Category: Child development

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Talking with Children About Death

Photo by Kat Caldera

My aunt died yesterday. I haven’t seen her in years but it still feels like a sock in the gut to realize that I’ll never hug her or talk to her again. She was such a fun and vibrant woman. Her death was unexpected and quite shocking to the whole family. My heart goes out to my uncle, cousins, and especially to her only granddaughter.

Death is such a strange part of life. The antithesis of life really, and also a great reason to savor every moment of life. We never know how many or how few moments we might have with our loved ones, so we’ve got to make every one count. In the case of a death within our inner circle of family or friends, we are forced to figure out a way to talk with children about this challenging topic.

In an ideal world, I would like to think that we can talk about death in the same straightforward way we talk about all sorts of things with our kids. But for most of us, death can bring up such dark and scary feelings that we have a tendency to tiptoe around it or offer confusing stories and explanations based on our spiritual beliefs.

I’ve decided not to wait until someone close to us dies to talk with my daughter about death. Instead, I use every opportunity to discuss death and dying and I try my best to be real and honest about it. Lately she’s been really into dinosaurs, which has led to a lot of conversation about death and extinction.

When we go to the High Desert Museum she’s fascinated with the stuffed displays and often asks, “Is it real or dead?” I usually ask her to tell me what she thinks. Death is a difficult concept for children to understand. The finality of it is elusive, the sadness adults experience around death is baffling, and because young kids are still working on forming their primary attachments, many of them have not yet experienced the pain of loss. And that’s OK. Personally, I’d like to put that experience off for as long as possible.

Unfortunately, it’s not up to us to decide when or how tragedy might strike. And if we’ve never even broached the subject of death with our children before, it can be even more difficult to initiate the conversation when we’re mourning.

I recommend introducing the concepts of death and dying in casual conversation and then waiting to see if your child has follow-up questions. The more centered and grounded we can be as we talk about death, the better, but if you find yourself feeling emotional as you talk with your child, just share your feelings honestly. “I’m feeling sad right now because I miss Grandma.”

One thing to watch out for when talking with children about death is the sleeping metaphor. Children take things very literally and don’t understand metaphor, so telling a young child that, “Spot is sleeping and won’t wake up anymore” can be terrifying for them. I’ve heard stories of children fighting sleep and waking with nightmares, because they’re fearful that they might never wake up. It’s better to avoid any connection between sleep and death until children are around 10-12 years old.

Personally, I also avoid talking about “heaven” or other spiritual aspects of death until children are curious or ask direct questions like, “What happens to us after we die?” And then I try to offer as unbiased an explanation as possible. “Well, our bodies rot away and nobody knows for sure what happens to the rest of us. Some people think we go to a place called ‘heaven’, what do you think?”

If a child directly asks me what I believe, I’m happy to share my thoughts and beliefs, but I would rather encourage them to come up with their own ideas about what might happen after our bodies die. If we wait until children initiate these deeper conversations about death, they often won’t happen until children are around 8-10 years old and for some, as late as the teen years.

I do think it’s best to decide with your partner how the two of you want to approach this topic with your children. Whether you agree on an afterlife or not, when you’re on the same page and give similar answers to your child’s questions, your kids will feel reassured that his parents have given the same information on the subject. On the other hand, if you introduce the concept of a soul and heaven and your husband is an atheist, you might have more explaining to do than you bargained for. Then again, what a great opportunity to discuss your own beliefs further!

So, I’m curious, have you talked with your child or children about death yet? What did you say? How did they respond? Is there anything I forgot to mention that you’d like to share with the other parents here?

I hope you’re having a nice week. Warm hugs, Shelly

More resources including a list of picture books about death: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001909.htm

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Learning is NOT Linear: The Ebb and Flow of Learning & Growing, Retreating & Regressing

When I first began studying child development I thought things happened in a pretty linear fashion. First you learn to crawl, then you walk, after that you learn to talk and so on. And if you study information about ages and stages, you can come to the same misinformed conclusion.

But after 20 years of experience with young people, I can tell you for certain, learning is not linear. Children might learn and grow in one area and retreat and regress in another and they can do it all at the very same time. When we forget about the non-linear life experience of learning and growing, we set ourselves up for disappointment and we have unrealistic expectations of our children.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the complete exasperation of staring at your child who could tie her shoes yesterday, but is in a teary puddle on the floor today. Or you’ve seen your toddler go in and out of diapers over the past year. Or maybe you’ve seen your baby feed himself successfully a total of one time.

We tend to get so excited about the developmental milestones that we sometimes forget that there’s an actual person reaching for them. And a person is a hugely complex individual. Lots of factors can impact learning and growth, not the least of which is stress. Unfortunately, children today are experiencing far more chronic stress than our biology has been required to deal with in times past.

I recently read a longitudinal study (I can’t remember exactly where) that showed that when people had grown up in an urban environment, they had more stress hormones in their system as adults when compared with children who grew up in a more rural setting. The conclusion of the study was that the stress of our childhood directly impacts our lifelong release of stress hormones.

Now I’m not trying to give you a guilt trip of you’re raising your kids in an urban environment. There are plenty of benefits to an urban lifestyle. But my point is that children are multidimensional and things like stress can greatly impact learning.

For a child, even a change of routine can be enough to trigger a regression of some kind. And then there are the regressions that seem to come out of nowhere and which we can’t seem to tie to any particular event or experience. The thing is, children are just doing their best to learn and grow in every moment, and sometimes that looks like retreating or regressing into a safer, more familiar experience, like wearing diapers, or baby talk.

OK, so why am I writing about this today? Well, I’ve been working toward night weaning my daughter and it has been a bit of a rocky road. I say working toward because I have been resolving to night wean and then changing my mind for the past month. I know she’s not a fan of the weaning plan and she lets me know that repeatedly and loudly. But I also know that I’ll be a happier mom when I can get a full night’s sleep in bed with my wonderful husband, rather than co-sleeping with my daughter and nursing all night long. And lately it has literally been ALL NIGHT LONG. I’m exhausted.

Meanwhile, my daughter has been learning to read (whoa!) and learning geography at a level I would expect of a six or seven year old. But she still wants to nurse about ten times a day (and all through the night). So, that’s why I needed the reminder that even as a child excels in one area, he might need a little bit of extra time, attention, snuggles and care in some other areas.

And if you think I’m kidding about the geography, here’s a video we recorded to prove her abilities to my brother:

Have you noticed the non-linear nature of learning? How does this show up at your house? I would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Noticing your child’s signals about next developmental steps

A friend and I were talking the other day and she mentioned that one of her biggest challenges with providing activities for her children is knowing where they’re at developmentally. I can relate. Figuring out which activities will be engaging and challenging without being frustrating for kids can be a confusing undertaking. So here are some of the questions I ask myself as I’m preparing Montessori activities for my daughter to do at home.

1)     What topic or skill is she most interested in right now?

2)    What action or activity does she seem to enjoy most and like to repeat?

3)    Which items on the shelf are being ignored? (they are probably too easy)

4)   Which items on the shelf are most popular?

5)    When does she get frustrated? (probably too difficult)

These questions help me identify possible new activities, create extensions for activities that are too easy, and remove activities that are too challenging. They also help me identify any sensitive periods of development my child might be in currently.

My daughter is in several sensitive periods right now. She is absorbing language, practicing her verbal skills and memorizing books, asking for multiple repetitions. She is very interested in putting things in and taking things out of boxes, baskets and the like with repetition. And she enjoys using wind instruments like whistles and recorders.

So I often ask myself “How can I provide opportunities for her to further develop her interests and skills?”  And inevitably when I ask myself the question, answers arise. Obviously we’re reading books like crazy, I mean right now she is read at least a dozen books every single day and often she wants each book read multiple times in a sitting.

And then I’m also sensitive to opportunities to hone her skills when we’re out an about. The other day we went to a market near our home where they provide working child-sized grocery carts. We had a handful of items on our list so I asked my daughter to find the items on the list (I helped her locate them) and she delighted in putting four cans of chicken noodle soup into the cart all by her self. We continued through the store searching for what we needed.

When we had everything on our list she was happy to push the cart up to the check out line and talk with the mom and baby in line behind us while we waited for our turn. Then she preceded to hand the checkout guy every item in the cart one by one. All the adults were very impressed but Julia just seemed satisfied with her work and with the social interactions she was having. She wasn’t looking for praise (and honestly she didn’t get much more than a “Thanks honey!”). Instead, she was simply continuing to develop her skills, pushing herself to do more and better than she had ever done before. It was really fun to watch!

So what is your child most interested in right now? How can he further develop an emerging skill? And which activities can you think up that will help foster his love of learning?

Here’s a sampling of activities for Julia right now (she’s 17 months old).

1)     Coloring with large whole hand grasping crayons

2)    Spooning beans from one dish to another

3)    Books, books, and more books

4)   Putting blocks, books, and other toys away

5)    Bean or water bin

If you need some suggestions for your child’s age/developmental stage, leave a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Video: Reduce Tantrums With This Tip

Here’s one last video with content from my new eBook “Cracking the Kid Code: Discovering the secret to having a happy child, family and home.”  This time I wanted to share one of the most important pieces of information that parents often forget.  That children really do want to do it themselves!

What are your children excited about doing all by themselves right now?  Tell me now!

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Playing with power

Well, it has happened.  My sweet baby is already becoming a willful toddler.  The past week or so has been filled with frustrating moments for her and for anyone near her.  She has begun to whine.  She is clinging to us like she thinks we’ll disappear if we’re out of her sight.  And of course, she’s also starting to walk.

Learning to walk and talk are HUGE developmental milestones for a baby and with the new development comes an equally big emotional response.  Tears and frustration abound as we humans learn new skills and reach new levels of development.  And it’s not just babies who experience the emotional ride of learning new skills.  Children and adults of all ages have the same big feelings.  When we reach a goal, there’s often a big emotional high and an accompanying let down.

So, what do we do with those feelings of sadness and anger that go along with new accomplishments?  We can try to ignore them or shove them aside, but that sure hasn’t been working at our house.  I’d rather embrace the feelings and provide a safe space for my daughter to fully express all that she’s going through.

Amazingly, just last week, my little one learned how to roar like a lion and wow, it’s a really ferocious roar!  So my mom and I began to play a game with her where we pretend to be frightened by her roar.  She LOVES it!  It’s really one of the first times I’ve seen her expressing and enjoying her power, she completely lights up.  She roars again and again while we cower in mock fear.  “Oh no!  Don’t eat me!  I’m so scared,” can be heard often at our house these days.  Here’s a short video of the game:

Then last night it was bedtime.  And you guessed it, she didn’t want to go to bed.  I could tell she was getting agitated and she started to test my husband by hitting him.  She knows that hitting people isn’t allowed, but she wasn’t sure how else to express the anger and frustration bubbling up inside her.

So I redirected her hitting to the stuffed animals on her bed.  Before we knew it, my husband, daughter, and I were all throwing and hitting and jumping on the stuffed animals yelling, “Take that!” and “Aaarrgghh!”  We all had a blast and each of us got an opportunity to express any unexpressed anger or frustration.  I can’t even tell you how satisfying it was to slam that pink elephant into the wall.  It was truly liberating.  The best part was that after the anger release, she was tired and ready to wind down to sleep.

So the next time anyone at your house is whining or getting agitated, try playing a power game.  Sometimes, just having an appropriate outlet for anger, frustration, or powerlessness is all a child really needs.  And when offered a healthy way to release those feelings, kids can easily return to their usual kind and cooperative selves.

Wish me luck with the rest of toddler-hood, I have a feeling I’m going to need it!

Have a great week, Shelly

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