making choices as parents – Page 8

July 21, 2010November 30, 2012

A Special Letter to My Soon to Be Born Baby

Lowres-4-cropped When I was a teenager I was flipping through my baby book and I saw a letter my mom had written to me before I was born. It was sweet and heartfelt and at that moment I knew on a deeper level how very wanted I was and how special I was to my mom even before she met me for the first time. It has always been important to me that I make a conscious choice to become a parent and that I wait until I’m really ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood. So here I am, just two weeks away from my “guess date” and I’ve decided to write a letter to my baby to welcome him or her.

I notice that the closer I get to giving birth, the more my thoughts are turning inward. I’m beginning to focus on the center of my universe more than ever before. I’m preparing my nest, connecting with my husband, and enjoying the quiet alone times. So, rather than sharing some new parenting tip or technique, this week, I’m just sharing from my own heart. I’m glad to know that I can share so personally here along with all the other ways I share. And I hope you enjoy this special blog. So, here’s my letter to my about to be born baby.

Dear Baby,

Wow, you’re almost here and we are so excited to finally meet you. Your dad and I have been waiting for you for 9 long months and pretty soon we’ll get to see you, touch you, and gaze into your beautiful eyes. I’m especially looking forward to holding you in my arms and nuzzling your sweet smelling head. Let’s spend hours together just cuddling, nursing, sleeping, and enjoying life together.

I can’t wait to be your mama. I’ve been preparing for motherhood since I was a young girl and I feel so ready to welcome you into my life. I’ve studied everything I could about how to be a good parent, how to help you learn and grow, and how to be the best example I can be for you. I’ve even practiced by taking care of lots of other babies and kids, but really it was all for you. Taking care of you and teaching you how to take good care of yourself sounds like the most fun and rewarding thing I could possibly do in my life. Thanks for helping me fulfill my life’s purpose. Continue reading “A Special Letter to My Soon to Be Born Baby”

June 16, 2010October 24, 2012

The Importance of Time Away From Your Kids

I know I’m usually sharing all sorts of ideas for activities with kids or ways to handle conflict lovingly, but today I want to talk about the importance of taking time AWAY from your kids.

We all need alone time but I hear from a lot of parents that they feel guilty when they take time away from their kids. Let me allay your fears. Yes, you are your child’s biggest influence and the people they most need to connect with, AND it’s absolutely healthy and good for them to develop relationships with other adults.

If you have a nanny, babysitter, aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves your children, please give them the opportunity to have a closer relationship with your kids by going away for the weekend, having a date night, or going to a yoga class. It’s good for you and it’s also really good for your kids.

When young people have the opportunity to develop strong bonds with people other than their parents, they become more well rounded, better able to adapt, and they’re exposed to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things. This all provides variety and learning that you can’t give to your kids otherwise.

A study recently came out showing that children who had two parents who participated in their upbringing, specifically, kids who had a relationship with their fathers as well as with their mothers had higher IQ’s than kids who only had a mother in their lives. In fact, researchers could tell who had had a father’s influence during childhood when they looked at the IQ scores of people in their 20’s!

What can we infer from this study? Well, I for one, think that if two parents are better than one parent, then even more caring adult influences are likely to benefit your child too.

Maybe I’m biased, because after my parents divorced and remarried, I ended up with four loving parents who cared for me, connected with me, and shared their world-views with me. I even spent a couple of school years going over to my grandparents’ house after school, so I had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with my grandma and grandpa.

As a kid, I loved getting new perspectives and ideas from the adults in my life and I often tried to emulate the best qualities I could find in each of them. As a result, I think I turned out to be a pretty great, well adjusted, and compassionate person. I also got the idea that I was a pretty lovable and likable person, because I had a bunch of wonderfully supportive adults who enjoyed my company.

OK, now that I’ve convinced you that it benefits your child to spend time away from you, what about the benefits to you?! When you get time away you’re able to look at things from a new perspective. You might get some new insights into a recurring dynamic at home, or you might just relax and enjoy yourself, allowing yourself to let go and stop being responsible for another human being for a moment. Ahhhh, that feels pretty good.

The other thing that happens when you take time and space from your kids, whether it’s a weekend away or a few hours every afternoon, is you actually miss them! And that’s a VERY good thing for you and for your kids. When you get the space you need and you find yourself longing for reconnection with your kids, I guarantee the quality of your interactions when you reconnect will be much better.

On the other hand, if you’d rather force yourself to spend all of your free time with your kids, feel guilty for even wanting some space, and then build castles of anger and resentment, I guess that’s a valid choice. It just seems like a lot less fun for everyone.

So, this week’s challenge is to foster your child’s relationship with another adult by taking time for yourself. Try really pampering yourself and see how much you can enjoy it. Really let go of any residual guilt you may have felt in the past and relish your alone time this week.

Have a wonderful week. Warm hugs, Shelly

May 12, 2010May 12, 2010

What to do about potty talk

Isn’t it amazing what kids find funny? I’ve been surprised more than once by what seems hilarious to a 2, 4 or 6 year old. And then I remember, their sense of humor is just developing. Kids this age have a challenging time understanding word play and innuendo, but they do know that burps, farts, and poop are some of the funniest things around.

I’m guessing you’ve especially had an opportunity to witness this phenomena if you have a little boy but some little girls love potty talk too. Suddenly “poopy butt” or “potty head” is their new favorite nickname for everyone.

So, what to do? Well, first of all, recognizing that this is a normal stage of development can help you breathe deeply and relax a little when your child says “penis” for the tenth time that day or calls the lady checking you out at the grocery store a “fart face”. Patience is a huge key to allowing this stage to pass, but patience alone will probably not create the kind of verbal environment you’re wanting.

So, you’ll have to create boundaries, letting your child know what works for you and what doesn’t. I invite you to give a little here, and recognize that using potty talk is a way that your child is experiencing joy, laughter, and humor. But clearly it’s not appropriate to call the teacher names or to shout the names of certain body parts across the store. So the first step is to decide where your boundary is. And that can vary greatly depending on your own preferences. Continue reading “What to do about potty talk”

April 14, 2010April 14, 2010

Trusting Kids

kid-rock-climbing It’s easy to become overprotective of kids, especially our own. It’s as if we can suddenly see 10 steps ahead and we KNOW that something horrible is about to happen. But what if our children don’t actually need our warnings, fears, and concerns in order to keep themselves safe?

When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl. They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath. Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.

Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop. They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall. Amazing, right?! Continue reading “Trusting Kids”

April 7, 2010April 7, 2010

The art of surrender

Parents are the ultimate experts on the art of surrender. You have to be. If we didn’t surrender to the reality of our lives as parents, we’d be miserable and struggling constantly! Instead, we learn to go with the flow, relax and let go, and accept what is. Before I was pregnant I never realized how soon this process begins. But during the first few months of pregnancy when I was nauseous unless I was constantly eating protein, I realized that I was in practice mode for parenting already. I had to let go of my own desires and eat what my baby needed. And at first I felt I was forced to surrender.

As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve become more artful in my ability to surrender and accept what is happening to my body and what will soon be happening to my life and to my priorities.

I’m taking a fabulous birthing class called Hypnobabies in which I’m practicing self-hypnosis to help me be more relaxed and comfortable during birth. As a part of my homework I listen to pregnancy affirmations every day that say things like, “I completely accept my pregnant body.” And “The changes in my body are beautiful.” Boy am I grateful for that CD! Without it, I can imagine myself feeling upset every time I grow a size, or whenever someone says, “Whoa! You’re ONLY 5 months? You’re HUGE!” But with my daily affirmations, I’m much better able to surrender, accept, and enjoy the process of giving over my body to pregnancy and to nourish my healthy baby.

And to any bio moms out there, I KNOW you’ve experienced the surrender that comes with motherhood, simply because you’ve been through the process of birth. No matter what your birth experience was, I’m certain there was a moment when you realized that there is no turning back, no choice, only surrender into what must happen next. And from what I’m learning about birth, I’m betting that the better you were at relaxing and letting go, the smoother and easier your birth was.

What a great way to prepare for parenting during infancy, toddler-hood, childhood, and the teenaged years! Sometimes I’m amazed by how perfectly nature prepares us for what’s to come.

Some of my first memories of the beauty of surrender came during my own childhood as I watched my mom and step-dad have an argument. Continue reading “The art of surrender”