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How Inviting Rebellion Makes Your Life Much Easier

Rebellion. It’s often seen as a dangerous and incredibly irritating part of parenting. But the truth is that rebellion is a crucial part of human development. I know, I know, it’s super annoying when the first thing out of your child’s mouth is “NO!” and you’re trying desperately to find non-violent ways to get your child to perform the necessary tasks of daily life.

And the key to my sanity during this time has been two fold.

First, recognize that rebellion is actually a good thing.

Whaaat??? Yes, that’s right. Rebellion means your child realizes that he’s an individual with his own desires, which are separate from yours. While that might be uncomfortable for us, it’s quite a milestone for our kids. They’re learning to assert themselves and to take a stand, even when it might not be popular. The practice they’re engaged in now, rebelling against you, could help them resist peer pressure later, which is something we all want our kids to be able to do.

The second realization which has made my life MUCH easier during this transition to more independence and autonomy is simply this:

what we resist, persists.

When I’m doing all I can to force my daughter to do what I want despite her arguments, she will resist me. In a way it’s her JOB to resist me. How else can she establish herself as separate from me?

So I’ve implemented a strategy that magically meets everyone’s needs. I invite the rebellion. I create opportunities for my daughter to “rebel” in ways that actually help me out. Her resistance suddenly becomes useful, rather than annoying. I protest loudly about how much I DON’T want her to put on her shoes, climb into her carseat, go to the bathroom independently, or put away her toys. I go over the top, whining, yelling, and carrying on.

My daughter loves this. She knows that it’s a game, but it still seems to meet her needs for rebellion because she gets to say, “No! I’m going to do it MY way.” And she delights in my moans and groans about how I’m not getting what I want. She feels powerful and in charge of herself and she thinks it’s hilarious to see me bumbling and fumbling and inept.

The fact that we both understand that this is a game makes it SO MUCH easier for me too. Because struggling to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do is really quite painful for both of us. And it often leads to tears when I give up on convincing her and instead force her into compliance. While it does happen sometimes, I find that using force almost never leaves us feeling more connected afterward. We inevitably have the, “Mommy, you hurt my feelings,” conversation and I end up apologizing and lamely trying to justify my actions.

So instead, I’ve been practicing strategically giving up my power. My daughter still knows that I’m in charge and that if I feel it’s necessary, I can force her to do things like give me the scissors. Although there is a limit to how long we can rely upon our greater size, strength, and cunning to overpower our kids.

I’d rather cultivate a strategy that allows her to feel powerful and free, even as she’s doing the very things I want.

I don’t see this as tricking her, since we both know it’s a game. Instead, it’s helping her to exercise her rebelliousness in a healthy and productive way. I’m engineering the game so that it’s a win-win.

Children long to be powerful and independent, which is a good thing, since they’ll go from infants to adults in a mere 18 years. And by the way, when they’re teenagers they’re likely to rebel again. Will we be able to invite the rebellion and create win-win opportunities then too?

There are lots of ways to play games that allow your child to be the powerful one. And I find that playing power games meets children’s needs for power and rebellion so that much of the time they’re far more cooperative and compliant.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1)   Oh no, don’t take my hat! Give me back my hat!

2)   Rats! I don’t have anyone to help me carry this to the car. How will I get this to the car? I can’t carry it myself because I’m not strong enough…

3)   Oh gee, I forget what happens next. I wish someone would help me remember what we do before we leave the house. I keep forgetting!

4)   Gosh, I really don’t want to read stories tonight. But if you get ready for bed quickly, I’ll HAVE to. Oh please don’t MAKE me read! Ut oh, she’s already got her pajamas on.

So here’s your challenge for the week. Identify a consistent power struggle or a time when your child is likely to rebel and plan a couple of possible power games or new strategies that you could employ that would meet everyone’s needs. How can you invite the rebellion?

Then, write to me here in the comments section to let me know how it goes! I would LOVE to hear about your journey.

And have a fantastic week. Warmly, Shelly

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4 Rules I Never Thought I’d Have to Have

Parenting is filled with unexpected moments of delight and horror in almost equal measure as far as I can tell. Your kid tells a funny joke far beyond her years, and then she head butts you and busts your lip open.

I knew there would be unexpected challenges when I became a parent, but there have been some things that have completely shocked me. Even though I’ve been a nanny, preschool teacher, and an older sister for most of my life, the innate ability of our darling child to wreak complete havoc on our lives still astounds me.

You know I’m a big fan of setting clear boundaries and making sure everyone in our lives knows the rules. But there are a few rules we’ve had to make lately that I definitely did not expect to ever have to have.

Here they are:

1)   No eating on the toilet

We usually don’t carry snacks around the house, mostly because we have a dog who will put her tongue into your hot chocolate if you so much as turn your head away for an instant (true story). However, Julia likes to take her sweet time during meal times. From what I’ve read on the subject, eating slowly is healthier, so I’ve allowed her to meander through her meals. She often spends a full hour at the table; so inevitably, she sometimes has to use the bathroom in the middle of a meal.

It never occurred to me that she would want to bring her food with her! But, kids will be kids. They have their own ideas about things. And since eating on the toilet just isn’t sanitary, this is one rule we’ve made that I had never even considered before having a child of my own.

2)   No jumping into your underwear

Last week Julia wanted to jump into her underwear. The problem is that she has no idea how hard her head is, and very little impulse control, so when Daddy said, “No. Jumping into your underwear is not safe” she was already launching herself straight up into his face. She actually gave him a concussion when the hardest part of her head hit him right between the eyes. He saw stars and was completely altered for days afterward. It’s a week later and he’s still not completely healed. We have GOT to handle this head butting thing a.s.a.p.

3)   No nails at the dinner table

For her third birthday, Julia received some construction tools (thanks Dad!). She got a vice, I built her a workbench, and she now has her own hammer and tool belt. When I taught her how to hammer in a nail she got so excited that she wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon hammering nails. Unfortunately, after about an hour it was time to go inside for dinner.

As you know, I try my best to avoid grabbing things away from my daughter, but when I told her it was time to put the nails away she held on to them like they were crucial to her very survival. I tried to talk her through it, but she was so upset she wasn’t able to think clearly and all she knew was that holding on to those nails was essential, and I was trying to get them away.

I’ll admit, I grabbed them away, reminding her that it was a safety issue since nails are sharp and they’re definitely not allowed at the dinner table.

4) If you want to lie down in the mud, you have to take your clothes off

Lately one of Julia’s favorite backyard activities is to use her watering can to create a huge mud puddle (in a designated spot, thankfully) and then play in the mud. This is all well and good and a healthy activity, but I don’t enjoy scrubbing the mud out of her shirt, pants, and underwear on a daily basis. So I’ve made a rule that she’s welcome to play in the mud puddle, as long as she takes her clothes off first. She’s still getting used to this rule and you should see the surprised looks on her grandparents faces when she announces, “I’m allowed to put my tummy in the mud, as long as I take my shirt off first!” It’s a good thing kids are washable.

I’m sure these remind you of some of the more bizarre rules you’ve had to implement. And I could use a laugh, so I hope you’ll share some with us all. What are some rules you never thought you’d have to have?

Have a great week, Shelly

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8 Breastfeeding Myths That Make Me Want to Scream

Happy Breastfeeding Awareness month everybody! In honor of this important topic, I’d like to share some of the breastfeeding myths that make me want to shake people and yell, “What?! No!!!! That’s just not true!”

1)   Breastfeeding is sexual

Um, excuse me but while our culture has sexualized breasts, their original and primary function is to FEED BABIES.  Yes, breastfeeding feels good, but it’s definitely not sexual, and nursing in public is certainly not displaying our breasts to be ogled or even an overt attempt to make you uncomfortable.

If my baby needs to eat, I will feed her. Period. It’s not about you. It’s about meeting my baby’s needs as best I can so that she can learn to trust that the world is a benevolent place and know on a fundamental level that she is deeply cared for. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable by nursing in public, but I will do it and hope that others will too until it just becomes normal and no longer makes people cringe, blush, or turn away.

2)   Nursing in public is immodest

OK, so what about this group of people who claim that breastfeeding in public is fine, as long as it’s hidden under a cover or in a bathroom stall. I’m sorry but I don’t like eating with a blanket over my head and neither does my baby. And don’t try pulling that “nipples are obscene” crap either, men’s nipples are shown ALL THE TIME and nobody makes a fuss. Get over it.

3)   Formula supplementation is necessary

The truth is that formula supplementation can lead to a reduction in milk supply which leads to more formula supplementation and before you know it and despite your best intentions, you end up giving up on nursing entirely.

Yes, there are some instances where babies need formula supplementation, like when they are unable to digest protein and need medical intervention. But what bothers me is how often nurses and hospital staff freak parents out with percentages of weight loss and then push formula supplementation on them in the early days of their baby’s life when the nursing relationship is still so new and newly developing.

My milk didn’t come in until day 9 and the doctors were concerned about my baby losing so much weight. So I did supplement, but I did it with donated breast milk using a tube so that my daughter was sucking at the breast while she received the donated milk. That helped stimulate my milk production and gave her the benefits of breast milk, even before mine came in.

I guess I just want new moms to know that there are other options and they don’t HAVE to use formula if they don’t want to. And I think hospital staff tend to downplay the potential long term effects on your milk supply, so please consider the decision carefully before you decide to supplement with formula.

4)   Toddlers and preschoolers are too old to nurse

Oh this one really pisses me off. Anthropologically, it’s believed that humans have nursed until ages 3-5yo for most of human evolution. We nurse until we’re ready to give it up, until our needs for comfort transform into hugs and snuggles, and until most of our caloric needs are met by solid foods. The age at which these milestones happen can be different for different kids. And sure, the mom also has a say in how long she’s willing or able to nurse. But this idea that once they’re talking they’re too old for their “milky” is just ridiculous. That’s a personal decision to be made between mother and child. It’s actually not anyone else’s business, so take those judgments elsewhere please.

5)   You should pump so that others can feed your baby

Excuse me but someone else’s desire to feed my baby is not a good enough reason for me to attach myself to a machine for half an hour to get a couple of ounces of milk out. If you like pumping, more power to you Mama, but for me, it was a hassle, I never got much milk, and I MUCH preferred the experience of snuggling up with my baby to hanging out with that machine.

I worked hard to arrange my life so that I would be able to work from home, nurse my baby for 2 years, and spend time bonding with her. Yes, it required a big commitment to be available to her for about half an hour AT LEAST every 3 hours (and often for shorter nursing sessions much more frequently), for 2 years but it worked well for us. I guess I just want you to know that if you don’t want to pump and store extra milk so that others can feed your baby, you don’t have to. Even though you might get some pressure to do so, you should only do what works for you and your baby. Everyone else will adjust, and before you know it your sweet baby will be weaned and on to new adventures.

6)   Breastfeeding takes too much effort

Unfortunately, our society is not based on what’s best for children and families. Instead, the almighty dollar seems to determine our fate far more than we’d like. But there are some things that are worth pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and brainstorming new solutions.

Yes, nursing in public can be uncomfortable, especially when you get dirty looks or nasty comments from passers by. Yes, you’re required to be near your baby more frequently and can only have small windows of time away from him. But have you SEEN all the new studies showing what a huge benefit breastmilk is to your baby? Better immunity, better emotional security, and even a higher IQ? I think breasfeeding is well worth the effort.

Oh, and when I see parents shushing their screaming infants while trying to mix powder and water as quickly as humanly possible, I think, “Wow! That looks like a lot of effort. All I have to do is pull down my shirt and I have instant access to the most nutritious food my baby could want!”

7)    Breastfeeding doesn’t hurt

It’s a nice idea and all, and maybe for some women breastfeeding never hurts a bit. But most of the women I talked to said it hurt a LOT for the first couple of weeks and then settled down after that. Unfortunately for me, the pain didn’t cease and since all I heard was, “it shouldn’t hurt” I didn’t realize that I had Raynaud’s phenomenon of the nipple until my daughter was 9 months old.

Although it was once considered rare, new studies estimate that up to 20% of women may suffer from Raynaud’s, many of whom are misdiagnosed with thrush, and given antibiotics unnecessarily. Often, not understanding the cause of their pain, women stop breastfeeding because it’s so incredibly painful to continue. But there are herbal solutions (like red pepper) and there’s a medication that can bring relief of these symptoms and help moms continue to breastfeed, even if they have Raynaud’s.

8)   Advocating for breastfeeding means I think you’re a bad parent if you formula feed

I do want to acknowledge the fact that not everyone is able to breastfeed. If you’ve tried hard to nurse your baby and still weren’t able to breastfeed, please know that I support and appreciate your efforts. And I don’t think your baby’s immune system will be drastically compromised or that formula will make your baby stupid.

Your care and attention have a far greater impact than the milk your baby consumes. There’s no shame in being unable to breastfeed. I just wish our society was set up in such a way that we could help each other out, nurse each other’s babies and tell formula companies to go take a hike.

So what are the breastfeeding myths that most bother you? I would love to learn even more about breastfeeding this week, so don’t be shy, please share your thoughts, ideas, articles and resources with the rest of us by leaving a comment.

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

 

 

 

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5 Reasons to Encourage Your Kid to Climb a Tree

There are lots of reasons to encourage kids to climb trees, but many of them can begin to seem unimportant when faced with the possibility of our beloved child falling out of one. Besides the fact that kids just love it, here are my top five reasons, backed by science, to support tree climbing despite its inherent risks.

1)   Being Outside Reduces Stress

Many studies over the past 20 years have shown that spending time in nature reduces cortisol levels, lowers blood pressure, increases resilience, and supports cognitive function. And climbing trees is a great way to help kids engage in an outside activity that is fun and challenging.

By encouraging this type of outdoor play and discovery, you’re putting your child into an environment that she has evolved to enjoy and appreciate.

2)   Connecting With Nature Is Good For Us and the Planet

Helping your child develop a personal relationship with nature has lots of benefits both to your child and to the environment. We humans are funny. When we care about something deeply, we’ll work incredibly hard to preserve it. So, by helping your child connect with nature, he is better off because of all of the benefits mentioned above and the environment is better off because your child will work hard to preserve the nature he loves so dearly.

Working with children showed me that when kids understand the direct implications of their impact on the environment, they’re motivated to reduce their carbon footprint and are easily able to change their habits to live in more harmony with nature. For instance, after learning about landfills, many children become recycling activists in their homes and schools. And after a trip to a local water treatment facility where we got to engage in hands on demonstrations, I saw a marked improvement in water conservation efforts and interest in overall watershed health.

3)   Climbing Trees is Good for Physical Development

As I began to write this article I spoke to a local 7 year-old boy. I asked him, “what’s your favorite thing about climbing trees?” and he responded immediately, “Climbing!” Kids love the challenge of deciding where to put their feet and hands, and the exhilaration of getting high up into a tree. There’s a physical challenge and a huge sense of accomplishment that goes along with tree climbing. I wish more kids were encouraged to climb trees.

Developing hand/eye coordination, muscle strength, and the ability to assess their own safety are all skills that benefit kids. And they’re the same skills that are often found lacking in today’s screen focused world.

4)   Taking Risks Helps Kids Learn Their Strengths and Limitations

By challenging themselves physically, kids learn their strengths and limitations quickly. They know when it’s easy, when it’s hard, and when they start to feel unsafe. It’s important for children to have the experience of pushing themselves and knowing when to step back and play it safe. You may be surprised to find that children have quite a strong sense of self-preservation when they’re allowed to exercise it.

Yes, this does require us to step back, stop saying, “be careful!” and allow our kids to explore without us hovering and monitoring their every move. I know it can be difficult, and if you really have a tough time with it, I’d recommend sending the kids out with their dad (or other masculine role model). I’ve found that in general dads are much better at letting kids take physical risks than moms are. As much as super child safe playground like those made by sites like https://www.softsurfaces.co.uk/ are good for the really little ones, there comes a time where the little ones need to grow up and learn to make mistakes and scrape their elbows and knees a little.

Even so, it’s still important to develop this ability for yourself, mom. Eventually we’re going to have teenagers on our hands and if we don’t allow our kids to take calculated risks now, they won’t be prepared for the life and death decisions they’ll be required to make once drinking and driving enter into the picture.

5)   Spending Time in Nature Encourages Scientific Discovery

Are your kids curious about birds, bees, squirrels, and raccoons? Spending time outside climbing trees is a wonderful way to encourage scientific interests. Maybe they’ll discover a next and get to watch baby birds being fed by their parents. Or perhaps they’ll discover a new species of beetle, never before catalogued.

By encouraging kids to climb trees, you’re really encouraging them to explore the natural world in all it’s glory. How does a plant grow? Where does a tree get its nutrients? What does decomposition look like? And what happens if a bird’s nest is disturbed?

Children are natural scientists and will create experiments, hypotheses, and conclusions about everything in life. Why not encourage them to conduct some of their research in the canopy?

So, let’s all go out and climb a tree! And let’s make sure our kids get the opportunity to spend time outdoors, climbing trees, playing, making up songs and stories, coming up with wild theories, and just forging a relationship with this wonderful, wild, beautiful world we live in.

Have a great week, Shelly

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How to Hold Space for a Tantrum and Actually Enjoy Yourself

This morning we made it all the way to the car with everything we needed for the day but for some reason when I suggested that my daughter hand me her lunch box so that she could climb into the car, she freaked. After some tears and some pushing me away and something garbled that I couldn’t quite understand, I did get her to agree to let me lift her into the car seat (which she usually HATES) so that she could hold on to her lunch box the entire time. She cried for a while in the car on the way to school. It wasn’t a complete meltdown, but it reminded me how confusing it is when kids get upset and we don’t know why.

Their emotions are so big sometimes and it’s hard to understand exactly why they’re freaking out.

I think that tantrums are some of the most frustrating, upsetting, and confusing experiences we have with our kids. It’s mind boggling to see how out of control they can become over such seemingly meaningless stuff like whether or not they got to have one more bedtime story. Kids can work themselves up into a frenzy over things that appear to us to be completely mundane and innocuous.

Holding space for big feelings is something I’m passionate about, probably because I wanted someone to do the same for me as a kid. In fact, I love it when my husband, friends, and family members hold space for my big feelings now. It’s a huge gift to be invited to fully feel without being silenced, judged, or convinced out of my anger or sorrow. So I’ve developed five steps to holding space for a tantrum that will leave you feeling more peaceful and connected to your child at the end of a meltdown than you did before it began.

Step 1: Remember it’s not about the blue cup

The reasons for a tantrum can be a varied as the people having the tantrum are but remembering that tantrums are usually NOT about the purported upset and are actually often an excuse to release the tension of the day can help you to remain calm and centered as you hold space for your child.

Some common causes of tantrums are: over-tiredness, hunger, social conflict, and unmet needs for autonomy. Remembering these can help you reflect on how to avoid tantrums in the future, rather than remaining stuck in the confusion of trying to understand why your child (who by now you might suspect is insane) is having such an overreaction to the fact that she got the red cup instead of the blue cup. Yes, the color of the cup really does matter to her. AND she’s using this as an opportunity to release pent up emotions, which is ultimately a good thing.

Step 2: Breathe and relax

Easier said than done when faced with a raging or weeping young person. But when we can relax and breathe deeply during a tantrum, we’re effectively managing our own emotions and helping our kids to regulate too. Mirror neurons in our brains cause us to automatically match the emotional energy of the people near us, that’s probably why laughter is so contagious and why we cry at sad movies.

The good news is that we can use these neurons to our advantage by choosing to remain peaceful during a child’s outburst. Kids are naturally inclined to return to a regulated state if they’re near someone else who is feeling peaceful. So take this opportunity to practice the meditation of equanimity, simply being with what’s so without judging it or pushing it away.

Step 3: Don’t take it personally

This is a tricky one, especially if your child likes to scream things like, “I hate you!” during a tantrum. But if you can remember that your child’s upset is more about his unmet needs and less about you or your actions, you may be able to see that having big feelings is just a normal part of life and it’s not your fault that your child is having a meltdown.

When we can stop taking our children’s big feelings personally, we can begin to offer empathy and compassion without needing to backpedal on the boundaries we’ve just set.

“I hear that you’re really upset and I understand that it’s hard to hear no. I love you and it’s OK to cry as much as you need to.”

Step 4: Celebrate your child’s release

I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling tense a good cry feels great. I might not enjoy it during the crying (although sometimes I do) but I almost always feel MUCH better afterward. I like to imagine that the emotional system is similar to the digestive system. We take in stimulus, we use what we need for our wellbeing, and we’re left with waste products that need to be expelled. I see crying as one of those healthy waste products of our emotional system.

So the next time your child is having big feelings, try celebrating it. “Oh it feels so good to get that out of your body, huh?” By taking an attitude of celebration you’re doing two things, first you’re embracing your child just as he is, letting him know that you love him no matter what he’s feeling and second, you’re re-framing the experience as a positive one for both of you.

 It’s good to let our feelings out and share them with our loved ones.

Remember, this is the foundation you’re building so that your teenager will eventually come to you with her problems, rather than completely relying on her friends for advice.

Step 5: Connect

Some kids like snuggles after a big cry, others want to be left alone or just have their back patted, still others might enjoy sitting quietly and reading a book together. By learning what your child likes after a big release, you can offer it and reconnect lovingly with your little sweetheart.

I’ve noticed that when my daughter is really upset, there’s a part of her tantrum where she needs space, and then toward the end, she comes over to me for a snuggle. It’s such a sweet and tender time of connection for us. I just hold her, rub her back, and remind her that it’s OK to cry until she gets all of her tears out. When she’s done, we usually have some hugs and kisses and then figure out the next fun game we’ll play.

By connecting after a big emotional release, we’re letting our kids know that their big feelings are completely OK, and not anything to be ashamed of or to hide away. For me, this is also healing, since I was afraid to share my big feelings and often chose to stuff or suppress my emotional experience as a child and young adult.

This is how I manage my own emotional state while holding space for kids who are having big, uncontrolled emotions. I hope it works for you too and I would love to hear about your own methods and practices about how you deal with tantrums. Please share your wisdom with the rest of us!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

Photo Credit: DIONNA RAEDEKE

Want more tools and tips on how to handle big feelings? Check out my audio program: Perspectives on Feelings

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