teenage years, when this is what I’ve got to reckon with now!” That was the moment this insight came to me; a beautiful, timeless insight that remains true to this day (she’s 12 now) and has proved since to be just as extraordinarily effective and beneficial for every other child who as fallen under my care.

I must meet this young person’s energy directly, in equal measure to what is coming at me. Not one ounce more – or I’m the bully and that’s painful to us all – and not one ounce less, or she’s the one running the show, and at 18 months she is not yet qualified to run the show!

If you tune in to your own body as well as to the child’s after having met his or her energy directly and equally, I am certain you will experience the same visceral relief that I do. Whenever the force is met with equal measure, it neutralizes it. The child will actually relax in that neutrality. After all, it’s tough to run the world!

In that moment, the little person will know he or she is safe and that someone else who is wise and capable is now holding down the fort. All is well. And you, too, will relax in your own power-sans-aggression, your own natural place in the universe as the human being in the room with the most life experience. Continue reading “Guest Blog: So, Who’s Calling the Shots? And How?”