Author: Jill

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Conscious Despair

A lot of these tips sound great in theory, right? And anything is possible when we’ve got our wits about us. But what about those times when we’re really just about to fall into despair? (Or have already fallen?)

I confess: I’ve called Shelly and said, “Help! I feel like a hypocrite–here I am writing and teaching about parenting stuff and I’m about to lose it myself!”

Granted, I may feel more challenged with some of my child’s ways than other parents do with their children. But I think many of us at least once in a while find ourselves at–or over–the brink of despair when we most need energy to cope.

I’m learning that “losing it” can be an important part of the process. Certainly, if it’s happening, it’s part of the process no matter what. I’ve talked recently about How to be in charge and still stay connected, as well as Imagining ahead of time how things will go.

Now I want to say a few words about what to do with some of our own more unsettling emotions, like despair.

The other night I was doing my usual juggling act of trying to clean the kitchen, feed my son, and not forget to feed myself (he eats so few things our dinners are almost always separate).  It had been a hard day, and I was trudging along, doing what needed to be done.

As occasionally happens, he complained loudly about the food. That did it. I just didn’t have anything else in me to respond. So, I did what I’ve watched others do, but never had the nerve to do myself: I went limp. I said, “I can’t deal with this.” And I went into my room, closed the door and lay down.

Wow–what a moment. For once, I didn’t “make it okay.” It made me realize how much energy I spend all the time trying to “make it okay,” and here I was feeling not at all okay. And my son knew it.

Continue reading “Conscious Despair”

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One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go

It’s finally hitting my son—he has two homes now. He’s struggling to make sense of it, and sometimes lashing out at me. I mean really lashing out—hitting, telling me he doesn’t live with me any more, and that I’m not part of his family. I’ve been thrown for more loops than I can count in a very short period of time. And it’s always like a surprise kick in the gut.

I realized I was kind of going victim about it all. I was seeing these scenario’s as something that was “happening to” me—I was not helping create them, but just reacting to them—in very knee-jerk, disempowered ways: impotent rage, fighting him in petty power struggles, taking it personally, and giving up and getting depressed.

Finally it dawned on me: I could create exactly the scenario I wanted. Continue reading “One simple trick for hard times: Imagine how you want it to go”

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How to be in charge and stay connected

As part of launching our Perspectives on Feelings audio program, Shelly and I asked for your questions related to feelings, so we could get a discussion going around the topic. You might have seen our video blogs the last few weeks.

I’m giving the camera a rest and going back to the old familiar keyboard this week. One of you asked, “My son’s a wiggler. Sometimes I need to use force to put him in diapers, into a car seat, or other places. What do you recommend?”

Here are some things to keep in mind:

As the parent, you are in charge. As much as we try to create opportunities for autonomy, ultimately, you need to get the family from Point A to Point B. Your child relies on knowing this, and even if they fight you, they get a sense of comfort from you knowing that you’re in charge—this is probably even part of why it seems they’re testing you—to find out if they’re really in a stable container.

There are many ways to be in charge.  What happens before, during and after you exert force to make something happen, makes all the difference in how your child experiences it, and how your connection is impacted.

Before:
If you can think of it and remember to do so, giving your child two or three heads-ups before something happens will help them shift internally to prepare for it, so it’s not as much of a surprise. For example, “In five minutes, we’re going to get in the car to go to Grandpa’s, and I’m going to need to put you in the carseat.”

If you encounter resistance when it’s time to make the transition, here’s one trick that even works with my especially willful child:

“Do you want to go now, or in two minutes?”
(They’ll probably answer “in two minutes!”)
“Okay, we agree–yay! I’ll be back in two minutes to collect you”

This gives them a measure of autonomy. Remember, when they fight you, it’s not you they’re fighting—they’re fighting for their sense of autonomy, and to test the boundaries. It’s through this back-and-forth that they develop a feeling for who they are, and a sense of self-confidence. The more you can weave contained opportunities for autonomy into your everyday activities, the more cooperation you’ll get, because your child will pick up on your respect of him, and respond accordingly.

Okay, but what about when they’re all out, full-on fighting you? And you need to get out the door? Here are some more ideas:

During:

Here’s how to make the most of a situation where you need to exercise your will over theirs:

1)      Give the heads-ups, as above.

2)      Say what you need, what exactly what you’re going to do, and offer one last out: “I really need to get out the door because…I’m going to give you until three to come with me, then I’m going to pick you up and take you.

3)      DO IT LOVINGLY!!!  This is the most important. I understand you might feel frustrated and powerless—I often do! And we’ll address expressing your own big feelings to your kids soon. There are times when you might need to sound authoritative to get a response—just try to remember the love if you can.

4)       As you begin to interact, however, pay attention to your tone. There’s a huge difference between, Get in this car or I’ll haul you away with a crane! And Okay, sweetie, here we go, up, up and away, my little airplane! With the latter, you might even get a giggle.

After

Once you’ve decided on a course of action and enforced it, your child may have a lot of feelings: frustration, fear, anger, relief. If you can at least acknowledge and reflect back those feelings, you’ll add to the trust and connection between you.

Here’s the secret: You can listen to your child’s feelings without giving in. Conversely, you can be in charge and set the limits you feel comfortable setting, and still lovingly allow your child to have their feelings about how things are.

 

Let us know how it goes!
Warmly,

 

Jill

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My child is scared of so many things…

Wow–that was an experience–recording my first video blog! Apparently I have a bunch of technical things to learn. Let’s see how much better my second one gets.

But enough about me. Karin, one of our readers, had a question about responding to her child, who gets scared of lots of different things. I loved thinking out loud about this. Here’s my response:

 

This is just a beginning. You can hear Shelly and I talk at length on a broad range of topics involving feelings, ours and our children’s, in our new audio program, Perspectives on Feelings.

Please let us know what you think!

Warmly,

Jill

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Five keys to Conscious Parenting

The word “conscious” is bandied about quite a bit these days.

As a culture, it seems many of us are reaching toward greater awareness, trying to “wake up” and, if not transform, at least be aware of where we are in relation to where we want to be.

I Googled “conscious parenting” just for the fun of it, and aside from the giddiness of finding our site second on the list (thanks, Colin!), I was interested to see so many people using the phrase.

I thought of how so many of my friends are, or have been in therapy. The main issues I hear people dealing with are their pasts, especially their relationships with their parents, and how those past events impact the present: People say things to me like, “My dad never really listened to me;” or “My mom imposed her will on me so much, I never learned who I was;” “No one ever asked me how I was doing;” “My parents divorced, and I never found out what really happened;” “One of my parents drank, the other tried to cover it up;” Or in extreme cases, “I was hit/neglected/abandoned/sexually abused.”

Whether mild or extreme, we probably all know someone who had things happen to them in the past that they don’t want to repeat in the present. One of my favorite quotes is from Pam Leo, who said, “Let’s raise children who won’t have to recover from their childhood[s].” But aside from managing not to repeat some our parents’ biggest mistakes, how do we know we’re getting where we want to go?

Here are what I see as some of the keys of Conscious Parenting, things we can keep in mind when we wonder if we’re on the right track:

1. A sense of overall forward motion.  I may not be better at this today than yesterday, but six months from now, you’ll see a general upward trend in the graph of my parenting skill. Sometimes I might need to step back from the moment to see this.

2. The occasional pause to reflect. Rather than just keep moving, I actually stop and reflect, with compassion, on what’s happening.

3. An open mind and heart. I may have said or done thirty-seven things today I wish would have been different, and, I will listen to how this has affected others, and acknowledge those messages. I am human; I am doing my best; I am open to hearing how I have impacted those around me.

4. Doing what we can, ceasing to stress about what’s beyond our control. This insight is at the heart of much stress management thinking, and is also the message of the serenity prayer that is the credo of Alcoholics Anonymous. If we focus on what’s possible, and let go of what’s out of our reach, suddenly everything seems more manageable, more peaceful and less stressful. Try it!

5. Appreciate ourselves, our children, and everyone who contributed in any way to making us who we are. I appreciate myself as a parent, recognize no one can do this job perfectly, and choose to hold myself in a positive light, just as I strive to do with my children. Gratitude, when we remember and choose to feel it, has a way of putting everything else into a more calm and manageable perspective.

Full disclosure: This post may really be a message to myself. Four days ago, my son’s dad moved out. Because I had so much time to prepare, and because we lived together for a year and half after we ended our marriage, the transition has been just about as smooth as it can be. I feel surprisingly light. The family I made didn’t turn out as I planned, and I still feel some sadness about that. I also feel grateful for how we’re arranging ourselves in the aftermath. Yes, there were many things I couldn’t control.

But I am no longer “going through a divorce.” I am on the other side. I am embracing a new phase. And so is Cainan—he’s beside himself with joy that his new brother is finally in the same city. Like so many children (consciously or not) he wants to bring everyone together—and he does! When I stay focused on appreciating everyone, including myself, in this new phase, life looks pretty darn bright. It took a lot to get here, and I embrace that, too.  Today, anyway.

How about you, what helps stay conscious about being the kind of parent you want to be?

Please share your thoughts below.

Warmly,

Jill

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