Tag: making choices as parents

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Let’s Stop Controlling and Start Listening to Children

The urge to control our kids can be almost uncontrollably strong at times, can’t it? “I just want her to do what I want right now!” But whenever we’re struggling with a child and we want them to submit to our authority, we’re silently taking away everything we’ve said (or were about to say) to our kids about standing up for themselves against peer pressure.  We’re sending the message that we’re the more powerful ones and their ideas, thoughts, and desires don’t even matter.

Well I’ve got news for you. What children want does matter. In fact, I would argue that what they want is just as important as what you want. Yes, you are the parent and you get to make the final decision about what’s happening next, what the rules are, and how you’ll handle it when rules are broken. But if you’re really honest with yourself, is your desire to get out the door really more important than his desire to play with his trains for five more minutes?

As adults, I think we have a tendency to take our power for granted and since we live in a culture that values a power over approach, it can be difficult to get out of that destructive cycle. But I think it’s time for each of us to try.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to raise a child who already feels powerful and capable and knows that his ideas and preferences matter to the people who love him? Sure there are times when he’ll be disappointed, that’s just a part of life. We never get exactly what we want 100% of the time. But instead of engaging in a power struggle, I’d rather work WITH kids to help find a solution that actually works well for all of us.

I’m not talking about giving all of the power to your child, never setting any rules or boundaries, and being at the mercy of a kid who has power over you. That isn’t a healthy scenario for anyone involved.

What I’m talking about is avoiding forcing, coercing, bribing, or threatening and instead reasoning, helping, cooperating, and respecting children as the whole human beings they already are.

I’m talking about coupling increased power and autonomy with real world responsibilities so that our kids can grow up prepared for life both practically speaking and also in terms of their ability to negotiate for what they want and make a place for themselves in the big wide world.

Let’s stop forcing them to do our will, take a step back and watch what they do when we give them the freedom they’re yearning for. Let’s follow their lead more often and encourage them to develop their interests and go for their goals with gusto.

Instead of teaching children to follow the rules, do what adults tell them to do, and submit to our dominance, let’s learn from their wisdom, let them make the rules, and help them use their power wisely.

My bet is that children have a lot more to teach us than we might realize.

OK, end rant! 🙂

I hope you’re having a great week and I always love to hear from you.

Warm hugs, Shelly

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Helping Kids Eat Healthy Foods

Here’s a question I hear a lot from parents of toddlers (and older children too): “How do I get them to eat nutritious foods?” Well, I’m going to give it to you straight, but you might not like what I have to say on the subject.

The current research is clear about two things:

1) Eating meals together as a family produces healthier eating

2) Your kids will eat what you eat

So, if you don’t want your children to drink sugary soda, guess what? You’re going to have to give it up.

Of course, we’ve found a temporary way around that one, we just tell our daughter that we’re having an “adult drink” and so far, she accepts that. But we know it won’t last forever, and truly, sugary drinks are quickly becoming the next national health crisis. We have got to get over our addiction to them.

When my daughter was just starting solid foods I kept a list of the foods I had introduced and made sure to offer new ones every week. I’m not quite sure why I stopped that, but if you find yourself in a rut, try making a list of all of the foods you know your child will eat, and then make another list of foods to introduce. Go through your list systematically and record their responses.

Don’t give up if your child says they don’t like Brussels sprouts (or any other vegetable). Instead, find new ways to prepare them and offer them multiple times throughout the week or month.

Children’s taste buds change a lot as they mature, so just because they didn’t like it in April, doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy it in October. Children also enjoy refusing foods as a way to have some control over their lives, and sometimes just to see if they can get an emotional reaction. My recommendation is to relax, let go of your attachment to them eating your world famous chicken soup, and keep offering them the healthy foods you love to eat. Eventually you’ll win them over.

Here are some “foods” to watch out for:

  • Hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated oils
  • Added sugars (including fructose, corn syrup, dextrose, sucrose and more)
  • White breads and crackers
  • Fried foods
  • Foods high in saturated fat
  • Sugary drinks (including juices)

And here are some foods to encourage:

  • Fruits (any and all whole fruits are healthy)
  • Vegetables (a wide variety of colors and textures)
  • Nuts and legumes
  • Lean meats and fish
  • Whole grains
  • Calcium rich foods

At our house, I’ve found that it’s much easier to encourage my daughter to eat fruits and veggies when that’s what we have around the house and on the table. She inevitably asks to eat whatever we’re eating, so when everything available is something I’d feel good about feeding her, I know we’re on the right track.

There are lots of strategies you can employ for how to encourage healthy eating. Sometimes I offer the green vegetables first when Julia is hungriest and then I add cheese and fruit toward the end of the meal. We also keep a large bowl of fruit on our kitchen counter and everything processed is hidden away in the pantry. That way, when we need a quick snack, fruit is the quickest, easiest, and most available choice. Plus it’s delicious and nutritious!

If your child is particularly stuck on “kid foods” like macaroni and cheese and pizza, try making your own whole-wheat and low fat versions of their favorite foods.

Another strategy is to engage children in the activities of cooking. When kids prepare their own food, they’re much more likely to want to eat it.

I enjoyed reading Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook “Deceptively Delicious” in which she shares recipes with hidden healthy ingredients, usually in the form of vegetable purees added to traditional meals.

And while I love it that she figured out a way to get her kids to eat their veggies, I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that they don’t know about it. Personally, I’d rather model healthy eating that’s above board.

I want my daughter to get into the habit of eating fruits and vegetables so that when she’s faced with other choices, as she gets older, she already knows that she loves squash, sweet potatoes, lentils, and black beans.

I know that modeling healthy eating works because just last week as I ate a spinach salad, my daughter asked, “Can I have some?” and then proceeded to scarf down about 10 pieces of raw baby spinach. I hadn’t really offered her raw spinach before, assuming that she’d prefer it cooked. But she loved it!

So my recommendation if you’re having trouble getting the kids to eat their veggies, is to continue to enjoy your own plate of delicious vegetables and keep offering them some time after time until one day they decide they really like them.

When you’re packing snacks for a day out, be sure to include some fresh fruit and vegetables along with the standby applesauce (with no added sugar) and cheesy crackers that you already know they love.

Two more things:

1) We have to let go of the idea the every meal has to be well balanced and eaten heartily. Kids have variable appetites, some days they’ll eat everything you put in front of them, and other days just a few bites of food is enough. So, start to think about your child’s nutrition on a weekly, rather than a daily basis.

2) Let go of the idea that by refusing the food you’ve prepared, your child is somehow trying to hurt your feelings. They’re not. They’re just being kids and we have to trust them to know what their bodies need (as long as we’re providing nutritious options). When we get attached to a specific outcome, children often rebel. No one wants to be forced to do anything, so the more you can model healthy eating and then let go and trust, the more likely it is that your child will choose to eat healthy foods.

Have a healthy week!

Warmly, Shelly

 

 

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The Santa Conversation

My daughter is two years old and I’ve been fretting about the Santa conversation. I’m clear that I don’t want to lie to her. I remember feeling betrayed and angry when I realized that Santa is mythical. And I’d like to save my daughter from that same break of trust.

On the other hand, I do believe in magic. I love fantasy play and we already talk a lot about dragons, read stories in which animals speak and play imaginary games.

Since she’s just two, we’re just beginning to have conversations about what’s “real” and what’s “imaginary.” Julia will often ask if something is “real or dead” as the distinctions between alive, dead, real, and imaginary are tricky ones. Just last week we had a philosophical discussion about how a doll can’t get hurt because she’s not a “real” baby. But my husband was quick to point out that she is a real doll! It’s all very complex.

We have a lot of extended family here in Bend, OR, so as the holidays approached, I made sure to talk with my husband, parents, and in-laws about my concerns about the Santa story so that we could all get on the same page and create the least confusion for Julia.

We had some interesting conversations to say the least. My wonderful father-in-law reminded me of the mother in the movie “Miracle on 34th Street” who refused to play along with the Santa story, always told her daughter the truth, and also robbed herself and her daughter the experience of believing in magic. Luckily, magic wins out in the end.

I know I’m not THAT mom. But I’m also not the mom who insists that Santa is going to come to our house jump through the chimney and leave extravagant gifts for us. We won’t be leaving milk and cookies out and we don’t even have a chimney. So how can I share the mythical story, the magic, and the wonder, without lying to my child?

I just read Dr. Laura Markham’s response to a similar inquiry and liked what she had to say on the topic. She shared the idea of answering a child’s questions with our own questions. “What do you think?” which I like to do in general. I really love hearing the interesting ideas and connections my daughter comes up with when I ask her open-ended questions like that.

But the part that really resonated with me was talking with children about the spirit of Santa. I have always loved the idea of sharing the story of Saint Nicholas and his generous spirit, and I do see modern day Santa as a reflection of those values.

So yes, we’ll talk about the story of Santa, the myth of Santa Claus, the real person Saint Nicholas who lived a long long time ago. Just like we’ll talk about the birth of Christ, the Maccabees and their oil, and lots of other historical, religious, and didactic stories during this holiday season.

We’ll sing about dreidels and jingle bells and snow. And whatever my daughter’s experience is, at least I’ll know that I’ve chosen what works for me, what feels right in my bones, and I can be certain that I can look her in the eye and say, I hear you, I love you, and I’ll always do my best to tell you the truth.

As for the things she hears from everybody else, ultimately I can’t control that, nor do I want to. A part of being human is realizing that sometimes people lie, sometimes their truths differ from yours, and sometimes believing in magic really is the best thing for all involved.

Have a great week!

Love and hugs, Shelly

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A Healthy Halloween? Why We Won’t Be Trick-Or-Treating This Year

Photo by James Cook

Have you heard about any of the new studies out lately showing the deleterious effects of sugar on our bodies? They are seriously chilling. Sugar has been linked to heart disease, obesity, diabetes, and even cancer. Whoa.

Here’s an article in the New York Times called “Is Sugar Toxic?”

And this article from Time magazine “Too Much Sugar Increases Heart Risks” is also informative.

Not to mention the problems with sugar and teeth, if nothing else we are sure that sugar causes cavities and according to LA Dental Town dental health has profound impacts on your health overall as well. So with all this new information about the negative effects of sugar on our bodies, I’ve been strategizing about how we can have a fun and healthy Halloween, WITHOUT binging on sugar.

When I was a kid I loved trick or treating, but there were all those scares about razors in baked goods and whatnot and the recommendation was not to eat anything that wasn’t in it’s sealed individual package. Then again, I have some vivid memories of bobbing for apples and having Halloween parades at school, so maybe this holiday doesn’t actually have to be centered around snack sized sugar bombs.

As I was pondering what to do about Halloween and how to keep our celebrations healthy, Julia asked to have a party. “That’s it!” I thought to myself. The perfect way to keep sugar out of our Halloween celebrations is to provide healthy alternatives and our very own Halloween party.

We can dress up in costumes, carve or paint pumpkins, roast pumpkin seeds, bob for apples, listen to creepy music, make our own masks, and serve savory delights with a Halloween theme. “Pumpkin Soup” by Helen Cooper has been a popular book at our house lately, so perhaps we’ll make some!

OK, the truth is, this party won’t be happening this year, but I’m excited about hosting it next year for all the families we love and who are also conscious of healthy living. For this year we can definitely avoid trick-or-treating, since Julia doesn’t know what it is yet.

But for those of you whose children already know about and are looking forward to trick-or-treating this year, you might want to try participating in a dentist office candy buyback. Here in Bend, OR there are some dentists that will pay kids $1 per pound of Halloween candy that they then send to troops overseas.

I’m not sure how I feel about passing the health detriments of candy on to our service men and women abroad, but I’m guessing they will at least enjoy the treats. And any amount of pleasure we can offer them is so little in exchange for the services they provide.

Alternatively, my friend has struck a deal with her son that he may choose 5 pieces of candy to keep and eat and if he hands over the rest, she will buy him a toy in exchange. Apparently her son didn’t go for it last year, but this year he’s ready to trade in his candy for Legos! Sounds like a win-win to me!

I’m curious, how do you handle Halloween at your house? Do your kids participate in trick-or-treating? Is it horribly mean of me to try to shelter my daughter from it for as long as possible? Am I making a big deal out of nothing, or do you agree that sugar consumption is something we should be taking a good hard look at in ourselves AND in our children?

I always love it when you share your thoughts, so please leave a comment.

And have a Happy Halloween!

Warm hugs, Shelly

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My Top 12 Resources for New Parents

I just found out that a good friend of mine is pregnant. Well, technically his wife is pregnant. But as soon as I found out I immediately wanted to create a list of resources for them so that they wouldn’t have to go through the heaps of conflicting and confusing information out there (unless they really want to).

I know my friend and I are aligned on many topics, but within about five minutes of talking with him it was clear that he was about to embark on a whole new world (parenting) that he has never really researched before.

So, here’s my list of the top twelve resources I recommend for new parents. I used these all myself and include an explanation about why I trust the resource or what I like about it.

Here goes:

1)     Baby Center’s Pregnancy Calendar: Although Baby Center is a pretty mainstream resource and includes some information that isn’t completely aligned with my attachment parenting and natural lifestyle I still really enjoyed the pregnancy calendar. I could go there and see how my baby was developing week by week and read about the miracle that was happening inside my body. Fun fun fun!!!

On a not so fun note, Baby Center also has a miscarriage support group. Miscarriage happens more often than is generally believed and women who experience it need to seek immediate support from friends, family, counselors, and support groups. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, please don’t go through it alone. Reaching out for support can be hard, but it’s crucial to the healing process.

2)    Movie: The Business of Being Born Although this film was somewhat disturbing to watch, I think it’s important to realize how and why birth in hospital has become the norm in America and to recognize that there are other choices out there. And if you do choose a hospital birth, I hope you’ll know your rights so that you aren’t forced into any procedures or medications you don’t actually want. This one is an eye opener for sure.

3)    Birthing class: Hypnobabies I loved my hypnobabies class SO MUCH and it really helped me with the pregnancy and first two stages of birth. The affirmations were incredibly uplifting and the daily practice of self-hypnosis is a wonderful way to unwind and relax. I still use some of the techniques I learned in this class! And even if Hypnobabies isn’t for you, definitely take a class about birth. You’ll be glad you did.

4)   Consider hiring a midwife and/or doula. If you’re planning a homebirth I highly recommend hiring both a midwife and a doula. And even if you plan to birth at the hospital, a doula is a must. A doula’s entire job is to be there for emotional support for the birthing mother. This has multiple benefits from decreasing pressure on dad to helping mama remember what procedures and medications she does and doesn’t want. I would not want to birth without this crucial support.

5)    La Leche League is a wonderful organization committed to helping women breastfeed successfully for as long as they wish. There are local groups all over the place and they’re mother led (no “expert” telling you what you’re doing wrong). I found the group meetings very encouraging and connecting and my local leader was available by phone to personally answer all my questions. Do beware, this organization is all about breastfeeding, so conversations about using formula might not go over so well.

6)    I also HIGHLY recommend Kelly Mom dot com for really great research based information about breastfeeding. I was on Kelly Mom all the time in the first few months of breastfeeding and continue to use it as my #1 resource for all things breastfeeding related.

7)    If you’re having a boy, you’ll have to decide whether or not to circumcise him. I sincerely hope you’ll chose to leave him intact. Here’s some information about why: http://www.intactamerica.org/learnmore and if you do leave him intact, you’ll need to know how to properly care for an intact penis so definitely check out this article about the importance of NOT retracting the foreskin.

8)    Even before your baby is born you’ll have to decide whether you want to follow the recommended schedule for vaccinations (since they’ll offer you the Hep B vaccine at birth). I found Dr. Sears’ book on the subject “The Vaccine Book” incredibly informative and well balanced.

9)    Dr. Harvey Karp has developed a theory about the missing 4th trimester that really makes sense to me. And his techniques for calming fussy babies really work. While I don’t recommend calming your baby using these techniques all the time (babies do need to express their feelings just like the rest of us), there are times when I think Karp’s 5 S’s were the difference between peace and rest and hours of purple crying for us. I read the book and watched the DVD but I think viewing the DVD once or twice will give you all you’ll need to use these techniques when you know your little one is needing help to relax and rest. Oh, and our local library had it, so see if you can check it out before you run out and buy it.

10) Although I know she’ll cringe when she sees that I’ve recommended her right after the above, Janet Lansbury is a fierce advocate for infants and toddlers. She shares practical information about how you can be there for your child without interrupting or overpowering their innate desire to learn and grow naturally. And after reading her articles you’ll be left with a greater respect and awe of infants than you ever thought you’d have. And you might also realize that parenting an infant doesn’t have to be as all consuming as popular culture would have you believe.

11)    Dr. Laura Markham is a wonderful resource for parents. She supports parents in using respectful and developmentally appropriate responses to the challenges of parenting young children. Every time I read her stuff I’m left thinking, “yes, yes, and yes.”

12)  And lastly, Hand in Hand Parenting is one of my greatest inspirations. When I first witnessed a friend holding space for her child to feel his big feelings I was left speechless. Recognizing that tantrums are a cry for connection has completely shifted how I respond to my own daughter when she freaks out. And I think this work has also deepened my own commitment to feeling and expressing my feelings, no matter how unpopular they might be.

OK, so there you have it. These are my top 12 resources for new parents. I just realized I didn’t include any books, so I’ll have to do another post on my recommended parenting books another time! I hope you’re all having a great week and I would love it if you’d add any important resources I’ve forgotten to the comments. Thanks!

Love, Shelly

 

 

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