Attachment parenting – Page 10

December 23, 2009March 3, 2012

The joys and challenges of spending the holidays with family

Happy holidays everybody! I hope you’re having a lovely time together as a family and I know that when we get extra time together with our immediate families and especially when we spend time with extended family, tensions can run high. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Almost inevitably when we celebrate with our families, there’s someone whose beliefs are different from our own, or there’s a sibling or parent who treats us in just the same way they treated us when we were five or who treats our children in ways we don’t enjoy. The holidays can be a time of joy and celebration, and a time that warrants a lot of introspection, conflict resolution skills, and mediation between family members.

Although we all might intend to have a nice Christmas dinner or a beautiful Solstice celebration or (insert your holiday here), there are times when feelings get hurt, alcohol helps remove inhibitions, and we can suddenly find ourselves or other family members in the midst of conflict. So what can we do when our lovely celebration is about to deteriorate into chaos? Continue reading “The joys and challenges of spending the holidays with family”

November 30, 2009March 3, 2012

Rewind! A simple trick that really works.

Sometimes the best and simplest solutions are the hardest to remember. I’m not sure why that is. Back in the days when Shelly and I lived in the same city and taught classes “real-time,” one of the things we brought up frequently was that in real life, you don’t really get “rewinds,” where you can go back and start over. So we’d replay challenging situations and get to try out new behaviors so we could become comfortable with them.

However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.

The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.

And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened. Why is that?

I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.

This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”

When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go. Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!

Warmly,

Jill

November 4, 2009March 5, 2012

The art of conscious ignoring

Photo by Juliet Cook

I’ve talked a lot here about giving kids attention but I haven’t yet shared about the art of conscious ignoring. Well, I really do think there’s a time and place for everything and ignoring your kids can sometimes be the best choice in a given moment.

For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead. By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.

Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention. So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.

Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out. What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to. My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better. Continue reading “The art of conscious ignoring”

September 30, 2009March 19, 2012

Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!

Photo by Suzette Hibble

The other day I was chatting with a friend and she was complaining that whenever she sees her niece all she remembers from the experience is lack of cooperation and a seeming mantra of “No! No! No!” Her sister follows her niece around asking questions like “how about this?” or “what about that?” And the constant refrain is, “no, no, no.”

Wow, can I relate. I do not enjoy hearing “no” so in my work with kids I’ve learned some great strategies to avoid and get around the “no.” And then at other times, I’ve chosen to accept the no by tuning in to the yes behind the no. If you think about it, there’s always something we’re saying yes to, and often it’s related to the thing we’re saying no to. For instance, when I say no to a candy bar, I’m saying yes to my health and well-being.

On the other side of the spectrum I just visited some friends who do their best to say yes as much as possible and refuse to even use the word “no” with their son. I think that’s a fantastic practice since “yes!” often produces much more connection and excitement than “no.” How can you translate your no’s into yeses this week?

When I remember that kids are constantly trying to figure out the rules of life, the boundaries of those around them, and their own sense of autonomy and power I can understand why they would start using a powerful “no” just about as soon as they turn 2 years old. By remembering what kids are up to developmentally, I’m able to connect with those underlying needs, and I immediately have more compassion for the little one crying “NO!” with all her might.

So let’s start with what to do when you have the most capacity for compassion and we’ll move toward situations that are more challenging. Continue reading “Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!”

September 23, 2009March 2, 2012

Conscious Despair

A lot of these tips sound great in theory, right? And anything is possible when we’ve got our wits about us. But what about those times when we’re really just about to fall into despair? (Or have already fallen?)

I confess: I’ve called Shelly and said, “Help! I feel like a hypocrite–here I am writing and teaching about parenting stuff and I’m about to lose it myself!”

Granted, I may feel more challenged with some of my child’s ways than other parents do with their children. But I think many of us at least once in a while find ourselves at–or over–the brink of despair when we most need energy to cope.

I’m learning that “losing it” can be an important part of the process. Certainly, if it’s happening, it’s part of the process no matter what. I’ve talked recently about How to be in charge and still stay connected, as well as Imagining ahead of time how things will go.

Now I want to say a few words about what to do with some of our own more unsettling emotions, like despair.

The other night I was doing my usual juggling act of trying to clean the kitchen, feed my son, and not forget to feed myself (he eats so few things our dinners are almost always separate). It had been a hard day, and I was trudging along, doing what needed to be done.

As occasionally happens, he complained loudly about the food. That did it. I just didn’t have anything else in me to respond. So, I did what I’ve watched others do, but never had the nerve to do myself: I went limp. I said, “I can’t deal with this.” And I went into my room, closed the door and lay down.

Wow–what a moment. For once, I didn’t “make it okay.” It made me realize how much energy I spend all the time trying to “make it okay,” and here I was feeling not at all okay. And my son knew it.

Continue reading “Conscious Despair”