Parenting tips – Page 6

December 8, 2009March 3, 2012

The beautiful urge to bite and what to do about it

Young people are discovering their world and constantly coming up with strategies to meet their needs. Sometimes these strategies cause pain and upset in others and are experienced as destructive.

The most common examples of destructive behaviors in 1-5 year olds are hitting and biting. Older kids often use their words to destructive means. And teenagers do all sorts of behaviors that we adults see as destructive and dangerous. But what if we were able to see the beautiful needs behind these behaviors and redirect kids in a way that helps everyone experience more peace and joy?

Redirection is a wonderful tool that will help you help your child. When we can offer another option that’s less destructive, kids will often gladly take our suggestions. After all, they’re usually not trying to hurt others, they’re just trying to meet their own needs.

When I was a nanny one of my charges began to bite his brother, other kids at the park, and even me and his mom. Ouch! I’ve heard all sorts of stories about what to do with a kid who’s biting from ignore it to bite him back. But I knew that biting a baby or young child was not going to work for me. I would certainly feel sad and guilty if I were to retaliate against such a young child (or any child for that matter). And ignoring a destructive behavior can just help it grow and become ingrained. So we tried another strategy–redirection.

First, we began to watch him closely and after some observation we discovered that there was a look in his eye just before he tried to bite. Next, we tried to understand what need he was trying to meet and we determined that when he needed space, he bit. He would usually try to bite in a situation when he was in a confined space, had another child touching his body, or when another child took the toy he was playing with.

So for starters, we tried to anticipate any situations that were likely to result in his desire to bite and diffuse the situation before he even got the idea. But we weren’t perfect, and sometimes he still got the look in his eye, opened his mouth, and tried to bite someone. We acted swiftly, removed him from the person he was about to bite and REDIRECTED his aggression toward his blanket. “It’s not OK to bite people, but if you need to bite, you can bite your blanket.” After a few weeks, “John” began to go and get his blanket whenever he had the urge to bite!

If you think about it, the urge to bite has helped us out immensely when it comes to eating. If we didn’t have a need to bite, we might never have discovered some of the delicious foods we eat today. So, ultimately, biting is a beautiful need, it just sometimes gets generalized to people and things that aren’t safe for biting.

A friend recently shared that her young son had begun to bite his bed frame and was damaging his bed and eating wood! She decided to redirect her son’s behavior so they found a heavy plastic fork and deemed it his “special biting fork”. Now when he has the urge to bite he asks his mom for his special biting fork, then he gnaws on it for a few minutes and hands it back to mom. I was talking to his mom on the phone the other day when he said, “Mom, can I please have my special biting fork?” and I found myself grinning from ear to ear. I’m so happy that he gets to bite something that’s safe for him!

There are lots of other behaviors that can be redirected into more constructive choices for kids. What have you tried? Which redirections have worked for you? I’d love to hear about your experiences with redirection. Thanks for being here!

November 30, 2009March 3, 2012

Rewind! A simple trick that really works.

Sometimes the best and simplest solutions are the hardest to remember. I’m not sure why that is. Back in the days when Shelly and I lived in the same city and taught classes “real-time,” one of the things we brought up frequently was that in real life, you don’t really get “rewinds,” where you can go back and start over. So we’d replay challenging situations and get to try out new behaviors so we could become comfortable with them.

However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.

The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.

And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened. Why is that?

I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.

This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”

When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go. Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!

Warmly,

Jill

November 11, 2009March 3, 2012

Another look at demands

We don’t blog much about, and certainly don’t advocate much for, demands. But sometimes a seemingly rash move like a demand can really shake things up–in good ways.

Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!

This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.

Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of. And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.

Continue reading “Another look at demands”

September 30, 2009March 19, 2012

Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!

Photo by Suzette Hibble

The other day I was chatting with a friend and she was complaining that whenever she sees her niece all she remembers from the experience is lack of cooperation and a seeming mantra of “No! No! No!” Her sister follows her niece around asking questions like “how about this?” or “what about that?” And the constant refrain is, “no, no, no.”

Wow, can I relate. I do not enjoy hearing “no” so in my work with kids I’ve learned some great strategies to avoid and get around the “no.” And then at other times, I’ve chosen to accept the no by tuning in to the yes behind the no. If you think about it, there’s always something we’re saying yes to, and often it’s related to the thing we’re saying no to. For instance, when I say no to a candy bar, I’m saying yes to my health and well-being.

On the other side of the spectrum I just visited some friends who do their best to say yes as much as possible and refuse to even use the word “no” with their son. I think that’s a fantastic practice since “yes!” often produces much more connection and excitement than “no.” How can you translate your no’s into yeses this week?

When I remember that kids are constantly trying to figure out the rules of life, the boundaries of those around them, and their own sense of autonomy and power I can understand why they would start using a powerful “no” just about as soon as they turn 2 years old. By remembering what kids are up to developmentally, I’m able to connect with those underlying needs, and I immediately have more compassion for the little one crying “NO!” with all her might.

So let’s start with what to do when you have the most capacity for compassion and we’ll move toward situations that are more challenging. Continue reading “Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!”

September 2, 2009March 2, 2012

One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go

It’s finally hitting my son—he has two homes now. He’s struggling to make sense of it, and sometimes lashing out at me. I mean really lashing out—hitting, telling me he doesn’t live with me any more, and that I’m not part of his family. I’ve been thrown for more loops than I can count in a very short period of time. And it’s always like a surprise kick in the gut.

I realized I was kind of going victim about it all. I was seeing these scenario’s as something that was “happening to” me—I was not helping create them, but just reacting to them—in very knee-jerk, disempowered ways: impotent rage, fighting him in petty power struggles, taking it personally, and giving up and getting depressed.

Finally it dawned on me: I could create exactly the scenario I wanted. Continue reading “One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go”