Category: Attachment parenting

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Back to school separation anxiety

School is starting! What an exciting and stressful time. You’re probably rushing around purchasing school supplies and wondering how your child will separate at the door. Or maybe school has already started and your child is in the throws of separation anxiety, completely freaking out when you leave. Be assured, the transition can and will go smoothly, it’s just a matter of time and technique.

Transitions are almost always challenging for young people and that goes for both large and small transitions. Moving from bath time to bed can produce a lot of upset, so it makes sense that starting back to school (or starting school for the first time) would also cause some emotional ripples.

First, know that you are not alone. When I taught preschool there were always a few children in every class who had a difficult time separating at the beginning of the year. But after several weeks, everyone was transitioning joyfully.

Now, I’ll give you the same information and advice I gave the parents in the classroom that helped to resolve the upset quickly and fairly easily.

The most important thing about a morning school separation is that it is QUICK and that the parent is calm, comfortable, and relaxed. The more you can leave your own feelings of sadness, upset, and anxiety at home, the better your child will do.

I don’t mean to imply that you won’t HAVE upsetting feelings, just that you’ll do your best to experience and work through those feelings AWAY from the door of your child’s classroom. So, when you’re at the door, you’re projecting calm confidence, trust, and warmth. This is HUGE.

Why quick? The more time you spend helping your child get his things into his locker, making sure he has his lunch, asking the teacher about the schedule for the day, and giving him multiple hugs and kisses, the more time he has to recognize that you are uncomfortable (or that he is). Also, when your child sees you in and around his classroom, he begins to wonder why you can’t just spend your day at school with him. After all, you are one of his favorite people in the whole world, so why wouldn’t he want you to stick around?

What your child may fail to realize is that school is an opportunity for her to branch out socially and become more independent. It’s a growth opportunity and having a parent present could actually undermine her motivation to reach out to new friends.

But, when new friends and teachers are the only choice available, you’d be surprised how quickly children can acclimate and enjoy the new environment. Often, the kids who have the greatest separation anxiety are the same children who bond to the teachers and other kids quickly. The classroom becomes a new base of operations and they easily rely on their new community for the help and support they need. This is a very important skill.

Do you remember a time from your own childhood when you felt unsure, afraid, and you wanted to cling to someone or something familiar? Giving your child a keepsake, a slap bracelet, a hand stamp, or some other reminder of you can be a great way for your child to remain connected to you, even as she stretches her wings socially. But don’t go too crazy, leaving elaborate notes in her lunch every day. Take your cue from your child, what does she ask for and need?

Acknowledging your child’s feelings can help too, but again, be brief. Something like, “Honey, I know you’re feeling worried and that’s OK. I think some other kids are feeling the same way. If you need help, you can ask your teacher. I bet you’ll have a great day. I love you and I’ll see you at 3:00,” should be sufficient. And you can always talk more after school.

Next, if your child is having a difficult time separating, talk to his teacher and ask about their policy on separation anxiety. Some schools will call you if your child is inconsolable for longer than half an hour or so. Or it may be OK for you to call to check in. I always loved giving worried parents the news that their child was happily playing and working just minutes after they had left the room.

You’ve chosen to put your child in preschool, private, or public school for a host of reasons, so take a moment to ground yourself and feel into those reasons. You know what is best for your child, now it’s time to trust, let go, and enjoy the ride.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Why rough housing is good for kids

I get a lot of questions from concerned parents about rough housing, wrestling, and other physical play. Dads want to know if it’s OK to wrestle with their kids, and moms are concerned that somebody will inevitably get hurt. Often it seems that physical play of this sort does end with the younger or smaller child in tears. But as I was doing research for my thesis in 2007 I ran across some studies that changed my mind about so called “rough housing.”

One study in particular stands out in my mind. It was conducted on a playground where researchers observed boys playing a tackling game. Researchers thought that they would find the game to be violent and detrimental to kids, but they actually found just the opposite. They observed that in playing this seemingly violent game, rarely did anyone get hurt, and when someone did get hurt, the other boys reacted with caring and compassion toward their fallen playmate.

And, after failing to find what they were looking for, the researchers changed their tack and began to look for behaviors that showed kindness and caring, such as a pat on the back, a hug, or helping one another get up. They quickly realized that the vast majority of the interactions between the kids on the playground were those kind and caring gestures!

In fact, they further realized that it was because of the seemingly violent nature of the tackling game that kids were given more opportunities to offer a helping hand or a hug than they would have otherwise. So that’s when I realized, that with some clear ground rules, wrestling between kids or between kids and adults could actually be a really joyful and beneficial activity for everyone involved.

So the next time your child runs to you crying, “My brother hurt me!” you can see it as an opportunity to nurture and comfort your child (which builds your connection) AND as an opportunity to show an older child how to take even better care of his younger sibling (which will build their connection).

Now, I’m not recommending that you force your older child to offer disingenuous nurturing, rather, that you model for your children how to care for one another. I also think it’s useful to keep in mind that there have likely been lots of other moments when the older sibling did take care of the younger one, that you might not have seen. Of course, the opposite can also be true.

So, if you’re not sure what’s really going on between your kids, take some time to observe them together and keep a tally for yourself. How many times did they touch or hug in a loving way? How many times did they touch in a hurtful way? What was your favorite moment? Why? What kinds of things did they say to each other? Ideally, you would tuck yourself away in a corner and seem to ignore them, so that they can play normally, forgetting that you’re even in the room.

But do be careful not to allow your preconceived notions or biases to show up in your observations. An observation should be completely neutral and without judgment, such as “Carl jumped on the bed and Henrietta fell off,” rather than “Carl viciously knocked Henrietta off the bed.”

I mentioned ground rules earlier and here are the ones I like for wrestling and rough housing at my house:

1) We stop if someone gets hurt and help them

2) We stop when someone says stop

3) We only use our bodies and pillows (no hard objects)

4) We stay on the carpet or bed

I’m so curious, have you found rough housing to be a connecting activity at your house? What are your ground rules? Please share your wisdom with us!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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Nursing, co-sleeping, and having great sex

I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online lately about nursing and co-sleeping becoming a wedge between parents and negatively affecting their sex lives.  Sure, sleeping with a baby causes us to change the timing and sometimes the location of sex, but my husband and I have found a great way to keep romance alive while I’m nursing and co-sleeping with our daughter.  We like to call it “date nap”.

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is.  Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening.  Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage.  We absolutely love spending time just the two of us.  So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap.  Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids.   That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am.  So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter.  If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations.  It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids?  If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values?  I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids.  Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible.  Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

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It’s OK to cry

“Dagny III” by Christee Cook

Have you ever noticed that when a child cries, often the first things out of our mouths are things like, “You’re OK” (minimizing their experience) or “Oh no! Don’t cry!” (asking them to deny their experience) or even, “What’s wrong?!” (asking them to think about and describe the upsetting event).

None of these acknowledge the child’s feelings or provide an open, loving environment in which a child can fully feel and express his emotions. I know, it’s an unconscious reaction we have all had at one time or another, but this week it’s time to shine the light of awareness on the way we speak to an upset child.

So, if we could choose exactly how to respond, how would we? We might say something like, “I see you’re upset, do you need a hug?” or “Wow, that was really scary, wasn’t it?” or one of my personal favorites, “It’s OK to cry.”  We might even choose just to sit with them and witness their emotional expression.

I especially wish more boys were told that it’s OK to cry, because after all, it really is OK! In fact, people who are in touch with and at peace with their emotions will fare better in life than those who deny or stuff their emotions.

Studies have shown that holding in emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, can have long term negative effects on heart health. So, by encouraging kids to acknowledge and express their emotions, we’re helping to ensure a long and healthy life for them both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it can be uncomfortable for us to listen to a child who’s crying, wailing, or raging. But I think that’s because we all have our own withheld emotions that we’re fighting to keep hidden. If we felt free to express our emotions as they came up in the moment, we might not feel quite so uncomfortable when our children cry or scream. I’ve certainly found this to be the case in my own life.

For a long time I was uncomfortable with sadness. I didn’t acknowledge my own, and I definitely didn’t want to be around others who were upset. I did everything I could to soothe, redirect, or even ignore any sadness that I came into contact with. And then something shifted for me.

I was hanging out with some close friends of mine, and one of our friends just started to cry. I was a little bit uncomfortable, but I was more fascinated with how unashamed she seemed about her sadness. Pretty soon the crying turned into wailing and I realized that except in movies, I had never actually seen anyone wail! I was moved to tears myself and I came away from the experience realizing that expressing sadness could be deeply moving and beautiful.

I’ll never forget how my friend looked afterward. She was so open, beautiful, free, and light. I had never seen her look so gorgeous and so at peace. So I decided that sadness wasn’t actually something to be avoided at all costs. I realized that in fact, crying could be a relief and a release. And I began to allow my own tears to flow more freely.

I like to imagine my emotions like a big pipeline. When I was holding them in, my pipe was clogged and just a trickle of emotions was getting through. But after practicing to express and celebrate my emotions as they arise, I’ve opened up my pipeline and now all my emotions can travel through it with ease. Now I feel everything with more intensity and I love it!

I am able to cry in an instant, if I’m moved to, but I can also laugh more authentically and have even experienced tears of joy (which I used to think was a bunch of hooey).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children never had to go through the process of suppressing their emotions and then rediscovering them? What if they could feel and express their feelings without interruption for their entire lives?  I sure hope for that for my daughter.

So this week, pay special attention to how you automatically respond when a child is upset. Then make a conscious choice about how you WANT to respond and practice it. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so please leave me a comment below.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

P.S. If this topic is dear to your heart, check out my audio program Perspectives on Feelings for a more in depth discussion of holding space for big emotions.

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Building trust by telling the truth

As I listen to my daughter playing in her baby pool for the first time, with her Grammy watching over her, I feel so grateful for every experience we get have together.  And I can finally understand some parents’ almost pathological need to protect their children.

There are all sorts of dangers both seen and unseen in our world today and it can be overwhelming when we focus on what could go wrong.  A simple pool of water can become scary.  But sometimes we take the job of protecting our children too far.  By being honest with our kids, they may experience some pain, but they’re sure to fare better in life than they would otherwise.

When I talk with parents about being more honest with their children I hear all sorts of objections.  “Are you sure it’s appropriate to tell my child that?!” and “I don’t want to burden him with my feelings.”  But I think it’s a very slippery slope to withhold information from our children in order to “protect” them.  It actually seems to do just the opposite.  It hurts our kids when we don’t tell them the truth and they end up learning that they can’t count on us.

As a child, one of the things I admired most about my mom was how brutally, really, honest with me she was.  Granted, she didn’t offer a bunch of unsolicited information, but when I asked her a frank question, I knew I could count on her to answer honestly.

When I was five or six I asked my mom what the worst word in the world was.  And, after asking me to promise never to use it, she leaned down and whispered the “f word” into my ear.  I was shocked and in awe of my moms commitment to honesty.  And until I was a teenager, I never used it.  I was just curious, and I wanted to be prepared in case someone else used “bad words” in my presence.  Obviously it was a pivotal moment for me, considering I still remember it so vividly.

My mom was also very honest about sex, even when I was very young.  By the time I was 4 years old, I knew exactly where babies came from and I knew the scientific names of both male and female body parts.  As a teenager, talking to my mom about sex was easy because we’d already been talking about it for 10 years!  We had built a foundation of truth and trust that I knew I could rely on.

I’m so grateful for that foundation now, because as I got to know other girls and young women in my teens and twenties, I realized that my mom’s honesty was really quite rare.  Most of my friends’ moms had never talked with them about contraception or their monthly moon time, and as a result many of my friends were confused about the facts, unprepared to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy, and several of them ended up with unwanted pregnancies.

I want my daughter to be informed and well prepared for life on her own.  So I think I’ll take my mom’s approach and be truthful with my child about her body, sex, and even my own feelings.  I want her to have that same foundation of trust and a deeply ingrained knowledge that no matter what, she can count on me to be honest with her.

I can only hope that by talking with her about challenging topics now, when she’s young, it will make it that much easier for us to talk about the tough stuff when she’s a teenager and young adult.

I’m curious, what’s your experience with being brutally honest with your children.  Have you seen benefits from being committed to the truth?  Have you experienced the pain of disconnection when you weren’t honest?  Please leave me a comment and share your story below.

Have a fantastic and vulnerably revealing week, Shelly

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