with Shelly Birger Phillips
My daughter first showed interest and readiness for spooning at around 17 months old. I began with this easy to use spoon and large beans. I used a clear glass jar so she could see the beans and her spoon during the entire process. And I used a beautiful hand made ceramic bowl for her to spoon into as a point of interest. She loves spooning!
Parenting is one of those topics that we all feel very strongly about. I mean, our kids and their well-being is at stake, right? So, of course we’re going to be opinionated about what’s OK and what’s not OK. The problem with this is that it alienates other moms who, after all, are just like us, trying to do their best to care for and support their kids.
I think we can connect with other moms and dads and support them even if their parenting style is different from ours. Well, maybe not if it’s TOO different 🙂 but you know what I mean. I am an attachment parenting, cloth diapering, elimination communication, extended breastfeeding, Montessori at home, work from home mom who uses positive redirection and gentle discipline rather than punitive discipline. But does that mean I can only be friends with parents who are exactly the same as me? No way!
I have plenty of friends who breastfed a little or not at all (for various reasons), or who use disposables or who give their kids a time-out once in a while. And, although they might not talk about it much, I’m sure I have friends who yell at their kids. In fact, *gasp* I get frustrated and yell sometimes too! And I think that’s really the key to having compassion for other moms.
Being able to put myself in another person’s shoes, allows me to understand why they might choose to do things differently. I wish more moms would practice compassion with each other. Because, really, we’re all doing the best we can from where we’re at in every moment. We are all using whatever parenting tools we have access to. We have different schedules, different resources, and sometimes even different cultural beliefs.
The truth is, we actually have no idea how sleep deprived or hungry or stressed out that mom at the grocery store is when she stuffs a candy bar in her child’s face just to shut him up. And we don’t know what happened BEFORE the huge tantrum the little girl in the next aisle is having. I guess I just wish we could all take a breath and remember that no matter what’s happening, we’re all doing our best.
Because criticizing, judging, and shaming other moms is NOT helping. Do we really think that a mom is going to stop spanking her kids because we shame her for it? I don’t. I think that a lot of moms who spank are simply out of other ideas and resources in that moment. Many of them would LOVE to figure out a better way to help their child, but they aren’t able to think. Instead, they just need the behavior or the screaming or the hitting to STOP, so they do what their parents did to them. They spank. I can understand the impulse, even if I will never engage in the same behavior.
So, if you have a friend or family member who is a little bit different from you or who treats her child in a way you don’t like, try CONNECTING with her instead of judging her. Get CURIOUS about what’s happening for her and try to understand where she’s coming from. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is an excellent resource for developing compassion and understanding. Go to http://www.cnvc.org to find out more about NVC.
And for now, just take a moment to try to understand someone you’ve been judging. Consider the possibility that they really are doing their best. And remember that none of us is perfect; we’re all just doing what we need to do to move from this moment into the next. Let’s choose to help and support each other to continue to learn and grow, rather than shaming each other for making a different choice. Let’s make a pact to have MORE COMPASSION FOR OTHER MOMS! Because when we can show compassion and understanding to people who are different from us, then we are REALLY modeling love and peace for our children.
Oh, and one more thing. When our children see us accepting others who are different from us, they also learn that it’s OK to BE different. Children will feel much more secure in our love for them when they see that we are able to be kind and caring to those with whom we disagree.
What do you think about this? Please leave a comment below and let’s talk more about this hot topic! Warmly, Shelly
(This post is dedicated to my dad, Bernard B. Birger for always using big words with me and describing complex concepts in great detail, even when I was only three years old.)
Wow, Julia is absorbing language like a sponge on steroids. The other day I casually mentioned to my husband that a friend of ours is “a bit of a boozer” and we both had to avoid eye contact and stifle our laughter when our eighteen month old daughter repeated the word “boozer” about six times in a row. Oy, I really do have to watch what I say around her!
She is definitely in a sensitive period for language acquisition and it’s not going to stop any time soon. In fact, the sensitive period for language begins before birth and lasts until at least seven years old. So, what can we do to encourage our children to expand their vocabulary in ways that will actually serve them? (Because I’m guessing that knowing the word ‘boozer’ isn’t really critical to her healthy development)
There are LOTS of ways to encourage a large, expanding vocabulary, so here are my top five favorite ways to support a child’s language development. An added benefit is that many of these things also prepare young children for reading! So here they are:
1. Never underestimate your child’s ability to absorb language. Children will learn the words they are exposed to, whether they’re single syllable words or three and four syllable words. So why not use big words? One of Julia’s favorites right now is “massive.” We often talk about the “massive tree” at the dog park or the “massive whale” in one of her storybooks.
2. Read, read, and read some more. Reading books is one of the best ways you can support an expanding vocabulary. But remember number one, above. Even very young children can benefit from being read materials above their ability to fully grasp. Of course, if you lose their interest, then go back to books you know your children enjoy. And if they seem to have little or no interest in books, just look at the pictures together, point out the things you see and ask them questions about the pictures they’re looking at. For example: “Can you find the apple?,” “What animal is that?” “What do you think that silly chicken is doing now?”
3. Offer synonyms. Children learn language through exposure and context, so by offering synonyms, you’re helping your child to learn many words with the same meaning. So the tree at the dog park isn’t just massive, it’s huge, enormous, gigantic, and colossal too! But don’t be surprised when your two year old reminds you that evergreen trees are ‘coniferous’ and they don’t lose their leaves (or needles) in autumn.
4. Rhyme, Sing and Alliterate. Young people (and adults) love to sing, rhyme, and alliterate, probably because they’re such effective learning and problem solving tools. One of the great things about this one is that you can play these kinds of games absolutely anywhere! We especially like to sing and rhyme in the car. It keeps us occupied while we’re stuck in traffic, and it’s just plain fun! (OK, the truth is, we’re never stuck in traffic because we live in Bend, OR, but maybe YOU get stuck in traffic sometimes, so try singing, rhyming, and alliterating the next time you’re stuck in the car) Oh and one more thing, coming up with words that begin with the same letter or rhymes with the same number of syllables as a previous stanza are also good memory games for adults. Let’s keep those neurons firing, people!
5. Offer definitions. As children begin to get a solid grasp of language they start to get curious about some of the nuances therein. For instance, a friend of mine recently told me that her two and a half year old son asked her “What means ‘life,’ Mama?” Defining words can be a challenge because we probably have not even considered the definitions of many of the words we use every day. But I think it’s worthwhile to give it a try and if you really can’t come up with anything, then do what my mom always told me to do, go look it up!
I’m sure you’re already doing many of these things with your kids, but I thought that by listing them, I might remind you to do them more frequently and more intentionally. Our time with our young children is going by so quickly that before we know it they’ll be applying to college (it really feels that way, doesn’t it?!) So this week, pay special attention to supporting your child to build a stellar vocabulary that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.
And have a super, fantastic, wonderful, lovely, superb, and joyful week.
Love, Shelly
I focus on incorporating a lot of fresh produce. Rather than eating new and exciting adaptogen supplements and veggies every week, I focus on getting more of the same ones into our diet.
My grocery list has less than ten veggies on it. That may not seem like much, but we eat them fresh and we eat them often. They can also be mixed and matched and cooked several different ways. And I do make a point to rotate in seasonal items.
Stock your pantry
I look at weekly ads stores put out, but I don’t let them determine what I purchase or what meals I make. If I do see one of my staple items at a great price, I stock up.
Is meal planning really necessary then if I’m just stocking my pantry? Yes. Meal planning saves me from buying too much. (I have the tendency to shop for food as if I’m going to feed a dozen people.) I don’t want anything to go bad and it helps save money.
Make a meal list
Write down all of the meals that you enjoy. Now compare the ingredients for those meals with the foods on your pantry list.
Can you make most of those meals while sticking with the foods on the list? Are there meals you would love to eat more often, but include ingredients you don’t have? Maybe it’s time to add those ingredients so you can enjoy those foods more often. Lastly, what meals can you tweak using ingredients you have on hand?
Don’t forget breakfast, snacks and lunch. Those usually involve less variety or leftovers for us.
Put in on paper
Now that you have a list of meals you love, take a blank calendar page and fill in the blanks. It’s really that simple. Don’t know where to start? Just start filling in random days. Or fill the meals in alphabetically and start over when you get to the last item. This was one of my biggest obstacles because I put too much thought into it.
Be flexible
Write the meals in with pencil. If you change your mind, it’s ok. Maybe your significant other doesn’t like a suggestion or you forgot one of your favorite meals. The plan isn’t set in stone – it’s just there to relieve some stress and free you to do other things that matter more.
It’s ok to eat the same food on a regular basis if you love it. I give you permission to resist any pressure that says you need to eat 30 different meals each month. You can always change it up completely next month.
Do you have a tip for simplifying meal planning? Please share it!
Nina Nelson is a wellness advocate, mama to four and wife to one. She writes regularly at Shalom Mama, helping moms make natural health simple and sustainable. She loves reading, snuggling and giggling at miniature horses. She just released her new book, Simple Natural Health, a resource that simplifies natural wellness.
I have some pretty incredible people in my life. My friends and family members are constantly inspiring, encouraging, and helping me with all sorts of things. And each of them has such unique and wonderful gifts. But here’s the thing, as far as I can tell, none of us is able to see our unique and wonderful gifts clearly, all by ourselves. For some reason, maybe because we’re such social creatures, we seem to need one another to share, acknowledge, and reflect our awesomeness back to us. And when that happens, it’s like finally getting a clear view of an image that’s been blurry for years. It’s an “Aha” moment.
I’ve recently had several of these moments as I’ve connected with various incredible and inspiring women in my life. Last week, my dear friend Kendra reminded me that my compassion and understanding is unique and wonderful. It’s the water I’m swimming in and so it doesn’t seem all that special to me, but she pointed out how much it really matters to her that she knows she can come to me and I won’t judge her or tell her she’s wrong. Instead, I’ll see the positive intentions behind all of her actions and remind her what a wonderfully fabulous person I think she is.
Just today my friend Dawne acknowledged me for the years of study and preparation I did before I became a mom. She said something like, “Well, it totally makes sense to me that your daughter would be learning and thriving so incredibly well, I mean look at all the love, attention, and opportunities she’s had because of her incredible parents!”
When she said that, it really hit me. Wow, I HAVE been preparing for her and working to be the best mom (and person) I can be for such a long time now. And that is something that I can be really proud of. I’ve been standing a little bit taller ever since our conversation.
I think this kind of specific acknowledgment is so important and sorely missing from our mainstream culture. It’s different from receiving a compliment, or from offering groundless praise. It’s a reminder of our innate greatness, and we really are great, each of us for our own unique contributions to life and to love.
When we see the love, acceptance, or even awe on the faces of the people we love, respect, and admire it’s somehow easier to remember that we rock.
Self-acceptance has not always come easy for me. I’ve struggled to fully love and accept myself just as I am, including my desire to grow and change. It’s one of the conundrums of personal growth work. We want to grow and change, so something must be wrong with us, right? No way! We are all perfect just as we are AND we are hard wired to learn and grow and get better and better at being ourselves.
So this week, offer and receive some acknowledgment. Tell your sister why you think she’s such a great person. Ask your friend what he appreciates about you. Remind your child what you enjoy about getting to share your life with him. We’re not talking about empty praise here, but deep, meaningful acknowledgment of someone’s unique and wonderful gifts.
If you’re struggling with how to structure your acknowledgment, try this: “(Name) when you (specific moment in time or memory that you share), I felt (emotion word) and the impact on me was (share how this has improved your life in some way). I am so grateful for you and your gift of ____.
So here’s my acknowledgment for you. (Your Name Here) when you read my blog every week I feel so happy and excited because I know that I’m a part of a community of parents who want to be their best selves with their kids. It brings me so much joy to know that you exist and that we’re on this journey of life and parenthood together. I’m so grateful for you and for your participation in this community!
Now here’s my recently recorded “Mommy Pep Talk” video. Please watch it if you’re a mom or share it with a mom who could use a reminder that she is fantastic.
And have a wonderful week, Shelly