Tag: Connection

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4 Ways to Make Sure Kids Know You’re On Their Side

Kids have a different way of thinking about life and their experiences than we adults do. They have a tendency to blame themselves for other people’s behavior. And they often make up wildly inaccurate reasons for why things happen the way they do. That’s all perfectly normal and experience will eventually show them that they’re not responsible for their brother’s broken arm or for a huge snowstorm.

But sometimes it can be difficult for a child to distinguish between friend and foe from moment to moment, even in their own home. One minute we’re their hero because we let them have a special treat, then next, we’re the enemy who won’t allow them to go to the party, or draw on the walls, or run naked through the house.

And when a child thinks her parent is the enemy, the connection suffers and the child is less likely to cooperate in the future. That’s a huge reason why research has shown that punishment is actually counterproductive. Sure, it lessens the incidents of the offense when kids are in our presence, but overall, punishments teach kids to hide their actions, figure out ways not to get caught, and live a more secretive life.

If you want your kids to adhere to certain rules because they see the value of those rules, connection is the key and punishment is a losing strategy. So how can we be sure our children know that we’re on their side, even if we won’t let them do everything they want to do?

Here are four ways to be sure your kids know that you’re a team:

1)   Sit side by side

When we’re across from each other, we have a tendency to be more antagonistic, we often feel defensive, protective and fearful in this position, especially if the other person is larger, has more power, and is upset about something. Instead, try sitting side by side, which encourages teamwork and helps us feel like we’re working together to solve a problem.

2)   Help them win their argument

Help them win their argument—When a child is arguing his position it’s easy to produce a stronger argument or to simply say no. Instead, try helping your child to strengthen his argument. Give him insider tips to how to convince you to change your mind. And if it’s something you can wiggle on, allow your child to win the argument and convince you to change your mind. This gives kids a sense of power and accomplishment and it teaches them that you’re willing to work WITH them, rather than against them.

3)   Offer empathy

When your child is upset about something, don’t try to convince her out of her feelings, instead, reflect those feelings back to her so that she knows you understand. “Wow, you’re really upset about that. It sounds like you’re feeling sad right now, is that right?” When your child is having big feelings, avoid explaining your position, convincing her to feel differently, minimizing her feelings, or changing the subject. And make sure your child knows that it’s OK to feel the way she feels and that emotions are a normal and natural part of life.

4)   Explain the reason for the rules

If your child questions the rules, explain them to him. Do this only if your child is reasonably relaxed but is curious. “The reason we always hold hands when crossing the street is because there’s safety in numbers. If you fell down, I could help you up. And since I’m taller than you, people driving cars can see me more easily and they’re less likely to accidentally hit you. I want you to be safe, so that’s why we always hold hands when crossing the street.” Avoid pat phrases like, “because I said so” as they don’t give a child any additional information and they imply that you can arbitrarily set rules for no logical reason. From a child’s perspective this can seem much more like a dictatorship than a team.

By using these four strategies, you can help your child learn to trust that you’re on their side and that even when you’re enforcing rules that they don’t like, you’re doing it for the good of the family, and not just because you wan them to suffer.

I’m curious, have you used these strategies before? Do you think they’ve helped you maintain a closer connection to your child? Or are you struggling to resist the urge to punish your kids? I would love to hear about your experience. Please share your thoughts below.

And have a wonderful week!

Warmly, Shelly

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50 Ways to Share Your Love on Valentine’s Day and Every Day

I think Valentine’s Day gets a bad rap. My husband calls it a “Hallmark Holiday” but I still love Valentine’s Day because I’m all about the love. This may stem from the fact that I’m solidly a Type 2 in the Enneagram. I’m “The Helper” and based on my personality type, my primary motivation in life is to love and be loved.

If you don’t know about the Enneagram yet, definitely check it out. You will learn a TON about yourself and a lot about your loved ones too. My favorite Enneagram book is “Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery” by Riso and Hudson.

But even if I wasn’t a Type 2, I still think I’d enjoy Valentine’s Day because it’s the perfect excuse to share love and appreciation with everyone! Sure, I spread the love on other days too, but this is a holiday completely dedicated to love. What could be better?

So, whether you like the holiday or not, let’s all take the time to share our love and appreciation with the special people in our lives. Oh, and let’s not forget to also RECEIVE love and appreciation this week as well. Sharing love is a two way street and if we can’t receive as well as giving, then we’re stopping the flow of love.

What might it look like to give and receive some extra love this week? Well, it could take many different forms. If we use The Five Love Languages as a guide, we realize that we can give and receive love in all sorts of ways!

Here are the Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman):

1)   Gifts

2)   Acts of Service

3)   Physical Touch

4)   Quality Time

5)   Words of Affirmation

And here’s a survey you can fill out online to see what your primary love language is.

There are countless ways to show someone you care.

So, here are 50 ways to show your loved ones how much you adore them off the top of my head and in no particular order:

1) A hug

2) A kiss

3) Snuggles

4) Say “I love you”

5) Read to them

6) Give loving eye contact

7) Fix something broken

8) Run an errand

9) Make a homemade card

10) Find a beautiful rock, shell, or feather to give

11) Go for a walk

12) Have a picnic together

13) Act our your love in pantomime

14) Share something you appreciate about them

15) Scrape off an icy windshield

16) Cook their favorite dinner

17) Send flowers

18) Call them

19) Skype them

20) Text them (FB message, IM, Email, etc.)

21) Write a note

22) Send a letter

23) Dance

24) Sing a song of love

25) Let them choose the activity

26) Brag about them to someone else

27) Make a collage for them

28) Hold hands

29) Give a massage

30) Wash their feet

31) Wink

32) Draw them a picture

33)  Make them a basket

34) Crochet or knit a scarf

35) Tell them how they’ve changed your life for the better

36) Blow bubbles

37) Give cash

38) Wash their car

39) Make a “welcome home” banner

40) Record a video

41) Brush their hair

42) Bake a special cake

43) Leave a gift on their doorstep

44) Tell a room full of people how you feel about them

45) Propose marriage

46) Clap extra loud after their performance

47) Introduce them to someone else you love

48) Say, “I adore you.”

49) Tell them about one of your favorite memories with them

50) Ask a question and pay attention to the answer

So, that should get you started, now you can choose something, anything, and do it TODAY to share your heart with the people you love.

And, I would love to continue this list. What would you add to it? Please leave a comment and let’s keep love alive!

Have a “lovely” week 😉

Hugs, Shelly

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Overflowing with Gratitude

I just got off the phone with a client and I’m feeling so much inspiration and gratitude. I’m grateful that I get to support people to live the lives they’re most inspired to live. I’m grateful I can make an impact on one person and that impact can ripple out in beautiful and unexpected ways. And I’m grateful that I can be moved and impacted in return. Wow. My life is such a blessing.

As I sit here looking out my office window I see a tree with a few yellow leaves still hanging on, trying desperately to survive for another day. I’m so grateful to be healthy and alive! I see my hot tub, what a source of joy and relaxation. I’m so comfortable inside my centrally heated home under electric lights that work. I’m sitting here sipping hot tea and typing on a truly incredibly piece of hardware, (fyi, my wonderful husband who I adore sometimes calls my MacBook Air my boyfriend).

And I get to share my innermost thoughts with you! I am so incredibly grateful to you for reading this right now. Your presence in my life inspires me to continue to share myself honestly, openly, and fearlessly. When you listen, you provide a space where I can share. And when you share, I get to listen. It’s a win-win!

I’m about to go pick up a pie that I didn’t have to bake myself, all I had to do was make a phone call and the woman on the other end of the line said, “We’ll have it ready for you!” What a marvel!

I can hear my cat meowing, which usually annoys me, but right now it sounds like music and warm snuggles, and companionship. I can hear my mom in the next room playing with my daughter. Two of the people I adore most in the world, and they’re having so much fun together!

When I think of my family, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. There are so many people who love me, care for and about me, and support me in so many ways. My husband is incredible, my parents are awesome, and lucky me, I even adore my in-laws!

The client I just spoke to recently finished his yearly drive to deliver Thanksgiving dinners to families in need. They delivered turkeys and fixings to 519 families this year. And each and every family received the surprise delivery from another real live family who personally brought the food to their door and handed it to them. The human connection as he described the process was beautifully palpable.

Earlier today I spoke to someone who does relief work in Africa and helps manage millions of dollars in aid every year. My life is filled with incredible people do amazing and meaningful work in the world.

Just yesterday I spoke with a friend who cares for her son all day every day. I am constantly in awe of the moms who can do that day in and day out. Being a mother is a huge service already, but being a stay at home parent who’s a primary care giver for a child is just incredibly beautiful. If you do that job, my hat is off to you. You’re making a huge difference in the life of your child.

And then there are the working moms, who work all day to support their families and then come home and still care for their puking, feverish children all night long, only to head back to work the next day. Um, can I please give you some sort of medal or something?

Everywhere I look there are countless reasons to be grateful and to appreciate, and to be inspired to be and do even more. I want to grow and build and care even more when I connect with you. Thank you!

Whether you’ve done something small like clicking like on one of my facebook posts or something big like purchasing ongoing coaching from me, your participation in our community makes a difference.

And not just here either, the friend you talked to last week who was struggling, or the kind word you offered to someone at the grocery store while their child was melting down, or the ex-husband that you shared your children with over the weekend. They all benefit from your generosity and compassion.

And though you may not know all of the ways that your kindness branches out and grows, let me assure you, it does. When you share love, it blossoms and grows, in small ways and in large ways, impacting a single person or perhaps thousands, even millions of people.

Thank you for helping me share my love and thank you for sharing yours. Together, I do believe we’re changing things for the better. And I’m having a lot more fun doing it with you than I ever could all by myself.

Love, hugs, and Happy Thanksgiving, Shelly

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Happy International Babywearing Week!

OK, I’ll admit it, I use a stroller sometimes. I’m not very hardcore about baby wearing, I mean I already carried my daughter around inside for nine months, right?! Don’t get me wrong I love wearing my baby SOME of the time. When Julia was littler (she’s two now!) I used slings and the Ergo carrier and it was so nice to be snuggled, heart to heart with my little one and have my hands free. So when I realized it’s International Babywearing Week, I couldn’t help posting something with a few resource links about babywearing. I LOVE Attachment Parenting! 🙂

Here are some links and resources:

 

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Encouraging the Daddy Love: How to manage a strong parental preference for mom and help your child bond with daddy, too

Disclaimer: For the ease of writing this article, I’ll be writing it to moms who are well bonded with their children and who want strategies to help their child or children bond with dad more deeply. Please know that I fully acknowledge that your family could consist of two moms, two dads, or a dad who is more bonded than a mom. I love all configurations of family so please interpret my words as needed to apply to your family. And for all those single parents out there, I’ll write something special for you soon too!

Attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping are all wonderfully nurturing to the bond between mother and child, but sometimes dads feel left out of this bonding time. They can’t breastfeed for one thing, and some dads work outside the home and aren’t able to co-sleep for various reasons. I know many dads who feel sort of silly for even noticing that they feel jealous of the connection between mom and child. Most dads will tell you that they’re not sure whom they’re more jealous of, the child who now gets the attention they used to get from their wife or their wife who is more strongly bonded to the baby or young child.

Sure, everyone says that kids and dads have an easier time connecting when children are a little bit bigger and can rough house with daddy, but why wait? I’d like to offer you a few tips we’ve used at home to encourage the bond between father and daughter. I’ll tell you right up front, most of these tips are about taking a step back and allowing dad to engage more with your baby or child. So, here they are:

1)     Daddy day- whether your husband has a flexible schedule or not, one on one time with your child is the best way to encourage a strong bond. Even working dads can have a weekend date with their child. The key here is to make sure it’s time spent away from you, Mom. Family time is wonderful, but when the preferred parent is hovering nearby ready to swoop in at any moment, children are apt to rely on the stronger bond, rather than forging new ground in their connection with their dad. I would also recommend that dads take their child or children out on an adventure. Being in a new environment can create a shared memory that will be more salient for a child than just sitting around the house or watching a movie together.

2)    Bedtime routine switch-up- Allowing dad to take over the bedtime routine can be another great time for bonding. When children are about to go to bed they’re tired and vulnerable which can actually help bonding happen. If you have been doing bedtime all on your own and your child isn’t ready for an abrupt change to the bedtime routine, you can introduce dad into the routine slowly. First he reads one of the stories, then you leave the room for a moment and come right back. And after a few weeks Dad is either involved in the whole routine or doing the whole thing on his own. By the way, this can be a wonderful break for you if you’re a stay-at-home mom. So, if dad and child are willing, live it up!

3)    Remove yourself, Mom- There might be times throughout the day when opportunities arise for dad and baby to bond, but you tend to swoop in and take over simply because you’re used to doing things a certain way. Resist the urge, Mom! When we notice these moments of connection between our child and husband, it’s our job to nurture and protect those moments, not to interrupt them! Take a breath, and step into another room, allowing their connection to grow in your absence.

4)   Love up your hubby- Children imitate adult behavior, so if your child rarely sees you offering affection to your wonderful husband, he might not even realize that hugs and snuggles with dad can be so much fun. Modeling love and affection for your child helps them to realize that dad is an integral part of your family and great to snuggle with. So spread the love.

5)    Be busy- “Sorry honey, I can’t help you right now, can you ask daddy instead?” Without avoiding your child outright, there really are moments when you’re unavailable for your child and instead of waiting for your help, they can learn to seek support from dad. You can encourage this by reminding and inviting them to seek out dad often throughout the day. Or even asking them leading questions like, “Isn’t there a game that you and Daddy like to play that you could ask for while I’m making dinner? I heard he does a really good ‘this little piggy.’”

I hope these tips are helpful for you, but there’s one last thing. Don’t keep your efforts to help your husband bond with your child a secret from him. If he doesn’t know what you’re up to, he’s apt to feel confused, put upon, or boxed in to your plan. On the other hand, if you can have an open discussion about it, the two of you can create a plan together and your efforts are much more likely to pay off.

If you’re not sure how to start the conversation you might say something like, “I’ve noticed that Jack has been asking for ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy’ lately and I’m curious how you’re feeling about your bond with him. I just read a great article about how to encourage a stronger bond with Daddy. Would you like to take a look and try some of these things out?”

All right! So there you have it, tips to help attachment parenting moms encourage a strong bond with dad. Please let me know if this is an issue at your house and how you handle parental preference by leaving a comment below.

Thanks so much for being here and have a great week!

Warmly, Shelly

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